It has been a long time since I posted. I'd hoped that I'd never need to again, but, alas, here I am.
Yesterday, we went bowling, the day before my husband's birthday. We had fun. It was good to get out of the house. I've been struggling with the menopause from hell, and I'm finally starting to get past that and I'm feeling a bit better after many years. So it was good to have some fun.
When we were finished bowling and went to the van, I noticed that my husband kept looking at the car that was parked directly in front of us--facing us. My vision is very poor, so I didn't know who or what he was looking at straight away. But shortly afterward, a thin, middle aged woman with long blonde hair down to her rear and black framed sunglasses, got out of the car and stood next to her car's front door. I have no idea why she was standing next to her car door. Maybe she knew he was looking at her and wanted to show off.
My husband kept looking, trying very hard not to show it. And he should have known better than that, because I always know when he does this.
I was disgusted, but I didn't say a thing about it.
I didn't want to ruin the day.
And today, I won't ruin the day by discussing it. In fact, he's downstairs, and I'm trying very hard to post this before he realizes I'm awake. But, apparently, he does still have a sexual addiction and is still checking other women out.
I'd hoped that he'd grown beyond that.
And I'm wondering why she was so interesting to him as he couldn't see her face due to her glasses nor was she wearing anything that struck me as particularly sexy. As for her long hair, I have long red hair down to my rear, which I've grown out for him (and I hate it, because it's so hard for me to take care of and so hot and miserable when I have hot flashes) so why her hair should be any more fascinating to him than my hair, I can't understand.
Needless to say, I'm hurt over this and feeling that old familar pain awakening.
I also realize that if confronted, he would have just denied it all. I hate this about him too.
He just doesn't seem to get it. Every time he does this, I hate him a little more.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Friday, May 30, 2008
A Gut Feeling
I've been having a difficult time these past few days, plagued by the thought that my husband had an affair or is still not telling me everything he did. I've never gotten over that strong gut feeling during the past year, and I'm a very intuitive person. For example, we'd planned on trimming our dog's nail's one evening and all day long, I had a horrible sick feeling that my husband would trim one of her nail's too deep and cut into the quick. I told him that and urged him to be extra careful to make sure that didn't happen. And it did happen, and he cut her badly. I still feel so bad about that and wish I would have cancelled our plans. From here on, I'm going to trim her nails.
Anyway, usually every day, some gut feeling like this comes to me, which is always correct, and every so often it tells me that he did something that he's still not telling me and never plans to tell me. Did he have an affair or affairs? Did he visit a prostitute? I don't know. I only know that he did something, besides the porn, and sometimes I feel like it's driving me mad. I feel that I absolutely must know and will never fully get over what he did until he confesses all. I need to know the whole horrible story in order to heal; otherwise this festering ugly thing will remain within me and make me love and respect him a little less each day.
So I've been sifting through the past again, looking for clues of my husband's infidelity for the first time in many months, and my mind landed on some trips he took when he worked for a dialysis clinic. He had to take two such trips to Nashville for some mandatory training--the last, I believe was in 2006--it might have been early 2007 before I discovered his porn use. I need to see if I can find records, because that date may jar my memory and make me remember some important details.
Yes, they were valid work trips as the company paid for his airfare and hotel room, but these trips have always stuck in my crawl for reasons I don't understand.
While he was there, the classes kept him busy through the early evening--I saw his itinerary. But that doesn't mean that he didn't do something else while he was there or meet up with someone while he was there. I know on one of the trips, he had dinner at a restaurant with some coworkers. That would be a no no based on what I know about infidelity now. Heck, he might have even had a fling with one of the other employees while he was there--after all, most of them are female.
And the really sad thing is that I read some stats the other day that said that 60-65% of all married males will cheat on their spouses if the opportunity presents. Alarming!
Going back to trip one. I remember something important. He got into a spat with a fellow male nurse. The company assigns two people to a hotel room, and apparently my husband's snoring angered the man so much that he smacked my husband in the face during the night. At the time, it was somewhat humorous. Now, it seems questionable. Perhaps my husband did something else to tick the man off that my husband never told me or perhaps the whole story is a lie.
Strangely enough, according to my husband, this man was not fired for this. You'd think he would have been fired for assaulting a coworker, no matter how minor the offense.
And the reason why I question it now, is because on my husband's second trip, he insisted that he'd not share a room with a coworker on these business trips ever again, and if he had to, he'd pay for the room himself. Looking back, that seems suspicious. It didn't then, because I trusted him. Was he wanting privacy so that he could take a hooker to his room? Lord knows, Nashville is full of them. I read an article recently about a hotel that was so hooker infested that it was closed down by the authorities.
Another thing that seems suspicious about these trips is that my husband, though emotionally distant from me at the time due to his porn use, made a point of calling me before bedtime. And, he brought me home some small gifts, including a t-shirt. Did he do these things to alleviate himself of guilt?
Also, we went to Cracker Barrel recently (the restaurant is based out of Tennessee), and when I brought up restaurants there recently, my husband got a strange look on his face and was suddenly quiet.
And then there's the lie he told me about the computer game prostitutes. We have a game where the player can pick up prostitutes on the street. Out of curiosity, I checked his game stats to see if he'd done this in the game. It said he had once. Well, a few nights later, I was sitting next to him on the couch while he played, and he said: "Let's pick one up to see what happens." Knowing full well he had, I said, "You've never picked one up in the game before?" He said, "No." Needless to say, that started a world war. Not only did he lie to me, he was also about to put on an act to pretend it was the first time he'd picked one up in the game.
If he'd lie to me about picking up a prostitute in a game, he'd certainly lie about picking one up in real life.
Okay, maybe these seem like innocent, minor things--they certainly are not proof by any means--but I still have a strong feeling that something happened on at least one of these trips to Tennessee. And I'm writing this entry to help me deal with those feelings and to try and make sense of it all.
The only thing I keep landing on is that my husband is a liar, and would lie to me if it suited him--and I fully believe he'd cheat if he felt he could get by with it.
Anyway, usually every day, some gut feeling like this comes to me, which is always correct, and every so often it tells me that he did something that he's still not telling me and never plans to tell me. Did he have an affair or affairs? Did he visit a prostitute? I don't know. I only know that he did something, besides the porn, and sometimes I feel like it's driving me mad. I feel that I absolutely must know and will never fully get over what he did until he confesses all. I need to know the whole horrible story in order to heal; otherwise this festering ugly thing will remain within me and make me love and respect him a little less each day.
So I've been sifting through the past again, looking for clues of my husband's infidelity for the first time in many months, and my mind landed on some trips he took when he worked for a dialysis clinic. He had to take two such trips to Nashville for some mandatory training--the last, I believe was in 2006--it might have been early 2007 before I discovered his porn use. I need to see if I can find records, because that date may jar my memory and make me remember some important details.
Yes, they were valid work trips as the company paid for his airfare and hotel room, but these trips have always stuck in my crawl for reasons I don't understand.
While he was there, the classes kept him busy through the early evening--I saw his itinerary. But that doesn't mean that he didn't do something else while he was there or meet up with someone while he was there. I know on one of the trips, he had dinner at a restaurant with some coworkers. That would be a no no based on what I know about infidelity now. Heck, he might have even had a fling with one of the other employees while he was there--after all, most of them are female.
And the really sad thing is that I read some stats the other day that said that 60-65% of all married males will cheat on their spouses if the opportunity presents. Alarming!
Going back to trip one. I remember something important. He got into a spat with a fellow male nurse. The company assigns two people to a hotel room, and apparently my husband's snoring angered the man so much that he smacked my husband in the face during the night. At the time, it was somewhat humorous. Now, it seems questionable. Perhaps my husband did something else to tick the man off that my husband never told me or perhaps the whole story is a lie.
Strangely enough, according to my husband, this man was not fired for this. You'd think he would have been fired for assaulting a coworker, no matter how minor the offense.
And the reason why I question it now, is because on my husband's second trip, he insisted that he'd not share a room with a coworker on these business trips ever again, and if he had to, he'd pay for the room himself. Looking back, that seems suspicious. It didn't then, because I trusted him. Was he wanting privacy so that he could take a hooker to his room? Lord knows, Nashville is full of them. I read an article recently about a hotel that was so hooker infested that it was closed down by the authorities.
Another thing that seems suspicious about these trips is that my husband, though emotionally distant from me at the time due to his porn use, made a point of calling me before bedtime. And, he brought me home some small gifts, including a t-shirt. Did he do these things to alleviate himself of guilt?
Also, we went to Cracker Barrel recently (the restaurant is based out of Tennessee), and when I brought up restaurants there recently, my husband got a strange look on his face and was suddenly quiet.
And then there's the lie he told me about the computer game prostitutes. We have a game where the player can pick up prostitutes on the street. Out of curiosity, I checked his game stats to see if he'd done this in the game. It said he had once. Well, a few nights later, I was sitting next to him on the couch while he played, and he said: "Let's pick one up to see what happens." Knowing full well he had, I said, "You've never picked one up in the game before?" He said, "No." Needless to say, that started a world war. Not only did he lie to me, he was also about to put on an act to pretend it was the first time he'd picked one up in the game.
If he'd lie to me about picking up a prostitute in a game, he'd certainly lie about picking one up in real life.
Okay, maybe these seem like innocent, minor things--they certainly are not proof by any means--but I still have a strong feeling that something happened on at least one of these trips to Tennessee. And I'm writing this entry to help me deal with those feelings and to try and make sense of it all.
The only thing I keep landing on is that my husband is a liar, and would lie to me if it suited him--and I fully believe he'd cheat if he felt he could get by with it.
Friday, May 23, 2008
Still Too Intimate
We passed the one year "D Day" mark on May 5th. I was terrified that I'd have a complete resurge of all of the pain and anger, as many of the books I've read on infidelity claim this typically happens on the anniversary of the discovery--like a rebound of a nasty virus that puts you under again. But the dreaded anniversary came and went without the slightest ripple or reverberation of what has passed, and I thought I'd escape the resurge entirely.
This week, however, the pain and anger deep inside me, rose to the fore. It almost feels like it did a year ago. And I'm finding it difficult to redirect my thoughts. The pain is there, though not as bad as then, and it's all running through my head again--the porn, the women he constantly gawked at, the emotional affairs he had, the secrets he still holds, the sexual affair or affairs he may have had.
Even worse, now, when I bring these issues up now, he acts angry and defensive as if he's tired of the whole thing and unsympathetic of my pain. This isn't good for our marriage, and I'm forming some major resentment at him about the way he reacts. And any suggestion of counseling, gets thrown to the wind. He doesn't want to go. Plain and simple. This leaves me to think that our marriage is not worth the effort to him.
And my resentment is growing so much that I've spent much of the night thinking about leaving him and wondering if I handled this right from the beginning. Maybe I should have left him when I discovered his ugly secrets to let him know how serious and intolerant of such behavior I am.
I'm not sure what set this major resurge off in me. I don't think it was merely the anniversary date, though that might have had something to do with it.
In part, it started when he came home one morning and told me that he'd overheard at work that a coworker's husband was cheating on her. He said she was in pain and asked me if I know of some good online sources he could suggest.
Quite frankly, I went semi-ballistic, because a relationship discussion (and any type of intimate discussion) is off limits for him with the opposite sex at work and oversteps one of my boundaries about what's allowable in our relationship (keep in mind that my husband has had several emotional affairs with coworkers over the years that resulted in his withdrawing from me). In addition, I've read in many sourcebooks on infidelity, that relationship discussions between a male and female at work often result in a close bond, and, subsequently, a sexual affair.
Immediately, I wondered why he cared so much about this coworker to want to get involved. I also doubted that he merely overheard it as it just doesn't make sense. If he'd just overheard it, then why was he searching for some advice to give her? It sounded more like they'd had a discussion about it.
Even if they hadn't and he had merely heard it through the grapevine, I still couldn't understand why he felt a need to approach this woman and intervene in her private life. That just seems way out of bounds to me.
He claims he just wanted to know what to say to her if the topic came up. I told him that if the topic comes up, to tell her to seek some professional counseling, that it's beyond his scope of knowledge and to change the subject.
I told him also that to express such interest would give this woman the message that he cares, and, perhaps, that he's interested in having a relationship with her, and that's not the type of message he should give other women. He denies it and says he's just trying to "be nice."
Is he just naive or is he still trying to get close to other women?
I'm finding it difficult to believe that it's just naivety as we've been through this many times during the past year--he's to limit discussions with female coworkers to work related stuff and casual conversation--nothing personal, nothing packed with emotion, nothing intimate--otherwise he could be inviting an affair.
But he just doesn't seem to get it, or doesn't want to comply with that boundary.
I feel for this woman, but I'm sure she has female friends at work. and probably has family and other sources she could talk to--instead of my husband. Why does he feel that he needs to get involved on such an intimate level with other females? It's maddening!
And I'm to the point where I feel that I just can't take it anymore.
I'm beyond angry about it. I've been angry about this since last year when I started seriously thinking that he was having an affair. When I've tried to discuss this issue with him, reminding him of the boundaries and all I've learned about discouraging affairs, which I've shared with him, he just acts like I'm being unreasonable and gets angry at me.
So we've had some ugly fights during the past few days, and I'm left feeling angry, resentful, empty, depressed, and I'm questioning his dedication, sincerity, and fidelity again.
I'm again at one of those places where I'm not enjoying life or the things I typically love to do--and I hate feeling like this.
Maybe I should get some counseling.
This week, however, the pain and anger deep inside me, rose to the fore. It almost feels like it did a year ago. And I'm finding it difficult to redirect my thoughts. The pain is there, though not as bad as then, and it's all running through my head again--the porn, the women he constantly gawked at, the emotional affairs he had, the secrets he still holds, the sexual affair or affairs he may have had.
Even worse, now, when I bring these issues up now, he acts angry and defensive as if he's tired of the whole thing and unsympathetic of my pain. This isn't good for our marriage, and I'm forming some major resentment at him about the way he reacts. And any suggestion of counseling, gets thrown to the wind. He doesn't want to go. Plain and simple. This leaves me to think that our marriage is not worth the effort to him.
And my resentment is growing so much that I've spent much of the night thinking about leaving him and wondering if I handled this right from the beginning. Maybe I should have left him when I discovered his ugly secrets to let him know how serious and intolerant of such behavior I am.
I'm not sure what set this major resurge off in me. I don't think it was merely the anniversary date, though that might have had something to do with it.
In part, it started when he came home one morning and told me that he'd overheard at work that a coworker's husband was cheating on her. He said she was in pain and asked me if I know of some good online sources he could suggest.
Quite frankly, I went semi-ballistic, because a relationship discussion (and any type of intimate discussion) is off limits for him with the opposite sex at work and oversteps one of my boundaries about what's allowable in our relationship (keep in mind that my husband has had several emotional affairs with coworkers over the years that resulted in his withdrawing from me). In addition, I've read in many sourcebooks on infidelity, that relationship discussions between a male and female at work often result in a close bond, and, subsequently, a sexual affair.
Immediately, I wondered why he cared so much about this coworker to want to get involved. I also doubted that he merely overheard it as it just doesn't make sense. If he'd just overheard it, then why was he searching for some advice to give her? It sounded more like they'd had a discussion about it.
Even if they hadn't and he had merely heard it through the grapevine, I still couldn't understand why he felt a need to approach this woman and intervene in her private life. That just seems way out of bounds to me.
He claims he just wanted to know what to say to her if the topic came up. I told him that if the topic comes up, to tell her to seek some professional counseling, that it's beyond his scope of knowledge and to change the subject.
I told him also that to express such interest would give this woman the message that he cares, and, perhaps, that he's interested in having a relationship with her, and that's not the type of message he should give other women. He denies it and says he's just trying to "be nice."
Is he just naive or is he still trying to get close to other women?
I'm finding it difficult to believe that it's just naivety as we've been through this many times during the past year--he's to limit discussions with female coworkers to work related stuff and casual conversation--nothing personal, nothing packed with emotion, nothing intimate--otherwise he could be inviting an affair.
But he just doesn't seem to get it, or doesn't want to comply with that boundary.
I feel for this woman, but I'm sure she has female friends at work. and probably has family and other sources she could talk to--instead of my husband. Why does he feel that he needs to get involved on such an intimate level with other females? It's maddening!
And I'm to the point where I feel that I just can't take it anymore.
I'm beyond angry about it. I've been angry about this since last year when I started seriously thinking that he was having an affair. When I've tried to discuss this issue with him, reminding him of the boundaries and all I've learned about discouraging affairs, which I've shared with him, he just acts like I'm being unreasonable and gets angry at me.
So we've had some ugly fights during the past few days, and I'm left feeling angry, resentful, empty, depressed, and I'm questioning his dedication, sincerity, and fidelity again.
I'm again at one of those places where I'm not enjoying life or the things I typically love to do--and I hate feeling like this.
Maybe I should get some counseling.
Friday, October 19, 2007
Doing Better
It has been a while since I've written, so I thought I'd post an update.
My husband and I have been doing great. The overwhelming grief I was feeling has finally decreased, and I'm getting on with life and enjoying the things I used to love again. Sometimes I get surges of anger and pain that surface, resulting in minor arguments, but nothing like what was going on in the early summer.
I still stand by my belief that my husband was never addicted to porn. We're almost at the six month mark now, and he has not looked at porn in all of that time and he told me yesterday that he still has no desire to do so. I also notice that my husband's sex drive has slacked off considerably. He no longer wants sex 5-8 times a day. I believe this is because he's no longer looking at the porn. He may have a minor or latent "sexual addiction," that was brought out with the porn use and underlying feelings of insecurity, but I feel that is under control now too. And it's under control, because we've improved our relationship.
I still have not found any concrete evidence that he has had an affair, and he still denies that he has. I remain skeptical, of course. I'd be a fool to believe otherwise.
Are we totally out of the water? Of course not. Things are still shakey and uncertain, but the important thing is that everything is much better.
There is one thing that is bothering me. My husband and I have spent all of our free time with each other since I discovered his porn use in May, and it's beginning to feel like it's a bit too much for me. I'm feeling a bit chained down, bored, and resentful about it. Sometimes when he's off on a 3 or 4 day stretch, by the second or third day, I wish I could be working on my novel or my artwork in the evening. Instead, he wants to lie in bed and snuggle or watch yet another movie.
I'm an artist and writer. I work from my home, and I need my space in which to create, and I know he needs his space too . I think it's unhealthy for us to spend all of our time together. I've told him that we need time apart too--other than when he's at work. I reminded him of the things he loves to do apart from me--his war games, his ship and airplane models, his war movies, and console games. But he still insists that we spend all of our time together when he's home, claiming he "would rather be with me."
Initially, when our marriage crisis was in full swing, we needed to spend all of our time together to work out our problems and heal our relationship. We realized that we hadn't been spending enough time with each other before, which contributed to his problem with porn. I have a tendency to be a workaholic and that made him feel rejected. But things have changed and improved and though it's important that we continue to spend a lot of quality time together, I now feel that I also need some space and time to myself when he's off of work.
Since he and I have greatly differing opinions about this, I'm not sure how to approach this at this time. I've been dealing with it, by getting up earlier, while he's asleep, or staying up late to work on some artwork, etc.
Yesterday, he moved his desk and computer into my office (it's no longer online) so that he can play computer games while I work on my artwork. Though I rue the loss of personal space, perhaps this will make me more content.
My husband and I have been doing great. The overwhelming grief I was feeling has finally decreased, and I'm getting on with life and enjoying the things I used to love again. Sometimes I get surges of anger and pain that surface, resulting in minor arguments, but nothing like what was going on in the early summer.
I still stand by my belief that my husband was never addicted to porn. We're almost at the six month mark now, and he has not looked at porn in all of that time and he told me yesterday that he still has no desire to do so. I also notice that my husband's sex drive has slacked off considerably. He no longer wants sex 5-8 times a day. I believe this is because he's no longer looking at the porn. He may have a minor or latent "sexual addiction," that was brought out with the porn use and underlying feelings of insecurity, but I feel that is under control now too. And it's under control, because we've improved our relationship.
I still have not found any concrete evidence that he has had an affair, and he still denies that he has. I remain skeptical, of course. I'd be a fool to believe otherwise.
Are we totally out of the water? Of course not. Things are still shakey and uncertain, but the important thing is that everything is much better.
There is one thing that is bothering me. My husband and I have spent all of our free time with each other since I discovered his porn use in May, and it's beginning to feel like it's a bit too much for me. I'm feeling a bit chained down, bored, and resentful about it. Sometimes when he's off on a 3 or 4 day stretch, by the second or third day, I wish I could be working on my novel or my artwork in the evening. Instead, he wants to lie in bed and snuggle or watch yet another movie.
I'm an artist and writer. I work from my home, and I need my space in which to create, and I know he needs his space too . I think it's unhealthy for us to spend all of our time together. I've told him that we need time apart too--other than when he's at work. I reminded him of the things he loves to do apart from me--his war games, his ship and airplane models, his war movies, and console games. But he still insists that we spend all of our time together when he's home, claiming he "would rather be with me."
Initially, when our marriage crisis was in full swing, we needed to spend all of our time together to work out our problems and heal our relationship. We realized that we hadn't been spending enough time with each other before, which contributed to his problem with porn. I have a tendency to be a workaholic and that made him feel rejected. But things have changed and improved and though it's important that we continue to spend a lot of quality time together, I now feel that I also need some space and time to myself when he's off of work.
Since he and I have greatly differing opinions about this, I'm not sure how to approach this at this time. I've been dealing with it, by getting up earlier, while he's asleep, or staying up late to work on some artwork, etc.
Yesterday, he moved his desk and computer into my office (it's no longer online) so that he can play computer games while I work on my artwork. Though I rue the loss of personal space, perhaps this will make me more content.
Saturday, September 22, 2007
A Sexless Marriage Quiz
Are you in a sexless marriage?
Sexual intimacy is vital for keeping the love alive between you and your partner. It keeps a strong emotional connection between you two. Without it, the bond will break and you will both fall out of love.
Here's a quiz I wanted to share that can help you assess the health of your love life.
Do you have a sexless relationship?
Sexual intimacy is vital for keeping the love alive between you and your partner. It keeps a strong emotional connection between you two. Without it, the bond will break and you will both fall out of love.
Here's a quiz I wanted to share that can help you assess the health of your love life.
Do you have a sexless relationship?
Sunday, September 9, 2007
Legalized Child Porn
Is there such a thing as legalized child porn? Unfortunately, yes--in a way that is. I just read an article about what are called, "child modeling sites," in which photos of young children are put online and accessed by paying members. The children are dressed up, often provocatively, and are seen doing various things that, to some, could be perceived as sexual.
One of the main portals for these sites, featuring "models" as young as 9, is owned by Webe Web Corporation, an Internet hosting company in Florida which also owns several hardcore porn sites.
I think this is just another way for porn sites to get around the laws and rake in some bucks for selling sin, and this is the very worst sin of all as it involves innocent children.
And what about the parents that are allowing their children to do this? What kind of people are they? It makes you wonder, doesn't it?
It brings JonBenet Ramsey to mind. I've always thought the little girl pageants were nuts. Don't these parents realize that such undertakings attract pedophiles? I guess not! Or maybe they don't care.
Anyhow, you can read more on the subject of Child Modeling Sites, here.
Girl Model Sites Crossing Line?
One of the main portals for these sites, featuring "models" as young as 9, is owned by Webe Web Corporation, an Internet hosting company in Florida which also owns several hardcore porn sites.
I think this is just another way for porn sites to get around the laws and rake in some bucks for selling sin, and this is the very worst sin of all as it involves innocent children.
And what about the parents that are allowing their children to do this? What kind of people are they? It makes you wonder, doesn't it?
It brings JonBenet Ramsey to mind. I've always thought the little girl pageants were nuts. Don't these parents realize that such undertakings attract pedophiles? I guess not! Or maybe they don't care.
Anyhow, you can read more on the subject of Child Modeling Sites, here.
Girl Model Sites Crossing Line?
Saturday, September 1, 2007
The Bitch In the House
Years ago I purchased a book called, The Bitch In the House, a compilation of true life stories written by women about sex, relationships, motherhood, etc; it was edited by Cathi Hanauer. Last night, I came across the book as I was tidying my in-home office, and I started thumbing through it and read a story that was so shocking that it has been on my mind since.
The piece is called: "My Marriage: My Affairs," and it was written by Hannah Pine.
Hannah begins by describing how it's getting light outside and her husband is still with someone he has been having an affair with for four years and how she is lonely and waiting for him on the couch, wearing his dirty socks that she extracted from the laundry hamper, because they are a "comfort" to her.
Then she explains how annoyed she is and how she wonders if he likes the other woman better than her, but, and here's where it gets totally crazy--you find out that he has had many affairs and that they are "sanctioned," that she knows about them and doesn't stand in the way.
It wasn't always that way. She used to be terrified that he'd have an affair. And about a year into their marriage, he'd been cheating on her with a coworker. She suddenly had this realization when her husband was taking a shower and she was getting ready for a night on the town. They were going out with the other woman. She describes being in a "daze" and "incapable of saying she knew," that night but soon, there was much "yelling, and tears." Hannah even moved out for a while.
Soon enough, however, she moved back home, because she realized that she loved and missed her husband, and two weeks later, she claims she urged him to go see the other woman, that she no longer felt much pain about it.
After that, she pretty much sanctioned her husband having affairs and he has had many, including one night stands with numerous women and has even made out with many of her friends. She talks about how she eventually started having affairs herself, but she doesn't convince the reader that she found them fulfilling. In fact, it seems like she had to coax herself into the first one.
This whole case is just so very sad, because this woman doesn't realize just how badly her husband's affairs are hurting her--or that he's an obvious sexual addict--or how badly she feels about herself. I was skeptical of codependency (and I still am to some degree) but she's a textbook case. She describes that she feels happiness in her sadness. And that the happiness in this comes from giving her husband "a gift."
A gift?
Wow, this woman really needs to wake up, give that husband a boot out the door, and get some much needed help.
Today, I remain shocked and numb by this woman's deep denial of her apparent pain. It really bothers me that a woman can have such disrespect for herself.
Anyway, if you get your hands on this book, I suggest reading it. There are many other interesting stories in the book too. There's also a version written by men called: "The Bastard on the Couch," which I may pick up after I'm done with this one.
The piece is called: "My Marriage: My Affairs," and it was written by Hannah Pine.
Hannah begins by describing how it's getting light outside and her husband is still with someone he has been having an affair with for four years and how she is lonely and waiting for him on the couch, wearing his dirty socks that she extracted from the laundry hamper, because they are a "comfort" to her.
Then she explains how annoyed she is and how she wonders if he likes the other woman better than her, but, and here's where it gets totally crazy--you find out that he has had many affairs and that they are "sanctioned," that she knows about them and doesn't stand in the way.
It wasn't always that way. She used to be terrified that he'd have an affair. And about a year into their marriage, he'd been cheating on her with a coworker. She suddenly had this realization when her husband was taking a shower and she was getting ready for a night on the town. They were going out with the other woman. She describes being in a "daze" and "incapable of saying she knew," that night but soon, there was much "yelling, and tears." Hannah even moved out for a while.
Soon enough, however, she moved back home, because she realized that she loved and missed her husband, and two weeks later, she claims she urged him to go see the other woman, that she no longer felt much pain about it.
After that, she pretty much sanctioned her husband having affairs and he has had many, including one night stands with numerous women and has even made out with many of her friends. She talks about how she eventually started having affairs herself, but she doesn't convince the reader that she found them fulfilling. In fact, it seems like she had to coax herself into the first one.
This whole case is just so very sad, because this woman doesn't realize just how badly her husband's affairs are hurting her--or that he's an obvious sexual addict--or how badly she feels about herself. I was skeptical of codependency (and I still am to some degree) but she's a textbook case. She describes that she feels happiness in her sadness. And that the happiness in this comes from giving her husband "a gift."
A gift?
Wow, this woman really needs to wake up, give that husband a boot out the door, and get some much needed help.
Today, I remain shocked and numb by this woman's deep denial of her apparent pain. It really bothers me that a woman can have such disrespect for herself.
Anyway, if you get your hands on this book, I suggest reading it. There are many other interesting stories in the book too. There's also a version written by men called: "The Bastard on the Couch," which I may pick up after I'm done with this one.
Monday, August 27, 2007
Hurt Physically
My husband hurt me last night--not emotional hurt alone. He hurt me physically while we were having sex. He couldn't see my pain, was only concerned about his own immediate gratification.
I only slept a few hours last night. I woke up after only about 4 hours of sleep upset about it.
He woke up too, because he never sleeps when I don't sleep, but I wouldn't tell him what I was upset about.
This is the first time that this has ever happened, and I'm still in shock.
I'm sitting here tonight and wondering how to address the issue with him. I'm almost embarassed to talk to him about it, which isn't like me at all.
I'm going to have to talk to him about it.
He also said something during sex that upset me. He has been having sporadic impotence problems for several years, which he chucks up to a physical problem caused from aging. Well, last night, in the heat of moment, I asked him if he was having any difficulty remaining erect. He said, "How could I possibly have any problem staying erect seeing you like that."
I think he must have let that statement slip, because that definitely refutes a physical problem.
I think I'll wait until he's off on Wednesday. Since he works 12-hour shifts, there's not much time for heavy discussions when he comes home or before he goes to work. Most often nowadays, it seems like our sleep is cut short from our discussions as is. That's not good for either of us.
We're both under a tremendous amount of stress right now. Our lives seem unbelievable. Everything seems confusing.
And I just wanted to write about it here to get it out of my system.
How do I feel right now?
Somewhat violated and humiliated.
I was frequently sexually abused as a child by my two older male cousins, and I dealt with those feelings long ago, grieved over it, and got on with my life, but I kind of feel those same feelings after this encounter. And suddenly, in my mind, my husband seems so much like my pushy, over-zealous cousin who couldn't seem to get enough of anything sex related.
If this is what my husband truly is inside, then I don't want to be with him.
I only slept a few hours last night. I woke up after only about 4 hours of sleep upset about it.
He woke up too, because he never sleeps when I don't sleep, but I wouldn't tell him what I was upset about.
This is the first time that this has ever happened, and I'm still in shock.
I'm sitting here tonight and wondering how to address the issue with him. I'm almost embarassed to talk to him about it, which isn't like me at all.
I'm going to have to talk to him about it.
He also said something during sex that upset me. He has been having sporadic impotence problems for several years, which he chucks up to a physical problem caused from aging. Well, last night, in the heat of moment, I asked him if he was having any difficulty remaining erect. He said, "How could I possibly have any problem staying erect seeing you like that."
I think he must have let that statement slip, because that definitely refutes a physical problem.
I think I'll wait until he's off on Wednesday. Since he works 12-hour shifts, there's not much time for heavy discussions when he comes home or before he goes to work. Most often nowadays, it seems like our sleep is cut short from our discussions as is. That's not good for either of us.
We're both under a tremendous amount of stress right now. Our lives seem unbelievable. Everything seems confusing.
And I just wanted to write about it here to get it out of my system.
How do I feel right now?
Somewhat violated and humiliated.
I was frequently sexually abused as a child by my two older male cousins, and I dealt with those feelings long ago, grieved over it, and got on with my life, but I kind of feel those same feelings after this encounter. And suddenly, in my mind, my husband seems so much like my pushy, over-zealous cousin who couldn't seem to get enough of anything sex related.
If this is what my husband truly is inside, then I don't want to be with him.
Sunday, August 26, 2007
Emotional Infidelity
My husband and I had a big fight on Friday. In order to describe it, I have to backtrack a bit. In addition to the porn, my husband has formed close relationships with women at work during the past few years. I don't believe these relationships were sexual, but were definitely what is called an "emotional affair." And, besides his porn use, these relationships served to draw him further away from me, because he invested his emotional energy in these woman instead of with me, damaging our marriage. Emotional affairs often lead to sexual affairs, which is why couples need to work to prevent them from happening.
I got a great book on the subject by M. Gary Neuman called, Emotional Infidelity--How to Affair Proof Your Marriage, which I highly recommend for every couple. I purchased the book, because I didn't want an emotional affair to come between us again, and I thought it might be helpful as there are also tips about having a great relationship. There are also several articles online about emotional infidelity, which say much the same thing as Neuman.
One of the things that Neuman suggests in the book, which I feel is very important in preventing an affair, is avoiding personal conversations with members of the opposite sex, especially at work, which is one of the main places where people have affairs, especially now that there are more women in the workplace.
Not only does discussing personal things take energy away from the marriage, but when a person starts discusing their personal lives, thoughts, feelings, wishes, etc. with members of the opposite sex, they're forming a bond with the other person and possibly making that person think they're interested in them. It is the beginning of a relationship that can lead to something more.
I've mentioned the rule of keeping work conversations casual or focused on business or work related things twice to my husband this summer. He's fully aware of how drastically these emotional affairs have impacted our relationship and he seemed agreeable to that boundary.
Yet, he has continued to have personal conversations with coworkers, much to my irritation. I know this because he comes home and tells me about it. Yes, it's good that he tells me about it, but he shouldn't be doing it to begin with.
For instance, he went to his old place of work and told the women on the staff that I didn't want him working in the ER, because I didn't "want him to see nude women." That's way out of line, because it's a very personal issue and disrepectful to me that he's sharing such information with coworkers. And then, he seemed fascinated with a doctor who works in the ER, always talking about her, and even shared some jokes with her that I'd given him. And it was hurtful to me that he was sharing this intimacy with her.
Friday morning, he came home and told me how the night before, he'd talked about his vacation to Canada a few years ago (an especially sensitive subject to me, because I couldn't go with him on that trip and now that I know about his sexual addiction, I have to wonder what he did without me) and how our son kept accidentally setting off alarms at museums during the trip. I was instantly upset, because vacations are a personal, off limit thing to discuss at work--except casually.
And that's how the fight began. It got ugly--as usual. And suddenly, he wasn't so agreeable to the rule, saying that in his field of work (nursing) it's impossible not to have personal conversations with coworkers and that he can't help it that most other nurses are female. Yes, he can't help it that nursing is a female dominated field, but I disagree that personal conversations are necessary in nursing. This rule can apply to any situation, any field.
His reluctance to abide by this boundary makes me feel like he still wants to form bonds with other women for whatever reason. I've also felt that his need to bond with women, and the emotional affairs he had are somehow related to his porn use, though I'm not sure I understand why.
Anyhow, in the course of the argument, he said he'd quit his job then, which angered me all the more, because not only did that strike me as childish, but it felt like he was punishing me and not taking me seriously. I asked him how the bills are going to get paid then.
He didn't have much to say about that.
He then said that he'd not talk to anyone about anything at work, which also seemed like a guilt- inducing, childish threat or punishment, accelerating my ire even more.
In all, he acted like I was the one who was being totally unreasonable. I felt like he couldn't hear me or understand the importance in what I was saying about avoiding emotional affairs.
And today, I remain resentful about his attitude. I don't understand why he's so resistant to do this simple thing or why it's so important for him to bond with other women. I can't seem to get through to him that there's just no room for other relationships with other women (outside of family) in our marriage.
I feel like his attitude is serving to make me pull away even more from the marriage. It tells me that maybe he's not so determined to work on things and change. I can't take much more of this nonsense from him, and I don't think our marriage is going to withstand many more of these fights.
I got a great book on the subject by M. Gary Neuman called, Emotional Infidelity--How to Affair Proof Your Marriage, which I highly recommend for every couple. I purchased the book, because I didn't want an emotional affair to come between us again, and I thought it might be helpful as there are also tips about having a great relationship. There are also several articles online about emotional infidelity, which say much the same thing as Neuman.
One of the things that Neuman suggests in the book, which I feel is very important in preventing an affair, is avoiding personal conversations with members of the opposite sex, especially at work, which is one of the main places where people have affairs, especially now that there are more women in the workplace.
Not only does discussing personal things take energy away from the marriage, but when a person starts discusing their personal lives, thoughts, feelings, wishes, etc. with members of the opposite sex, they're forming a bond with the other person and possibly making that person think they're interested in them. It is the beginning of a relationship that can lead to something more.
I've mentioned the rule of keeping work conversations casual or focused on business or work related things twice to my husband this summer. He's fully aware of how drastically these emotional affairs have impacted our relationship and he seemed agreeable to that boundary.
Yet, he has continued to have personal conversations with coworkers, much to my irritation. I know this because he comes home and tells me about it. Yes, it's good that he tells me about it, but he shouldn't be doing it to begin with.
For instance, he went to his old place of work and told the women on the staff that I didn't want him working in the ER, because I didn't "want him to see nude women." That's way out of line, because it's a very personal issue and disrepectful to me that he's sharing such information with coworkers. And then, he seemed fascinated with a doctor who works in the ER, always talking about her, and even shared some jokes with her that I'd given him. And it was hurtful to me that he was sharing this intimacy with her.
Friday morning, he came home and told me how the night before, he'd talked about his vacation to Canada a few years ago (an especially sensitive subject to me, because I couldn't go with him on that trip and now that I know about his sexual addiction, I have to wonder what he did without me) and how our son kept accidentally setting off alarms at museums during the trip. I was instantly upset, because vacations are a personal, off limit thing to discuss at work--except casually.
And that's how the fight began. It got ugly--as usual. And suddenly, he wasn't so agreeable to the rule, saying that in his field of work (nursing) it's impossible not to have personal conversations with coworkers and that he can't help it that most other nurses are female. Yes, he can't help it that nursing is a female dominated field, but I disagree that personal conversations are necessary in nursing. This rule can apply to any situation, any field.
His reluctance to abide by this boundary makes me feel like he still wants to form bonds with other women for whatever reason. I've also felt that his need to bond with women, and the emotional affairs he had are somehow related to his porn use, though I'm not sure I understand why.
Anyhow, in the course of the argument, he said he'd quit his job then, which angered me all the more, because not only did that strike me as childish, but it felt like he was punishing me and not taking me seriously. I asked him how the bills are going to get paid then.
He didn't have much to say about that.
He then said that he'd not talk to anyone about anything at work, which also seemed like a guilt- inducing, childish threat or punishment, accelerating my ire even more.
In all, he acted like I was the one who was being totally unreasonable. I felt like he couldn't hear me or understand the importance in what I was saying about avoiding emotional affairs.
And today, I remain resentful about his attitude. I don't understand why he's so resistant to do this simple thing or why it's so important for him to bond with other women. I can't seem to get through to him that there's just no room for other relationships with other women (outside of family) in our marriage.
I feel like his attitude is serving to make me pull away even more from the marriage. It tells me that maybe he's not so determined to work on things and change. I can't take much more of this nonsense from him, and I don't think our marriage is going to withstand many more of these fights.
Thursday, August 23, 2007
Not an Addiction or a Disease
Everyone is entitled to his or her opinion, but after 4 months of researching "porn addictions," (including reading the work of Patrick Carnes), and being married to a man who secretly looked at porn for 14 years, I remain cynical that he has a disease or a true "addiction." I remain convinced that porn consumption is a bad habit brought about from some moral lapse that's continued over time, and is not a true addiction--and the main difference is choice. People who look at porn choose to look at porn, thinking they will not get caught, and when they do get caught, they cry that they have a disease or an addiction to excuse their inappropriate behavior.
Giving porn consumption such a label is the same as giving users an excuse to overindulge.
Though often equated, there is also a major physical difference between a drug addiction and a supposed "porn addiction."
I've read all about the supposed physical changes in the brain that porn use causes, but it doesn't compare in any way, shape, or form to "crack cocaine" or other drug addictions. A crack cocaine addiction causes permanent physical changes within the body. Porn use doesn't. If it did, after 14 years of use, my husband would have severe withdrawal symptoms, including tremors, seizures, and other violent physical symptoms.
He has not viewed porn for 4 months, and yet he has had no such symptoms.
Yes, having an orgasm causes a short term chemical change, but it certainly isn't addictive. The mere thought is illogical. If frequent orgasms caused a sexual addiction, people would get addicted by having sex with their spouse. What about those newlywed couples who have sex numerous times a day or week? Surely, they'd all become sex addicts if frequent orgasms alone cause a physical addiction or permanent change in the brain.
I still take issue with the twelve steps as well, and for many reasons, including their bad "success" rate. But the main reason I think the twelve steps don't work, is because, they make porn consumers or "sex addicts" feel that they're powerless. I've never heard such complete nonsense.
We're never powerless for our actions. Even when we're in the midst of a situation that we can't help--such as a hurricane coming in--we still have choices. We can run, we can take cover, we can seek shelter. We don't have to lay down and let the storm wipe us out.
So what about the workaholics or shopaholics? These are not diseases, either. They, like porn use are acts that can be dealt with by choosing not to partake.
Porn use is not an addiction. It is a choice. And rationalizing such actions by saying it's a disease or addiction that the user can't stop is dangerous ground. The user can stop if he or she wants to.
None of this is to say that porn consumption isn't dangerous. It is very destructive to one's life, relationships, and mental well-being. It causes negative mental changes in a person's outlook on the world and the way he or she relates to and perceives others. It can lead to moral decline and infidelity. For these reasons, it should be avoided at all costs.
Giving porn consumption such a label is the same as giving users an excuse to overindulge.
Though often equated, there is also a major physical difference between a drug addiction and a supposed "porn addiction."
I've read all about the supposed physical changes in the brain that porn use causes, but it doesn't compare in any way, shape, or form to "crack cocaine" or other drug addictions. A crack cocaine addiction causes permanent physical changes within the body. Porn use doesn't. If it did, after 14 years of use, my husband would have severe withdrawal symptoms, including tremors, seizures, and other violent physical symptoms.
He has not viewed porn for 4 months, and yet he has had no such symptoms.
Yes, having an orgasm causes a short term chemical change, but it certainly isn't addictive. The mere thought is illogical. If frequent orgasms caused a sexual addiction, people would get addicted by having sex with their spouse. What about those newlywed couples who have sex numerous times a day or week? Surely, they'd all become sex addicts if frequent orgasms alone cause a physical addiction or permanent change in the brain.
I still take issue with the twelve steps as well, and for many reasons, including their bad "success" rate. But the main reason I think the twelve steps don't work, is because, they make porn consumers or "sex addicts" feel that they're powerless. I've never heard such complete nonsense.
We're never powerless for our actions. Even when we're in the midst of a situation that we can't help--such as a hurricane coming in--we still have choices. We can run, we can take cover, we can seek shelter. We don't have to lay down and let the storm wipe us out.
So what about the workaholics or shopaholics? These are not diseases, either. They, like porn use are acts that can be dealt with by choosing not to partake.
Porn use is not an addiction. It is a choice. And rationalizing such actions by saying it's a disease or addiction that the user can't stop is dangerous ground. The user can stop if he or she wants to.
None of this is to say that porn consumption isn't dangerous. It is very destructive to one's life, relationships, and mental well-being. It causes negative mental changes in a person's outlook on the world and the way he or she relates to and perceives others. It can lead to moral decline and infidelity. For these reasons, it should be avoided at all costs.
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Congress and Pornography
A report from Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington (CREW) reveals that some of the Members of Congress who publicly rail against the evils of pornography are only too happy to accept political contributions from those who derive income from the sale of pornography. These Members allege support for legislation penalizing obscenity one moment and fill their campaign coffers with pornography profits the next. It is this rank hypocrisy that this report exposes. Very prominent among the rank hypocrites is Sen. Sam Brownback.
Sen. Sam Brownback (R-KS) accepted $17,000 in contributions from corporations and executives who profit from pornography. As chair of the Senate Commerce Committee’s Science, Technology and Space Subcommittee, Sen. Brownback held a hearing on pornography addiction in November, 2004. After hearing testimony from experts about how porn affects the brain, Sen. Brownback said, “[i]t is the crackcocaine of sexual addiction” and “its pervasiveness affects our families.” In early 2005, Sen. Brownback praised U.S. Attorney General Alberto Gonzales when he announced he would appeal the dismissal of federal criminal indictments against a California pornography producer, stating “[t]he Justice Department’s decision indicates a renewed effort to go against purveyors of pornography, whose products are so damaging to our culture, our families, and our nation.”
Sen. Sam Brownback (R-KS) accepted $17,000 in contributions from corporations and executives who profit from pornography. As chair of the Senate Commerce Committee’s Science, Technology and Space Subcommittee, Sen. Brownback held a hearing on pornography addiction in November, 2004. After hearing testimony from experts about how porn affects the brain, Sen. Brownback said, “[i]t is the crackcocaine of sexual addiction” and “its pervasiveness affects our families.” In early 2005, Sen. Brownback praised U.S. Attorney General Alberto Gonzales when he announced he would appeal the dismissal of federal criminal indictments against a California pornography producer, stating “[t]he Justice Department’s decision indicates a renewed effort to go against purveyors of pornography, whose products are so damaging to our culture, our families, and our nation.”
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
Sex Addiction Workbook
I ordered my husband a Sexual Addiction workbook from Amazon that I wanted to recommend.
It's called: The Sex Addiction Workbook, by Tamara Penix Sbraga, PH.d and William T. O'Donohue, Ph.d. You can search inside the book at Amazon.
It's 205 pages long and contains tests to asess the level of one's sexual control problem and has many exerises to modify sexual thoughts and behavior. In addition, it has relapse control prevention techniques.
We just got it in the mail today, and I read through the book tonight. I think the exercises will be helpful. They make the reader think about how out of control sexual behavior hurts one's self and others and delves into faulty thinking that leads to acting out, and presents some coping strategies.
My only complaints about the book are that it seems to be addressing more "advanced" sexual control problems such as going to prostitutes, having affairs, and exposing one's self in public--not much that specifically addresses porn or masturbation addiction. In addition, it seems to be written more for someone who's single and only barely touches on the pain such behavior causes one's spouse and how it hurts a long term relationship.
My biggest gripe is that one of the chapters recommends masturbation to fantasy as an aid to self control and even suggests masturbating in the bathroom at work. I can see how this can be a good thing (only on occasion) for someone who has out of control deviant sexual behavior: for instance; someone who is aroused and has a desire to expose himself after work, but it's not a good suggestion for a porn/masturbation addict. Obviously masturbating to fantasies and having an orgasm alone while excluding the realities of life is one of the biggest problems that people with porn/masturbation addictions have, and it seems ludicrous that the authors would suggest it for a sexual addict.
Don't the authors realize that masturbating to fantasy is a way for many sexual addicts to avoid real life intimacy? Also, one of the problems people with such addictions have is that they use fantasy/masturbation as a means of avoiding or substituting real life sex in a committed relationship.
I don't want my husband masturbating to fantasies. I want him to focus his sexual needs/desires on us and our relationship and become more intimate and giving of himself. He doesn't need to go outside of our relationship for fulfillment, because he has all he needs. This book doesn't address such issues.
I also want my husband to realize that he doesn't "have to" have sex just because I don't want to at the time and that he CAN go without it. This book doesn't address that issue either.
In addition, I don't want him gawking at and fantasizing about women we encounter when we go out--this has been another big source of hurt for me--this book seems to take the opinion that it's okay to fantasize about people one encounters on the street or works with as long as the addict doesn't act on those feelings. It's not okay. I don't want my husband bringing thousands of people to our bed--I don't want him staring as if in a daze, just because a woman with a short skirt passes by.
What I want him to do is put a cap on his over zealous sexual desire and realize that sex is not the most important thing in life--only one aspect of life. I don't think this book accomplishes getting that point through.
I also dislike how the book implies that a relapse is inevitable. I don't believe it is as we all have freewill and are capable of making the right choices. Self-control is an issue I think the book should have covered in greater depth.
At least this book doesn't blame the addict's childhood or parents on the out of control behavior--though it does mention parents briefly, and it doesn't recommend the 12 steps (hooray!).
Overall, despite the flaws, I think this book could help a sexual addict recover and is one of the best books I've read on the subject. I recommend it.
It's called: The Sex Addiction Workbook, by Tamara Penix Sbraga, PH.d and William T. O'Donohue, Ph.d. You can search inside the book at Amazon.
It's 205 pages long and contains tests to asess the level of one's sexual control problem and has many exerises to modify sexual thoughts and behavior. In addition, it has relapse control prevention techniques.
We just got it in the mail today, and I read through the book tonight. I think the exercises will be helpful. They make the reader think about how out of control sexual behavior hurts one's self and others and delves into faulty thinking that leads to acting out, and presents some coping strategies.
My only complaints about the book are that it seems to be addressing more "advanced" sexual control problems such as going to prostitutes, having affairs, and exposing one's self in public--not much that specifically addresses porn or masturbation addiction. In addition, it seems to be written more for someone who's single and only barely touches on the pain such behavior causes one's spouse and how it hurts a long term relationship.
My biggest gripe is that one of the chapters recommends masturbation to fantasy as an aid to self control and even suggests masturbating in the bathroom at work. I can see how this can be a good thing (only on occasion) for someone who has out of control deviant sexual behavior: for instance; someone who is aroused and has a desire to expose himself after work, but it's not a good suggestion for a porn/masturbation addict. Obviously masturbating to fantasies and having an orgasm alone while excluding the realities of life is one of the biggest problems that people with porn/masturbation addictions have, and it seems ludicrous that the authors would suggest it for a sexual addict.
Don't the authors realize that masturbating to fantasy is a way for many sexual addicts to avoid real life intimacy? Also, one of the problems people with such addictions have is that they use fantasy/masturbation as a means of avoiding or substituting real life sex in a committed relationship.
I don't want my husband masturbating to fantasies. I want him to focus his sexual needs/desires on us and our relationship and become more intimate and giving of himself. He doesn't need to go outside of our relationship for fulfillment, because he has all he needs. This book doesn't address such issues.
I also want my husband to realize that he doesn't "have to" have sex just because I don't want to at the time and that he CAN go without it. This book doesn't address that issue either.
In addition, I don't want him gawking at and fantasizing about women we encounter when we go out--this has been another big source of hurt for me--this book seems to take the opinion that it's okay to fantasize about people one encounters on the street or works with as long as the addict doesn't act on those feelings. It's not okay. I don't want my husband bringing thousands of people to our bed--I don't want him staring as if in a daze, just because a woman with a short skirt passes by.
What I want him to do is put a cap on his over zealous sexual desire and realize that sex is not the most important thing in life--only one aspect of life. I don't think this book accomplishes getting that point through.
I also dislike how the book implies that a relapse is inevitable. I don't believe it is as we all have freewill and are capable of making the right choices. Self-control is an issue I think the book should have covered in greater depth.
At least this book doesn't blame the addict's childhood or parents on the out of control behavior--though it does mention parents briefly, and it doesn't recommend the 12 steps (hooray!).
Overall, despite the flaws, I think this book could help a sexual addict recover and is one of the best books I've read on the subject. I recommend it.
Wednesday, August 8, 2007
Beware of Lingerie Catalogs
Ladies, beware of lingerie catalogs. Some of the images in them are just as revealing and sensual as anything in Playboy Magazine. Look at Frederick's online catalog if in doubt.
This is a very sensitive issue for me as my husband had stolen lingerie catalogs from our mail and stashed them away to masturbate to. In June, I found a 2005 Frederick's catalog, addressed to me, which he apparently stole from our mail and hid in his bedside drawer. The images in them were extremely erotic. This is one of the things that he didn't come clean about when confronted with his porn use. And I'd wager that there are other catalogs stashed in the house as well.
And it's on my mind today, because I'm suspicious that he's stealing my catalogs again.
Why?
I've ordered from both Frederick's and Victoria's Secret during the past three months. Today, I actually got to the mailbox before my husband--yes, he's always quick to get there and that's probably why--and I got my first Victoria's Secret catalog in the mail. Amazing that they waited three months to send me one. Don't you think?
I've never received a Frederick's catalog in the mail this summer. Very suspicious.
I wasn't suspicious about the Frederick's catalog in 2005 as I'd never ordered from them and hadn't requested their catalog. I had no idea they'd sent me one until I saw it in his drawer. They sent it to me unsolicited, obviously, some other company that I've ordered a lot from, probably Coldwater Creek or Jessica London, shared their mailing list. So beware of that as well if you order a lot from catalogs.
Anyway, I wrote to Victoria's secret today and asked them not to send me anymore catalogs. If you wish to do the same, write to them at service@VictoriasSecret.com.
I also wrote to Frederick's and requested the same. You can write to their customer service from their website.
And know that the threat to a sexual addict is greater than sensual lingerie companies alone, even respectable companies like Jessica London and JcPenney's often send out lingerie catalogs. I wonder if my husband has any of those stashed away.
I wouldn't be surprised if he does.
Isn't it a shame that we have to police our husband's like this? It makes me angry and disgusted. I suddenly feel like there's another child in the house.
This is a very sensitive issue for me as my husband had stolen lingerie catalogs from our mail and stashed them away to masturbate to. In June, I found a 2005 Frederick's catalog, addressed to me, which he apparently stole from our mail and hid in his bedside drawer. The images in them were extremely erotic. This is one of the things that he didn't come clean about when confronted with his porn use. And I'd wager that there are other catalogs stashed in the house as well.
And it's on my mind today, because I'm suspicious that he's stealing my catalogs again.
Why?
I've ordered from both Frederick's and Victoria's Secret during the past three months. Today, I actually got to the mailbox before my husband--yes, he's always quick to get there and that's probably why--and I got my first Victoria's Secret catalog in the mail. Amazing that they waited three months to send me one. Don't you think?
I've never received a Frederick's catalog in the mail this summer. Very suspicious.
I wasn't suspicious about the Frederick's catalog in 2005 as I'd never ordered from them and hadn't requested their catalog. I had no idea they'd sent me one until I saw it in his drawer. They sent it to me unsolicited, obviously, some other company that I've ordered a lot from, probably Coldwater Creek or Jessica London, shared their mailing list. So beware of that as well if you order a lot from catalogs.
Anyway, I wrote to Victoria's secret today and asked them not to send me anymore catalogs. If you wish to do the same, write to them at service@VictoriasSecret.com.
I also wrote to Frederick's and requested the same. You can write to their customer service from their website.
And know that the threat to a sexual addict is greater than sensual lingerie companies alone, even respectable companies like Jessica London and JcPenney's often send out lingerie catalogs. I wonder if my husband has any of those stashed away.
I wouldn't be surprised if he does.
Isn't it a shame that we have to police our husband's like this? It makes me angry and disgusted. I suddenly feel like there's another child in the house.
Friday, August 3, 2007
Better Today
I'm feeling so much better today. My husband came home this morning and I feared that there would be a big fight, but he was very caring and tender. He promised that he would never look at porn again, and he said he meant it. He told me again that he only wants me and reminded me just how much he always wants me. The last is true. He always wants me--it's always apparent. I guess I'm lucky that after 26 years, he still has great romantic desire for me--no less than when we were young. And I don't deny that he loves me and has great passion for me. But I want that romantic passion limited to me and not shared with porn fantasies.
I want him to see just how destructive, fake, and disgusting those porn images are.
Do I fully believe him about never looking at porn again? No. Of course not. I don't trust him enough to believe him.
And I'll never understand why someone would hurt their spouse, risk their marriage, job, and other important things in their life just to look at photos of nude women, especially knowing how much damage it has caused.
But I will strive to give him the benefit of a doubt and pray that he's telling me the truth and will never do it again. I will try to stop jumping to conclusions about his actions and motives and will continue to work on this marriage.
I want him to see just how destructive, fake, and disgusting those porn images are.
Do I fully believe him about never looking at porn again? No. Of course not. I don't trust him enough to believe him.
And I'll never understand why someone would hurt their spouse, risk their marriage, job, and other important things in their life just to look at photos of nude women, especially knowing how much damage it has caused.
But I will strive to give him the benefit of a doubt and pray that he's telling me the truth and will never do it again. I will try to stop jumping to conclusions about his actions and motives and will continue to work on this marriage.
Thursday, August 2, 2007
My Suicidal Thoughts
Tonight, I'm feeling suicidal.
And it all stems from one thing that my husband keeps bringing up. Often, he'll say: "I think it would be best if I leave, because I'm afraid I'll hurt you again."
When asked how he'll hurt me again, he's evasive. The obvious conclusion that I've drawn is that he's afraid he will turn to porn again--or something worse like having sex with someone else.
And yet, he has sworn time and time again that he will never look at porn again and never have an affair, that he only wants me and is committed to me.
These statements and the duplicity in them has given me a terrible underlying sense of insecurity and a feeling of rejection through this entire ordeal and has made mending our marriage impossible. One day he'll make a promise and the next day he'll refute it. It's like this about so many things. Is it any wonder that I feel confused and lost?
This issue about causing me more pain has been very heavy on my mind this past week. This morning when he got home from work, I really didn't want to see him. I'm truly starting to pull away from him after all of the crap he has put me through--not only from his many years of porn use and lies but from the way he has reacted since I discovered it. Yes, he has tried, but he has also made some huge blunders and said some very hurtful things as well. What's more, he has continued to lie to me on various things.
Tonight, before he went to work, I insisted that he tell me what he means when he says he's afraid that he will hurt me again.
Again, he was evasive. I asked him if he means that he's afraid he'll do porn again.
He said: "Yes."
I was shattered. My worst fears were coming to life.
After all of this pain, all of these tears, all of these arguments during the past three months, after knowing that his porn use has nearly destroyed our marriage, he would actually do it again.
We got into an argument about it. He said that he wouldn't do it now, but that "you never know what will happen in say fifteen or twenty years," that it's "just human nature" that he may return to it. I told him that was nonsense. He is in control of himself and he is capable of making the right choices.
I do not believe that he has a disease like diabetes that's uncontrollable. I do not believe that he has no choice about what he does or doesn't do. To me, it sounds like he's already yearning for porn and thinking about it a lot--though he denies it when I ask him. It makes me sick, angry, jealous, and disgusted.
I reminded him that there will be no next time. That if he ever does it again, our marriage is over. I told him that I could not deal with this pain again. I told him that to me, what he said was the same thing as saying: "I may have an affair in the future." I told him that I feel terribly hurt and rejected, but I don't think he really gets it. I think, on some level, he's insensitive to my pain and feelings.
All of these realizations is making the pain unbearable, and it's deeper tonight than it has ever been since this whole thing started in May.
I sat on the couch for a while after he left for work and thought long and hard about suicide. I then played a Playstation game for a while to try and distract my thoughts. But that didn't help. I barely remember feeding the dogs before I went upstairs in sort of a daze. They say this kind of pain is similar to post traumatic stress sydrome. I believe it.
Carnes' book about Sexual Addiction was sitting on my husband's bedside table. I thought of the Carnes' books and other porn addiction books my husband has read, and all of the articles I've downloaded from the internet for him to read. And I was disgusted about that as well--they suddenly seemed so useless, and I tore the Carne's book up and several articles and tossed them on the floor. Then I laid on the bed and cried. I cried long and hard, and I'm still feeling terrible pain in knowing that my marriage is probably over.
Yes, I'm still having suicidal thoughts. I'm trying very hard to remind myself tonight that there are still things to live for.
And it all stems from one thing that my husband keeps bringing up. Often, he'll say: "I think it would be best if I leave, because I'm afraid I'll hurt you again."
When asked how he'll hurt me again, he's evasive. The obvious conclusion that I've drawn is that he's afraid he will turn to porn again--or something worse like having sex with someone else.
And yet, he has sworn time and time again that he will never look at porn again and never have an affair, that he only wants me and is committed to me.
These statements and the duplicity in them has given me a terrible underlying sense of insecurity and a feeling of rejection through this entire ordeal and has made mending our marriage impossible. One day he'll make a promise and the next day he'll refute it. It's like this about so many things. Is it any wonder that I feel confused and lost?
This issue about causing me more pain has been very heavy on my mind this past week. This morning when he got home from work, I really didn't want to see him. I'm truly starting to pull away from him after all of the crap he has put me through--not only from his many years of porn use and lies but from the way he has reacted since I discovered it. Yes, he has tried, but he has also made some huge blunders and said some very hurtful things as well. What's more, he has continued to lie to me on various things.
Tonight, before he went to work, I insisted that he tell me what he means when he says he's afraid that he will hurt me again.
Again, he was evasive. I asked him if he means that he's afraid he'll do porn again.
He said: "Yes."
I was shattered. My worst fears were coming to life.
After all of this pain, all of these tears, all of these arguments during the past three months, after knowing that his porn use has nearly destroyed our marriage, he would actually do it again.
We got into an argument about it. He said that he wouldn't do it now, but that "you never know what will happen in say fifteen or twenty years," that it's "just human nature" that he may return to it. I told him that was nonsense. He is in control of himself and he is capable of making the right choices.
I do not believe that he has a disease like diabetes that's uncontrollable. I do not believe that he has no choice about what he does or doesn't do. To me, it sounds like he's already yearning for porn and thinking about it a lot--though he denies it when I ask him. It makes me sick, angry, jealous, and disgusted.
I reminded him that there will be no next time. That if he ever does it again, our marriage is over. I told him that I could not deal with this pain again. I told him that to me, what he said was the same thing as saying: "I may have an affair in the future." I told him that I feel terribly hurt and rejected, but I don't think he really gets it. I think, on some level, he's insensitive to my pain and feelings.
All of these realizations is making the pain unbearable, and it's deeper tonight than it has ever been since this whole thing started in May.
I sat on the couch for a while after he left for work and thought long and hard about suicide. I then played a Playstation game for a while to try and distract my thoughts. But that didn't help. I barely remember feeding the dogs before I went upstairs in sort of a daze. They say this kind of pain is similar to post traumatic stress sydrome. I believe it.
Carnes' book about Sexual Addiction was sitting on my husband's bedside table. I thought of the Carnes' books and other porn addiction books my husband has read, and all of the articles I've downloaded from the internet for him to read. And I was disgusted about that as well--they suddenly seemed so useless, and I tore the Carne's book up and several articles and tossed them on the floor. Then I laid on the bed and cried. I cried long and hard, and I'm still feeling terrible pain in knowing that my marriage is probably over.
Yes, I'm still having suicidal thoughts. I'm trying very hard to remind myself tonight that there are still things to live for.
Wednesday, August 1, 2007
Porn Women Aren't Real
I'm a professional writer and graphical artist. I've said many times that the women in porn (or in other publications) aren't real. I know more than a few tricks in repairing photos myself as I learned them for my 3D artwork. I know how to make skin look perfect, almost like a painting, with no blemishes or other flaws. I know how to make the eyes shine, how to make the teeth look white, how to make colors pop from an image, and many other tricks.
But here's a prime example of some of the changes that a photo goes through and how very "unreal" these women are. Notice how this woman goes from a plain jane to a sexy babe? And this doesn't even include the plastic surgery that such models have or the two plus hours it takes the pros to do their makeup and hair.
I found this link on chooseme....loveme's blog and wanted to share it here.
But here's a prime example of some of the changes that a photo goes through and how very "unreal" these women are. Notice how this woman goes from a plain jane to a sexy babe? And this doesn't even include the plastic surgery that such models have or the two plus hours it takes the pros to do their makeup and hair.
I found this link on chooseme....loveme's blog and wanted to share it here.
Another Confession
I was right. There was something else that he was hiding. He had admitted to me a couple of days ago that he'd looked at porn magazines in addition to the internet porn, but he'd said that he'd taken his son's magazines. We had a big fight about that. The next day, he admitted more, saying that he'd been using porn magazines for many years--as many as 14 years as far as I know. And he said he'd purchased some porn magazines and masturbated to them while he was at this house alone during the renovation (before we moved in) in 2003. He claims that he hid two magazines on the third floor, and they were still up there.
It's good that he confessed more to me, but at the same time, I'm horribly upset, because all through this, he'd claimed that there were no other secrets--that he'd told me everything. Even the day before, he said that I knew all that he'd done and apparently that was a lie too. I'm so tired of the lies and continued deception. How am I supposed to trust him when he keeps lying to me? I can't. It's impossible.
Of course, the reason he didn't tell me about the magazines before was that he was holding out on me and intended to use them again.
Yes, we got into a big fight again. He was very cold and callous to me through the fight, causing further resentment, which I still feel this evening. He continuously blamed me for his porn use through the argument, making me realize that he hasn't gotten as far as I thought in taking responsibility for what he did. He also packed his clothes and said he was going to leave so that he could "stop hurting me." In reality, I think he really wanted to hurt me more and was using leaving as a threat, because he's tired of the heat he's getting for what he did.
When he goes on a counter attack like this, he's hurting the marriage more. He needs to show his sorrow for what he has done and take responsibility for it. That's the only thing that will help our marriage withstand the damage that was done.
Anyway, yesterday, we went up to the third floor, as I was determined to find those magazines--not an easy job. The third floor is literally full of boxes (and not air conditioned) and we both dug endlessly until I found four of them--not two like he said. I took them to our bedroom on the second floor and tore them into shreds, crying the whole time and expressing my pain verbally. He held the trash bag open.
I felt a whole lot better afterward.
But today, I'm feeling pretty lousy again.
Some part of me hates him for what he did. And I feel that some part of me and our marriage is permanently wounded. I honestly don't know if I can go on with this marriage. I'm trying, but it's very difficult.
I have told him that I don't know how I'm going to feel six months, a year, or even two years from now--that I may find that I can't forgive him.
It's good that he confessed more to me, but at the same time, I'm horribly upset, because all through this, he'd claimed that there were no other secrets--that he'd told me everything. Even the day before, he said that I knew all that he'd done and apparently that was a lie too. I'm so tired of the lies and continued deception. How am I supposed to trust him when he keeps lying to me? I can't. It's impossible.
Of course, the reason he didn't tell me about the magazines before was that he was holding out on me and intended to use them again.
Yes, we got into a big fight again. He was very cold and callous to me through the fight, causing further resentment, which I still feel this evening. He continuously blamed me for his porn use through the argument, making me realize that he hasn't gotten as far as I thought in taking responsibility for what he did. He also packed his clothes and said he was going to leave so that he could "stop hurting me." In reality, I think he really wanted to hurt me more and was using leaving as a threat, because he's tired of the heat he's getting for what he did.
When he goes on a counter attack like this, he's hurting the marriage more. He needs to show his sorrow for what he has done and take responsibility for it. That's the only thing that will help our marriage withstand the damage that was done.
Anyway, yesterday, we went up to the third floor, as I was determined to find those magazines--not an easy job. The third floor is literally full of boxes (and not air conditioned) and we both dug endlessly until I found four of them--not two like he said. I took them to our bedroom on the second floor and tore them into shreds, crying the whole time and expressing my pain verbally. He held the trash bag open.
I felt a whole lot better afterward.
But today, I'm feeling pretty lousy again.
Some part of me hates him for what he did. And I feel that some part of me and our marriage is permanently wounded. I honestly don't know if I can go on with this marriage. I'm trying, but it's very difficult.
I have told him that I don't know how I'm going to feel six months, a year, or even two years from now--that I may find that I can't forgive him.
Monday, July 30, 2007
A Minor Confession
Yesterday my husband and I got into a fight. He admitted that he had looked at porn for much longer than I knew, and that he'd also looked at and masturbated to porn magazines.
All through this, he has been attributing his porn use to my lack of sex drive--well, this goes back beyond that. So there is no question that he did this while we had a good sexual relationship. I don't understand it. Not at all. If he's satisfied with me as he claims and wants only me as he claims, why would he have looked at porn way back then?
He says he doesn't know.
In addition, I've asked him numerous times during the past three months to confess all that he did, insisting that full disclosure is necessary for closure and rebuilding trust. Repeatedly, he'd say that I knew it all, that he had no more secrets. Now I know that he'd lied to me again by withholding information. I can't even begin to describe how angry I am at him for this.
I asked him why he hadn't told me before through all of this...he said that he planned on telling me eventually.
So what else does he plan on telling me eventually?
If there's some big and heavy thing that he has done, I need to know about it now.
In the midst of all of this yesterday, I'm pretty sure that he was on the verge of admitting to me that he'd had an affair, but he couldn't do it and suddenly clammed up.
This morning, he acted depressed before he went to work and said he thought that he was no good for me and wondered if it would be best if we split up.
He's carrying some heavy guilt. That's for sure. And I think it's from a bigger issue even than porn. And I'm, more than ever, certain that he had an affair.
So how did this development come about?
I'd been upset for a couple of days about a coworker named Bonnie Holcomb, a nurse that he'd worked with and gotten close to in 2000. He hasn't worked with her since then, but everything he did in the past has been on my mind since I discovered his porn use--because I'm picking apart the pieces and trying to evaluate whether there was other deception. I feel that if he could lie to me so easily about the porn, that he could easily lie to me about other things.
His relationship with Bonnie had all of the hallmarks of an emotional affair. There's no question about that. The only thing I'm uncertain about is whether there was sexual attraction. I believe there was on her part as we ran into her one day this spring at Hobby Lobby, and she was all over him, showering him with compliments about his ability and intelligence, and she gave him her phone number--not the first time. She's an older woman--about 20 years older than us, and not very attractive, and so I didn't think much of it at the time. Nor did I know anything about emotional affairs until I recently did some research on the subject in hopes of saving my marriage. I'd never liked how close he got to the females at work.
And I now know that it's inappropriate to get too close to someone of the opposite sex at work. It not only takes away from the relationship with the spouse at home, hurting the intimacy in a marriage, but it's also the first step toward having a sexual affair. This is why professionals suggest that one stick to business on the job and refrain from emotional or personal discussions. Exchanging phone numbers is way out of line.
Anyway, in the midst of our discussion he admitted the porn magazines. He was very quiet for a long time as if preparing himself to tell me the rest, and I was very quiet for several minutes, waiting for him to do so. It was as if the porn mags were the first step toward a full admission...and then he clammed up.
I don't get it. I wish he'd confess all. I know there's still something that he'd hiding.
All through this, he has been attributing his porn use to my lack of sex drive--well, this goes back beyond that. So there is no question that he did this while we had a good sexual relationship. I don't understand it. Not at all. If he's satisfied with me as he claims and wants only me as he claims, why would he have looked at porn way back then?
He says he doesn't know.
In addition, I've asked him numerous times during the past three months to confess all that he did, insisting that full disclosure is necessary for closure and rebuilding trust. Repeatedly, he'd say that I knew it all, that he had no more secrets. Now I know that he'd lied to me again by withholding information. I can't even begin to describe how angry I am at him for this.
I asked him why he hadn't told me before through all of this...he said that he planned on telling me eventually.
So what else does he plan on telling me eventually?
If there's some big and heavy thing that he has done, I need to know about it now.
In the midst of all of this yesterday, I'm pretty sure that he was on the verge of admitting to me that he'd had an affair, but he couldn't do it and suddenly clammed up.
This morning, he acted depressed before he went to work and said he thought that he was no good for me and wondered if it would be best if we split up.
He's carrying some heavy guilt. That's for sure. And I think it's from a bigger issue even than porn. And I'm, more than ever, certain that he had an affair.
So how did this development come about?
I'd been upset for a couple of days about a coworker named Bonnie Holcomb, a nurse that he'd worked with and gotten close to in 2000. He hasn't worked with her since then, but everything he did in the past has been on my mind since I discovered his porn use--because I'm picking apart the pieces and trying to evaluate whether there was other deception. I feel that if he could lie to me so easily about the porn, that he could easily lie to me about other things.
His relationship with Bonnie had all of the hallmarks of an emotional affair. There's no question about that. The only thing I'm uncertain about is whether there was sexual attraction. I believe there was on her part as we ran into her one day this spring at Hobby Lobby, and she was all over him, showering him with compliments about his ability and intelligence, and she gave him her phone number--not the first time. She's an older woman--about 20 years older than us, and not very attractive, and so I didn't think much of it at the time. Nor did I know anything about emotional affairs until I recently did some research on the subject in hopes of saving my marriage. I'd never liked how close he got to the females at work.
And I now know that it's inappropriate to get too close to someone of the opposite sex at work. It not only takes away from the relationship with the spouse at home, hurting the intimacy in a marriage, but it's also the first step toward having a sexual affair. This is why professionals suggest that one stick to business on the job and refrain from emotional or personal discussions. Exchanging phone numbers is way out of line.
Anyway, in the midst of our discussion he admitted the porn magazines. He was very quiet for a long time as if preparing himself to tell me the rest, and I was very quiet for several minutes, waiting for him to do so. It was as if the porn mags were the first step toward a full admission...and then he clammed up.
I don't get it. I wish he'd confess all. I know there's still something that he'd hiding.
Friday, July 27, 2007
ER vs. Dialysis
I said that I feel better this week. I realize that one of the reasons is because my husband showed me that he cares about me so much that he'd be willing to change jobs if that's what I wanted.
He's an RN, and he started working in the ER in April, before that he worked in acute dialysis, which he left because the hours were insane. They were understaffed, and he'd be on call almost all the time and even have to sacrifice his days off. It seemed like we had no time together, and his days off were spent on us getting caught up on errands like going to the grocery store. The ER, however, offers 12 hour shifts, three days a week. The rest of the time, he's home with me.
The hours are much better, but, in light of learning about his sexual addiction, I was suddenly insecure about him working in the ER and being around nude patients. Undoubtedly, there are many situations in the ER which involve nudity, including running EKGs and doing catherizations. And, no, most patients who go into the ER are not true emergencies, but sore throats, bladder infections, and the like.
Also, whores and strippers often visit ERs for their medical treatment.
So I told him in no uncertain terms that I wanted him to leave the ER.
He was upset about it for a couple of days but said that he'd leave the ER if that was what I wanted. He went to talk to his old boss in dialysis who told him that he could have his job back if he wanted it.
Thus began yet another round of conflict between us, with him insisting that I decide which job I wanted him to work--reminding me that the hours were insane before and that nudity is possible in every field of medicine. He also reassured me that the techs are responsible for catherizing female patients and running EKGs, claiming nudity is rare.
I don't fully believe the last. Long ago, I was a medical student myself. I know that there are times when he may need to do these things when the ER gets busy.
But, I thought long and hard about all of this. And I decided that he has worked in the medical field for 25 years, and that if something on the job would have come between us, it would have long ago. I also realize that the insecurity I'm feeling is due to all that has happened recently--but that these things really have nothing to do with his job.
I also realize that the greatest threat to our relationship isn't the nude patients he may see in the ER, but other nurses he works with. Affairs with coworkers are one of the greatest threats to a marriage. Unfortunately, in my husband's field, most of his coworkers are women.
I also thought about dialysis where he'd be working long hours in a small clinic with another woman--often late at night after everyone else went home, and suddenly I realized that I would feel insecure with him working at his old job as well.
Before, he'd formed a close friendship with a coworker in dialysis, but I wasn't too worried about her as she's in her mid-60s and not attractive. But he did share a lot with her at a time when he was withdrawing from me, and that hurts. It was almost an emotional affair--just without the sexual attraction. I have no doubt that if she'd been a hot babe that he would have had an affair with her, considering that he had distanced himself from me and withdrawn from the marriage, all the while looking at all of that porn.
Such a thought hurts more than I can say. And, no, I'm not anxious for him to work with her again, old and unattractive or not.
Also, they're looking for a couple of new nurses in dialysis and who knows what the next will be. What if she is a hot, young babe?
Even if she's not, some nights he may be there all alone--and be able to get on the internet. In the ER, he doesn't have time to peek at porn on the net.
On top of all of that, I realize that I can't control what he does, that if he's going to cheat, the opportunity exists everywhere.
So I decided that he should just stay where he is for now until I can work this all out in my head. I'm confused right now due to all of the pain.
Still, I want him to find something other than the ER eventually.
He doesn't have to go back to dialysis or make a change right away though. Perhaps something else will come to light.
He's an RN, and he started working in the ER in April, before that he worked in acute dialysis, which he left because the hours were insane. They were understaffed, and he'd be on call almost all the time and even have to sacrifice his days off. It seemed like we had no time together, and his days off were spent on us getting caught up on errands like going to the grocery store. The ER, however, offers 12 hour shifts, three days a week. The rest of the time, he's home with me.
The hours are much better, but, in light of learning about his sexual addiction, I was suddenly insecure about him working in the ER and being around nude patients. Undoubtedly, there are many situations in the ER which involve nudity, including running EKGs and doing catherizations. And, no, most patients who go into the ER are not true emergencies, but sore throats, bladder infections, and the like.
Also, whores and strippers often visit ERs for their medical treatment.
So I told him in no uncertain terms that I wanted him to leave the ER.
He was upset about it for a couple of days but said that he'd leave the ER if that was what I wanted. He went to talk to his old boss in dialysis who told him that he could have his job back if he wanted it.
Thus began yet another round of conflict between us, with him insisting that I decide which job I wanted him to work--reminding me that the hours were insane before and that nudity is possible in every field of medicine. He also reassured me that the techs are responsible for catherizing female patients and running EKGs, claiming nudity is rare.
I don't fully believe the last. Long ago, I was a medical student myself. I know that there are times when he may need to do these things when the ER gets busy.
But, I thought long and hard about all of this. And I decided that he has worked in the medical field for 25 years, and that if something on the job would have come between us, it would have long ago. I also realize that the insecurity I'm feeling is due to all that has happened recently--but that these things really have nothing to do with his job.
I also realize that the greatest threat to our relationship isn't the nude patients he may see in the ER, but other nurses he works with. Affairs with coworkers are one of the greatest threats to a marriage. Unfortunately, in my husband's field, most of his coworkers are women.
I also thought about dialysis where he'd be working long hours in a small clinic with another woman--often late at night after everyone else went home, and suddenly I realized that I would feel insecure with him working at his old job as well.
Before, he'd formed a close friendship with a coworker in dialysis, but I wasn't too worried about her as she's in her mid-60s and not attractive. But he did share a lot with her at a time when he was withdrawing from me, and that hurts. It was almost an emotional affair--just without the sexual attraction. I have no doubt that if she'd been a hot babe that he would have had an affair with her, considering that he had distanced himself from me and withdrawn from the marriage, all the while looking at all of that porn.
Such a thought hurts more than I can say. And, no, I'm not anxious for him to work with her again, old and unattractive or not.
Also, they're looking for a couple of new nurses in dialysis and who knows what the next will be. What if she is a hot, young babe?
Even if she's not, some nights he may be there all alone--and be able to get on the internet. In the ER, he doesn't have time to peek at porn on the net.
On top of all of that, I realize that I can't control what he does, that if he's going to cheat, the opportunity exists everywhere.
So I decided that he should just stay where he is for now until I can work this all out in my head. I'm confused right now due to all of the pain.
Still, I want him to find something other than the ER eventually.
He doesn't have to go back to dialysis or make a change right away though. Perhaps something else will come to light.
Feeling Better This Week
I've been feeling better these past few days. I'm not sure why. Maybe because we've gone about a week now without my husband blatantly oogling someone when we go out. And maybe because I feel like he's finally starting to hear me and understand the gravity of what he did. And maybe because I'm not letting myself dwell on it all. I've distracted myself with my work, cleaning, and shopping. Yes, the shopping part can be bad, as I'm somewhat of a compulsive shopper and can easily spend way too much--and yes, I've spent way too much this past week. I think I've spent about $300.00 on Ebay alone, mainly on sexy bras, satiny gowns, and lingerie (in light of my husband's confession that a lot of my gowns look like old lady clothes and he doesn't like my old bras and lingerie).
So I'm telling myself tonight that I need to knock it off with the spending.
Okay, I have a couple of things still listed on Auction Sniper, but after that, I'm done.
I look great in this stuff though...really hot...and even better, I'm real. My husband would be nuts if he wants a fake porn woman over the real thing. I think it's all nuts anyway. I guess a large part of me doesn't understand what's so great about looking at a nude body.
I'm an artist. And I love beauty. But it doesn't matter how beautiful something is or how in awe I am at the artist's ability, I'll get tired of looking at it quickly and notice the similarities in the piece from other work I've seen.
Such cliches are even more blatant in porn (not that I consider porn art by any means). You see one nude woman, you've seen them all--especially when it comes to cookie cutter blondes and long-haired brunettes with fake boobs. It's all really the same. If you go back and look at the porn from the 1970's--you'd see no big difference between that and the stuff that's online and in magazines now. The women are all so similar that they could even be the same women from back then as they have a typical look from the flaying hair down to the corset and stiletto heels. Most of them really are not beautiful or overly compelling. They're just highly made up and the photos are perfected by skilled professionals.
It's a wonder why people who look at it frequently don't tire of it.
I've mentioned these things to my husband but none of it seems to register.
He merely says that he doesn't want me to look like them and that they can't compare to me.
Anyway, yes, I've actually been getting my life back together. I had been so distraught that I hadn't even cleaned the house, except for small things like dishes, for over three months. I spent over 8 hours yesterday cleaning, dusting, and vaccuming. There's still much to do, but, wow, it's so much better.
Hopefully, the healing will continue.
So I'm telling myself tonight that I need to knock it off with the spending.
Okay, I have a couple of things still listed on Auction Sniper, but after that, I'm done.
I look great in this stuff though...really hot...and even better, I'm real. My husband would be nuts if he wants a fake porn woman over the real thing. I think it's all nuts anyway. I guess a large part of me doesn't understand what's so great about looking at a nude body.
I'm an artist. And I love beauty. But it doesn't matter how beautiful something is or how in awe I am at the artist's ability, I'll get tired of looking at it quickly and notice the similarities in the piece from other work I've seen.
Such cliches are even more blatant in porn (not that I consider porn art by any means). You see one nude woman, you've seen them all--especially when it comes to cookie cutter blondes and long-haired brunettes with fake boobs. It's all really the same. If you go back and look at the porn from the 1970's--you'd see no big difference between that and the stuff that's online and in magazines now. The women are all so similar that they could even be the same women from back then as they have a typical look from the flaying hair down to the corset and stiletto heels. Most of them really are not beautiful or overly compelling. They're just highly made up and the photos are perfected by skilled professionals.
It's a wonder why people who look at it frequently don't tire of it.
I've mentioned these things to my husband but none of it seems to register.
He merely says that he doesn't want me to look like them and that they can't compare to me.
Anyway, yes, I've actually been getting my life back together. I had been so distraught that I hadn't even cleaned the house, except for small things like dishes, for over three months. I spent over 8 hours yesterday cleaning, dusting, and vaccuming. There's still much to do, but, wow, it's so much better.
Hopefully, the healing will continue.
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
He Stares at Women
Tonight I'm overwhelmed with heartache and having a difficult time focusing on my work--which I'm still eons behind on.
I still think my husband is on the hunt due to the way he acts. I think he's not fully satisfied with me and our sex life and wants something more--or something different. He still claims this is not true and that he only wants me.
I'm so tired of it all. We seem to be getting nowhere.
I'd thought it would be good if we got out of the house and did something different on Monday, and so I suggested that we go for a game of Miniature Golf. There's a great miniature golf course in the city with such beautiful and relaxing scenery. We'd always loved to go there but hadn't in several years. So I thought it would be a wonderful and romantic place for us to spend some time together. He did too.
As we were going in, a tanned, long-haired, buxom, blonde (he claims he dislikes blondes), wearing shorts and a halter, and, who was probably no older than 20, strolled along the pathway in front of us toward the cashier booth. My husband was all eyes. I immediately felt that sickening feeling of anxiety and pain creeping in.
She and the man she was with slowed down for some reason and fell behind us. My husband looked back at her several times.
I didn't say a thing. I tried not to think about it. I didn't want to get upset. I wanted to enjoy the evening.
It wasn't to be.
We went in and played golf--I made sure that we didn't play the same course as the blonde and her date.
We were toward the end of the course, when we heard laughter. The blonde and her date had apparently finished earlier and were outside the fenced-in area that divided the course from the parking lot. We could see them through the wrought iron fence. The blonde and her date were just playing around, teasing each other, and being a bit loud about it.
Again, he was all eyes, looking over there several times, probably hoping that some bare flesh would be revealed. To my relief, the young couple, finally got in the car and drove away, no flesh revealed.
We finished the game and went to an icecream shop, and when we sat down to eat, he could tell that I was angry. I told him why, told him that I'd noticed his fascination with the blonde.
He denied it. Of course he would. He always does. He said he was just looking over there, because of the noise.
I told him I didn't believe him.
We got into the car, and I told him I hated him when he did that. I asked him just how he thought it made me feel when he stared at young girls like that. I told him it made me feel miserable, old, worthless, and unwanted, because I can't compete with 20-year olds. And I told him that he could, at the very least, have the decency to control himself when he's with me.
He said he's trying to stop looking at "everyone" when he goes out, to keep his eyes on the ground, but is having difficulty doing so.
I hate it when he says crap like this, because it's either a way to turn everything around and make it seem like I'm overreacting in order to relieve himself of guilt, or is a way to deny that he does this even to himself.
So when we got home, I printed out the Interview for a Sexual Addict on sexualcontrol.com and directed him to #7., which says:
"Have there been arguments between you and your partner about staring?
Yes No Sometimes
If you and your partner fight over staring, you're addicted.
Talk to your partner about it and she'll tell you that she doesn't expect you to walk around like you're blind to feminine beauty. Her point is that you don't just notice an attractive woman. You stare.
You probably think your partner's overdoing it. Don't bet on it. You're the one who's overdoing it. That's why there's fighting between the two of you about it."
He remained, however, in denial mode.
So I told him that I'd noticed him staring at women often during our marriage, even during the early years, and that I could remember each time and each woman, because it hurt me so badly each time he did it, and I'd always measured myself against these women. In fact, I reminded him that we'd had arguments about it. I told him that I could even remember times when we'd be driving down the road, and after he'd spot an attractive woman walking down the street, he'd look in the rear view mirror to catch an extra glimpse after we'd passed her.
I told him this had given me insecurity early on in our marriage and showed itself in numerous ways.
To this, he started acting defensive instead of understanding, saying things like: "I guess I'm just all around bad for you then."
I also told him that he's doing it now much more than he used to--but I don't think he can hear me.
We fought about it more yesterday, and he finally admitted that he does stare at women sometimes and has sexual thoughts about various parts of their anatomy, clothes, or hair. He won't admit to actual "lust" or "desire."
Why won't he admit the obvious? Why?
Today, I'm still hurt and angry about the whole thing. I don't see why it's so damn hard for him to get control of his dick! If he stares like that when he's with me, what does he do when I'm not with him?
Does he flirt? Does he come on to women? Does he drive around several times when he sees an attractive women walking down the street? Does he ever follow women who are walking down the street? Does he drive places where he can watch young women? Does he think about them when he makes love to me?
Such thoughts torture me.
I certainly don't go nuts when I see an attractive man--and I would never turn around and look twice. To me the attractiveness registers, and then I forget it just as quickly. So what--someone is attractive. It's no big deal. Who cares about a stranger that they'll never see again anyway?
When I say things like this, his response is: "Oh, so you're so much more superior than me then."
No, that's not what I'm saying. I'm saying that this is how I think it should be, and how I want it to be with him. I don't want him to ogle women as if committing them to memory. And I certainly don't want him to look twice.
I'm so tired of this. I'm almost to the point of walking away from this marriage. I'm so disgusted with him.
I still think my husband is on the hunt due to the way he acts. I think he's not fully satisfied with me and our sex life and wants something more--or something different. He still claims this is not true and that he only wants me.
I'm so tired of it all. We seem to be getting nowhere.
I'd thought it would be good if we got out of the house and did something different on Monday, and so I suggested that we go for a game of Miniature Golf. There's a great miniature golf course in the city with such beautiful and relaxing scenery. We'd always loved to go there but hadn't in several years. So I thought it would be a wonderful and romantic place for us to spend some time together. He did too.
As we were going in, a tanned, long-haired, buxom, blonde (he claims he dislikes blondes), wearing shorts and a halter, and, who was probably no older than 20, strolled along the pathway in front of us toward the cashier booth. My husband was all eyes. I immediately felt that sickening feeling of anxiety and pain creeping in.
She and the man she was with slowed down for some reason and fell behind us. My husband looked back at her several times.
I didn't say a thing. I tried not to think about it. I didn't want to get upset. I wanted to enjoy the evening.
It wasn't to be.
We went in and played golf--I made sure that we didn't play the same course as the blonde and her date.
We were toward the end of the course, when we heard laughter. The blonde and her date had apparently finished earlier and were outside the fenced-in area that divided the course from the parking lot. We could see them through the wrought iron fence. The blonde and her date were just playing around, teasing each other, and being a bit loud about it.
Again, he was all eyes, looking over there several times, probably hoping that some bare flesh would be revealed. To my relief, the young couple, finally got in the car and drove away, no flesh revealed.
We finished the game and went to an icecream shop, and when we sat down to eat, he could tell that I was angry. I told him why, told him that I'd noticed his fascination with the blonde.
He denied it. Of course he would. He always does. He said he was just looking over there, because of the noise.
I told him I didn't believe him.
We got into the car, and I told him I hated him when he did that. I asked him just how he thought it made me feel when he stared at young girls like that. I told him it made me feel miserable, old, worthless, and unwanted, because I can't compete with 20-year olds. And I told him that he could, at the very least, have the decency to control himself when he's with me.
He said he's trying to stop looking at "everyone" when he goes out, to keep his eyes on the ground, but is having difficulty doing so.
I hate it when he says crap like this, because it's either a way to turn everything around and make it seem like I'm overreacting in order to relieve himself of guilt, or is a way to deny that he does this even to himself.
So when we got home, I printed out the Interview for a Sexual Addict on sexualcontrol.com and directed him to #7., which says:
"Have there been arguments between you and your partner about staring?
Yes No Sometimes
If you and your partner fight over staring, you're addicted.
Talk to your partner about it and she'll tell you that she doesn't expect you to walk around like you're blind to feminine beauty. Her point is that you don't just notice an attractive woman. You stare.
You probably think your partner's overdoing it. Don't bet on it. You're the one who's overdoing it. That's why there's fighting between the two of you about it."
He remained, however, in denial mode.
So I told him that I'd noticed him staring at women often during our marriage, even during the early years, and that I could remember each time and each woman, because it hurt me so badly each time he did it, and I'd always measured myself against these women. In fact, I reminded him that we'd had arguments about it. I told him that I could even remember times when we'd be driving down the road, and after he'd spot an attractive woman walking down the street, he'd look in the rear view mirror to catch an extra glimpse after we'd passed her.
I told him this had given me insecurity early on in our marriage and showed itself in numerous ways.
To this, he started acting defensive instead of understanding, saying things like: "I guess I'm just all around bad for you then."
I also told him that he's doing it now much more than he used to--but I don't think he can hear me.
We fought about it more yesterday, and he finally admitted that he does stare at women sometimes and has sexual thoughts about various parts of their anatomy, clothes, or hair. He won't admit to actual "lust" or "desire."
Why won't he admit the obvious? Why?
Today, I'm still hurt and angry about the whole thing. I don't see why it's so damn hard for him to get control of his dick! If he stares like that when he's with me, what does he do when I'm not with him?
Does he flirt? Does he come on to women? Does he drive around several times when he sees an attractive women walking down the street? Does he ever follow women who are walking down the street? Does he drive places where he can watch young women? Does he think about them when he makes love to me?
Such thoughts torture me.
I certainly don't go nuts when I see an attractive man--and I would never turn around and look twice. To me the attractiveness registers, and then I forget it just as quickly. So what--someone is attractive. It's no big deal. Who cares about a stranger that they'll never see again anyway?
When I say things like this, his response is: "Oh, so you're so much more superior than me then."
No, that's not what I'm saying. I'm saying that this is how I think it should be, and how I want it to be with him. I don't want him to ogle women as if committing them to memory. And I certainly don't want him to look twice.
I'm so tired of this. I'm almost to the point of walking away from this marriage. I'm so disgusted with him.
Friday, July 13, 2007
Get Help Now!
I found a site about treating sexual addictions, called SexualControl.com, by Joe Zychik, that's so enlightening that I wanted to mention it. I've also listed it in the link section.
The things this counselor says makes sense.
I don't think sexual addicts can rely on getting better by rehatching childhood abuse or neglect. A person with a sexual addiction can only overcome their problem by dealing with the here and now and taking responsibility for their choices.
I'm also not big on the twelve step program. I've read so many articles online about how some sexual addicts get their kicks by going to these meetings merely to listen to the details. And, often, sexual addicts will drop by these meetings merely to meet another addict. I sure wouldn't want my husband to attend such a meeting without me. I'm not sure I'd want him to attend such a meeting at all.
If those reasons aren't bad enough, people who attend these meetings and give details about their addiction are also giving private information about themselves to a group of people who aren't professional counselors and are not obligated to protecting privacy. Would you wish to share something so private with your neighbors?
I also believe that an end to an addiction will not come by depending on a "higher power." God will give you support and guidance, but you have to do the work yourself. He won't do it for you. It's like that with any problem.
And what about guilt. The Twelve Step Programs serve to relieve the addict of guilt. I think the addict should feel guilty for the pain their choices have brought to others. Guilt is one of the ways that we grow as human beings and question the choices we've made.
Anyway, if you've like to read more of Joe Zychik's advice and get his help. Check out his website: SexualControl.com.
The things this counselor says makes sense.
I don't think sexual addicts can rely on getting better by rehatching childhood abuse or neglect. A person with a sexual addiction can only overcome their problem by dealing with the here and now and taking responsibility for their choices.
I'm also not big on the twelve step program. I've read so many articles online about how some sexual addicts get their kicks by going to these meetings merely to listen to the details. And, often, sexual addicts will drop by these meetings merely to meet another addict. I sure wouldn't want my husband to attend such a meeting without me. I'm not sure I'd want him to attend such a meeting at all.
If those reasons aren't bad enough, people who attend these meetings and give details about their addiction are also giving private information about themselves to a group of people who aren't professional counselors and are not obligated to protecting privacy. Would you wish to share something so private with your neighbors?
I also believe that an end to an addiction will not come by depending on a "higher power." God will give you support and guidance, but you have to do the work yourself. He won't do it for you. It's like that with any problem.
And what about guilt. The Twelve Step Programs serve to relieve the addict of guilt. I think the addict should feel guilty for the pain their choices have brought to others. Guilt is one of the ways that we grow as human beings and question the choices we've made.
Anyway, if you've like to read more of Joe Zychik's advice and get his help. Check out his website: SexualControl.com.
Threatening Suicide
I've been through one hell of a week.
I was getting frustrated about having to deal with this pain every day and not seeing my husband take any action to improve his condition. In fact, I'd even purchased him a book by Patrick Carnes about Sexual Addictions at the suggestion of my psychologist, but nearly two weeks had passed and he hadn't even touched the book. I began to feel that I was doing all of the work and that he wasn't taking responsibility for his problem. I also felt like he was continually lying to me. One day he'd say one thing--such as make an admission about looking at other women when we went out--and the next, he'd refute that he'd said that. He even denied having any sexual desire for the women in the porn photos he'd looked at.
I felt like I was losing my mind.
I talked to my psychologist about this and she said: "You have a tough case on your hands."
So, last Sunday morning, I told him that if I don't see any positive improvement, and if he doesn't get help for his sexual addiction, that I'm going to leave him. In fact, I told him that I'd started checking into information about getting an apartment. I just wanted to lay it on the line for him and try to make him see what the consequences would be if things continued how they are. I also felt that is was necessary to be honest with him and let him know that our marriage may be at an end.
I also wanted him to know that I can't take his lying anymore, that honesty is required for rebuilding trust.
Thus began a big and ugly fight complete with screaming and accusations. Things cooled down and we made up later that night, but the next day, Sunday, my husband kept threatening suicide, saying that he was going to give notice to work on Tuesday and kill himself on Wednesday. He wouldn't look at me or touch me. He totally withdrew from me. He said it was because he felt guilty about what he'd done.
I was concerned about these threats, but I also saw them as a means of him wanting to control me and keep me from leaving. I thought it had more to do with that than guilt over what he'd done.
He went to work that night and I was worried the whole night and angry, because he was putting me through more bullshit. I contacted my psychologist and asked her if I should take these threats seriously, and here's what she said about the levels of suicide.
"5 LEVELS OF SUICIDE
LEVEL ONE
This includes thoughts of wanting to die and thoughts of death with no thoughts of suicide. Just wanting to die of a disease like cancer. The person may say things like Ï wish I was dead." when angry or hurt. Most of us have experienced this at one time or another.
LEVEL TWO
Thoughts of suicide with no plan or intent. The person may start feeling hopeless or helpless and may voice this. Things like Ï just want to kill myself or Why don't I just kill myself."might be said when angry or hurt.
LEVEL THREE
Thoughts of suicide with a plan that is not lethal. Non-lethal plans include plans like taking a bunch of pills or cutting the wrist. There is no intent to attempt suicide.
LEVEL FOUR
This is where males and females start to diverge. Women are more likely to develop plans that are non-lethal and are more likely to attempt. For women look at past suicide attempts because they get more lethal each time. Men are more likely to develop plans that are lethal but are less likely to attempt so look for a lethal plan with no intent to follow through. May talk about seeing others as better off with out them but can be talked out of this.
LEVEL FIVE
Thoughts of suicide that are lethal and with intent. Suicide becomes the only option out of their problems. See everyone else as better off without them and cannot be talked out of this.
Factors to consider: if there is drinking or drug use always raise the person by a level because alcohol and drugs lower inhibitions.
Consider the suicide risk more if the person is single, male, young, or alone. Always seek help at all levels because even level one is a symptom of depression and can be treated. Seek emergency help if at level five.
As the level gets higher the thoughts of suicide increase and become more obsessive. A good question to ask is when was the last time the person thought of suicide. Ask how frequently were their thoughts such as how many times this month, week or even day.
If he had a plan and it sounds like it was lethal then he needs immediate help. If he is unwilling then you can file civil commitment papers. Your local district attorney would be able to tell you how to do this. "
I tried to get him to go to the ER, but he wouldn't go. I called the psychologist we'd seen weeks earlier and asked her what I should do. She said he needed to go to the ER. I told her that he was embarrassed to go to the ER, because he works there. She suggested one out of town and gave me a doctor's name. I told him I was going to call the police and have them take him if he didn't go voluntarily.
Finally, things calmed down and we talked some more and he seemed okay.
Obviously the threats weren't serious. He didn't attempt suicide, but the next day, he acted the same way, withdrawn and unresponsive to me. In a way, I felt like I was being punished, and I was angry, because I felt like it was a big act to get me to do what he wanted me to do. I felt resentful that he'd made such threats.
We had another fight, and since then, things have been much better...until yesterday.
He'd brought up a situation at work, where, according to him, the police brought some "skank," who was out of her head from drug use, into the ER, where he works, and she "flashed everyone," including the police, and offered anyone who came near her a blowjob if they'd let her go.
This made me begin to wonder what all goes on in the ER--what all he sees and does.
Quite frankly, in the 27 years he has worked in medicine, the subject has always bothered me, but I was usually able to force the pain deep inside and not make an issue of it, pretend like it wasn't happening in order to tolerate his field of work. But, in light of his sexual addiction, I can't do that now, and situations like this brought out a source of deep rooted insecurity in me. I began to think about the procedures he does to women, such as bladder catherizations and hooking women up to a monitor for an EKG when they have chest pain (they make patients remove their shirts for this), and other things and how very frequently he must encounter nudity on the job.
I told him that I wanted him to get a job elsewhere, someplace where it's less likely that he'll encounter nude young woman and situations like the "skank." Before he'd worked in the ER, he'd worked in a dialysis clinic and most of the patients were old and/or severely sick. I didn't have a problem with that.
And before you insist that the patients in an ER are all in real bad shape, such as car accidents, think twice. Most of the patients they see aren't emergencies at all but someone with a sore throat, a drunk, or other minor thing who has no health insurance. Such people go to the ER for their medical treatment, because the ER can't turn them away--a doctor's office can. Even my best friend, who lives in Pennsylvania, says that the local hookers go to the ER for all of their medical care so that they don't have to go to a doctor's office.
Well, I don't want my husband to work in an environment like that or be around women like that. I don't want him to see nude women period. From one night to the next, who knows what he'll encounter.
He said that was fine with him, that he understood how I feel and that he'd check into other job options or maybe get transferred to another area of the hospital.
We enjoyed the evening together, went to sleep, and all seemed fine.
Then, he awoke early, saying he couldn't sleep and that he was upset about all of this, that he'd been in medicine for years and couldn't imagine doing anything else. I said that I'd never asked him to quit medicine, only that I wanted him to work somewhere where encountering nudity was less likely. He said there's no such place in medicine and by insisting on that, I was asking him to switch to another field of work.
He was also acting depressed and withdrawn again. Before he left for work this evening, he asked me to make an appointment for him to see the psychologist we'd seen a few weeks earlier.
I'm sitting here tonight with a mix of emotions, ranging from hurt to anger. I'm thinking that he's putting me through more bullshit, knowing full well, I'll have to sit here for 12 hours while he's at work and be upset about this.
Is this another one of his dramatic acts to sway me? I think so. He'd said he was willing to do anything to make this marriage work, do anything I wanted him to do. I don't know why he's making such a big issue of this. He has only worked in the ER a few months now. It can't be an endearing place for him. He has often mentioned things that he dislikes about the job.
What is so terrible about choosing another field of medicine or being transferred to another area of the hospital?
I was getting frustrated about having to deal with this pain every day and not seeing my husband take any action to improve his condition. In fact, I'd even purchased him a book by Patrick Carnes about Sexual Addictions at the suggestion of my psychologist, but nearly two weeks had passed and he hadn't even touched the book. I began to feel that I was doing all of the work and that he wasn't taking responsibility for his problem. I also felt like he was continually lying to me. One day he'd say one thing--such as make an admission about looking at other women when we went out--and the next, he'd refute that he'd said that. He even denied having any sexual desire for the women in the porn photos he'd looked at.
I felt like I was losing my mind.
I talked to my psychologist about this and she said: "You have a tough case on your hands."
So, last Sunday morning, I told him that if I don't see any positive improvement, and if he doesn't get help for his sexual addiction, that I'm going to leave him. In fact, I told him that I'd started checking into information about getting an apartment. I just wanted to lay it on the line for him and try to make him see what the consequences would be if things continued how they are. I also felt that is was necessary to be honest with him and let him know that our marriage may be at an end.
I also wanted him to know that I can't take his lying anymore, that honesty is required for rebuilding trust.
Thus began a big and ugly fight complete with screaming and accusations. Things cooled down and we made up later that night, but the next day, Sunday, my husband kept threatening suicide, saying that he was going to give notice to work on Tuesday and kill himself on Wednesday. He wouldn't look at me or touch me. He totally withdrew from me. He said it was because he felt guilty about what he'd done.
I was concerned about these threats, but I also saw them as a means of him wanting to control me and keep me from leaving. I thought it had more to do with that than guilt over what he'd done.
He went to work that night and I was worried the whole night and angry, because he was putting me through more bullshit. I contacted my psychologist and asked her if I should take these threats seriously, and here's what she said about the levels of suicide.
"5 LEVELS OF SUICIDE
LEVEL ONE
This includes thoughts of wanting to die and thoughts of death with no thoughts of suicide. Just wanting to die of a disease like cancer. The person may say things like Ï wish I was dead." when angry or hurt. Most of us have experienced this at one time or another.
LEVEL TWO
Thoughts of suicide with no plan or intent. The person may start feeling hopeless or helpless and may voice this. Things like Ï just want to kill myself or Why don't I just kill myself."might be said when angry or hurt.
LEVEL THREE
Thoughts of suicide with a plan that is not lethal. Non-lethal plans include plans like taking a bunch of pills or cutting the wrist. There is no intent to attempt suicide.
LEVEL FOUR
This is where males and females start to diverge. Women are more likely to develop plans that are non-lethal and are more likely to attempt. For women look at past suicide attempts because they get more lethal each time. Men are more likely to develop plans that are lethal but are less likely to attempt so look for a lethal plan with no intent to follow through. May talk about seeing others as better off with out them but can be talked out of this.
LEVEL FIVE
Thoughts of suicide that are lethal and with intent. Suicide becomes the only option out of their problems. See everyone else as better off without them and cannot be talked out of this.
Factors to consider: if there is drinking or drug use always raise the person by a level because alcohol and drugs lower inhibitions.
Consider the suicide risk more if the person is single, male, young, or alone. Always seek help at all levels because even level one is a symptom of depression and can be treated. Seek emergency help if at level five.
As the level gets higher the thoughts of suicide increase and become more obsessive. A good question to ask is when was the last time the person thought of suicide. Ask how frequently were their thoughts such as how many times this month, week or even day.
If he had a plan and it sounds like it was lethal then he needs immediate help. If he is unwilling then you can file civil commitment papers. Your local district attorney would be able to tell you how to do this. "
I tried to get him to go to the ER, but he wouldn't go. I called the psychologist we'd seen weeks earlier and asked her what I should do. She said he needed to go to the ER. I told her that he was embarrassed to go to the ER, because he works there. She suggested one out of town and gave me a doctor's name. I told him I was going to call the police and have them take him if he didn't go voluntarily.
Finally, things calmed down and we talked some more and he seemed okay.
Obviously the threats weren't serious. He didn't attempt suicide, but the next day, he acted the same way, withdrawn and unresponsive to me. In a way, I felt like I was being punished, and I was angry, because I felt like it was a big act to get me to do what he wanted me to do. I felt resentful that he'd made such threats.
We had another fight, and since then, things have been much better...until yesterday.
He'd brought up a situation at work, where, according to him, the police brought some "skank," who was out of her head from drug use, into the ER, where he works, and she "flashed everyone," including the police, and offered anyone who came near her a blowjob if they'd let her go.
This made me begin to wonder what all goes on in the ER--what all he sees and does.
Quite frankly, in the 27 years he has worked in medicine, the subject has always bothered me, but I was usually able to force the pain deep inside and not make an issue of it, pretend like it wasn't happening in order to tolerate his field of work. But, in light of his sexual addiction, I can't do that now, and situations like this brought out a source of deep rooted insecurity in me. I began to think about the procedures he does to women, such as bladder catherizations and hooking women up to a monitor for an EKG when they have chest pain (they make patients remove their shirts for this), and other things and how very frequently he must encounter nudity on the job.
I told him that I wanted him to get a job elsewhere, someplace where it's less likely that he'll encounter nude young woman and situations like the "skank." Before he'd worked in the ER, he'd worked in a dialysis clinic and most of the patients were old and/or severely sick. I didn't have a problem with that.
And before you insist that the patients in an ER are all in real bad shape, such as car accidents, think twice. Most of the patients they see aren't emergencies at all but someone with a sore throat, a drunk, or other minor thing who has no health insurance. Such people go to the ER for their medical treatment, because the ER can't turn them away--a doctor's office can. Even my best friend, who lives in Pennsylvania, says that the local hookers go to the ER for all of their medical care so that they don't have to go to a doctor's office.
Well, I don't want my husband to work in an environment like that or be around women like that. I don't want him to see nude women period. From one night to the next, who knows what he'll encounter.
He said that was fine with him, that he understood how I feel and that he'd check into other job options or maybe get transferred to another area of the hospital.
We enjoyed the evening together, went to sleep, and all seemed fine.
Then, he awoke early, saying he couldn't sleep and that he was upset about all of this, that he'd been in medicine for years and couldn't imagine doing anything else. I said that I'd never asked him to quit medicine, only that I wanted him to work somewhere where encountering nudity was less likely. He said there's no such place in medicine and by insisting on that, I was asking him to switch to another field of work.
He was also acting depressed and withdrawn again. Before he left for work this evening, he asked me to make an appointment for him to see the psychologist we'd seen a few weeks earlier.
I'm sitting here tonight with a mix of emotions, ranging from hurt to anger. I'm thinking that he's putting me through more bullshit, knowing full well, I'll have to sit here for 12 hours while he's at work and be upset about this.
Is this another one of his dramatic acts to sway me? I think so. He'd said he was willing to do anything to make this marriage work, do anything I wanted him to do. I don't know why he's making such a big issue of this. He has only worked in the ER a few months now. It can't be an endearing place for him. He has often mentioned things that he dislikes about the job.
What is so terrible about choosing another field of medicine or being transferred to another area of the hospital?
Monday, July 9, 2007
Transformer Movie--Appropriate for Sex Addicts?
My husband and I were big fans of the Transformers in the 1980s, and now there's a new film out about these beloved robots, and he's pressuring me to see it. He has been since the 4th of July, but I bailed on him. Yesterday, he suddenly announced that we'll go see it tonight and have dinner out.
I keep putting off going to see this film, because I wonder if it's a good film for a sexual addict to see. Have you seen it? What do you think?
There are several issues at the core of my decision.
I'm afraid that I'll feel hurt about him watching the movie, which will start the fighting, suspicions, and accusations up all over again.
I know it sounds silly--it does even to me on some level, but there's supposedly a "hot" brunette in the film, Megan Fox, and knowing my husband's fascination with brunettes, who look much like her, the mere thought of going to see a film with one that lots of guys out there are talking about, bothers me deeply.
On some level, I wonder if that's the real reason why he wants to see the film. He'd mentioned that some guys at work were talking about it. Is it possible that this brunette wasn't mentioned? I doubt it.
I know I can't shield him from every beautiful or desirable woman in the world, but this is a very sensitive issue for me right now, and I need time for my heart to heal. Maybe if she was a sexy redhead or a blonde--but not, of all things, a brunette.
The mere thought fills me with horror that he'll start looking up sexy photos of her on the net, saving them to his harddrive, masturbating to the images and fantasizing about her.
But even if I could get past that and not dwell on these issues, there's another one.
Some of the reviews I've read about the movie say things like this: "This is NOT a family friendly movie. There is way too much female skin to warrant going to see this. It takes away fromt he movie. My husband and I both left the movie 30 minutes into it because of this. Pass on this one. Too bad...it was definitely a hopeful for me. Now I know Hollywood only cares about showing off skin and not having a good plot."
Besides the apparent over display of flesh and focus on the women, there's also supposed to be sexual issues in the film and crude remarks about masturbation.
That makes me wonder if a sexual addict should even see the film, sexy brunette or not, and it saddens me very much that the producers added sexual innuendo and some bimbos to draw in an audience. Was the movie so weak that that was necessary? Why couldn't they have kept this a family film that all could see?
It ticked me off, even before I discovered my husband's porn use, the way that Hollywood frequently displays women's bodies--especially their breasts--in order to sell tickets. I'm disgusted when I see something like that in a film. It's totally unnecessary and demeaning for women. It makes women mere sexual objects.
As for Megan Fox, after seeing some photos of her today, I'm not convinced that she really is that hot. Take a look at the photos in this blog, "Hollywood Rag." Not only does she have a very bad complexion, marred with acne, but she has buck teeth and very small, saggy breasts. What's more, she's aging terribly. She looks a good ten-years older than what she really is. She's only 20 years old!
Still, Hollywood knows how to hide such mars and make a woman look fabulous, and fill men's heads full of ideas that women should look perfect like that.
I keep putting off going to see this film, because I wonder if it's a good film for a sexual addict to see. Have you seen it? What do you think?
There are several issues at the core of my decision.
I'm afraid that I'll feel hurt about him watching the movie, which will start the fighting, suspicions, and accusations up all over again.
I know it sounds silly--it does even to me on some level, but there's supposedly a "hot" brunette in the film, Megan Fox, and knowing my husband's fascination with brunettes, who look much like her, the mere thought of going to see a film with one that lots of guys out there are talking about, bothers me deeply.
On some level, I wonder if that's the real reason why he wants to see the film. He'd mentioned that some guys at work were talking about it. Is it possible that this brunette wasn't mentioned? I doubt it.
I know I can't shield him from every beautiful or desirable woman in the world, but this is a very sensitive issue for me right now, and I need time for my heart to heal. Maybe if she was a sexy redhead or a blonde--but not, of all things, a brunette.
The mere thought fills me with horror that he'll start looking up sexy photos of her on the net, saving them to his harddrive, masturbating to the images and fantasizing about her.
But even if I could get past that and not dwell on these issues, there's another one.
Some of the reviews I've read about the movie say things like this: "This is NOT a family friendly movie. There is way too much female skin to warrant going to see this. It takes away fromt he movie. My husband and I both left the movie 30 minutes into it because of this. Pass on this one. Too bad...it was definitely a hopeful for me. Now I know Hollywood only cares about showing off skin and not having a good plot."
Besides the apparent over display of flesh and focus on the women, there's also supposed to be sexual issues in the film and crude remarks about masturbation.
That makes me wonder if a sexual addict should even see the film, sexy brunette or not, and it saddens me very much that the producers added sexual innuendo and some bimbos to draw in an audience. Was the movie so weak that that was necessary? Why couldn't they have kept this a family film that all could see?
It ticked me off, even before I discovered my husband's porn use, the way that Hollywood frequently displays women's bodies--especially their breasts--in order to sell tickets. I'm disgusted when I see something like that in a film. It's totally unnecessary and demeaning for women. It makes women mere sexual objects.
As for Megan Fox, after seeing some photos of her today, I'm not convinced that she really is that hot. Take a look at the photos in this blog, "Hollywood Rag." Not only does she have a very bad complexion, marred with acne, but she has buck teeth and very small, saggy breasts. What's more, she's aging terribly. She looks a good ten-years older than what she really is. She's only 20 years old!
Still, Hollywood knows how to hide such mars and make a woman look fabulous, and fill men's heads full of ideas that women should look perfect like that.
Tuesday, July 3, 2007
I'm Beautiful
They say that what goes around comes around, and perhaps that's true. My husband got a bit of the jealousy he'd instilled in me returned to him full force today on two unexpected occasions.
First of all, I was standing in the yard when a man drove by and spotted me. He was all eyes--and nearly hung out of the window to get a better glimpse. He came to an abrupt stop at the end of the street and backed all the way up until he was in front of my house in order to flirt and talk with me.
I smiled, said, "Hello," but didn't encourage him. But I was, nevertheless, flattered.
My husband wasn't with me at the time, but I told him about it on the way to the doctor's office today.
He didn't say much about it, but I don't think he liked it.
Did I want to make him jealous?
YES! I admit that I did.
We went for lunch after my appointment, and I noticed that the young cashier at Arbys was staring at me. We sat down and ate, and I returned to the counter a little later to order some sandwiches to take home to my sons. As I waited for the order, the cashier came over to me with a big smile, saying he wanted to "sing me a song." He sang parts of: "You're Beautiful," ending the song by telling me that I'm beautiful and that he wanted to see me smile.
That really made my day. Here I've been thinking that I'm 42, going downhill, overweight, and unable to compare to my husband's porn fantasy women with the mega breasts, and yet this young man, probably half my age, thought that I was not only beautiful but worthy of romance.
And, as a matter of fact, I don't recall any man ever singing to me.
Needless to say, my husband didn't like it. Unfortunately, he didn't witness it, and didn't hear the man's song (he sang quietly) while my husband remained seated in another part of the restaurant, but he saw the cashier smiling at me and the warm waves we exchanged on the way out and knew something was up.
He said: "What was that all about?" after we got into the van.
So I told him what had just happened and quoted the part of the lyrics the man sang. I wish I could remember them now, but the only thing that stands out in my mind is the "You're beautiful" part, because that's the part that moved me.
My husband acted strangely quiet all the way home and all afternoon until he went to work this evening. I'm not sure what's on his mind, but I bet it has something to do with that cashier at Arbys. The green monster must have caught up with him, and I love it.
Of course, I would never cheat, but I hope that my husband is spending the evening at work worried that the young man might have slipped a phone number in my hand. He deserves this kind of feeling after what he did to me.
I think it's true that God acts in mysterious ways. I don't think it's an accident that that particular cashier was on duty today. I think God wanted to lift my spirit and reassure me that I'm still a beautiful and worthy woman--despite the internal messages that my husband's porn use has planted in me--not to mention my husband's careless remark about me needing a boob job.
I'm feeling so lighthearted tonight...and...well...beautiful.
I just hope that the cashier doesn't get in trouble. The manager was standing behind the counter when he did this and I could tell by the expression on her face that she didn't like it one bit and was waiting for me to leave so that she could lay into him.
First of all, I was standing in the yard when a man drove by and spotted me. He was all eyes--and nearly hung out of the window to get a better glimpse. He came to an abrupt stop at the end of the street and backed all the way up until he was in front of my house in order to flirt and talk with me.
I smiled, said, "Hello," but didn't encourage him. But I was, nevertheless, flattered.
My husband wasn't with me at the time, but I told him about it on the way to the doctor's office today.
He didn't say much about it, but I don't think he liked it.
Did I want to make him jealous?
YES! I admit that I did.
We went for lunch after my appointment, and I noticed that the young cashier at Arbys was staring at me. We sat down and ate, and I returned to the counter a little later to order some sandwiches to take home to my sons. As I waited for the order, the cashier came over to me with a big smile, saying he wanted to "sing me a song." He sang parts of: "You're Beautiful," ending the song by telling me that I'm beautiful and that he wanted to see me smile.
That really made my day. Here I've been thinking that I'm 42, going downhill, overweight, and unable to compare to my husband's porn fantasy women with the mega breasts, and yet this young man, probably half my age, thought that I was not only beautiful but worthy of romance.
And, as a matter of fact, I don't recall any man ever singing to me.
Needless to say, my husband didn't like it. Unfortunately, he didn't witness it, and didn't hear the man's song (he sang quietly) while my husband remained seated in another part of the restaurant, but he saw the cashier smiling at me and the warm waves we exchanged on the way out and knew something was up.
He said: "What was that all about?" after we got into the van.
So I told him what had just happened and quoted the part of the lyrics the man sang. I wish I could remember them now, but the only thing that stands out in my mind is the "You're beautiful" part, because that's the part that moved me.
My husband acted strangely quiet all the way home and all afternoon until he went to work this evening. I'm not sure what's on his mind, but I bet it has something to do with that cashier at Arbys. The green monster must have caught up with him, and I love it.
Of course, I would never cheat, but I hope that my husband is spending the evening at work worried that the young man might have slipped a phone number in my hand. He deserves this kind of feeling after what he did to me.
I think it's true that God acts in mysterious ways. I don't think it's an accident that that particular cashier was on duty today. I think God wanted to lift my spirit and reassure me that I'm still a beautiful and worthy woman--despite the internal messages that my husband's porn use has planted in me--not to mention my husband's careless remark about me needing a boob job.
I'm feeling so lighthearted tonight...and...well...beautiful.
I just hope that the cashier doesn't get in trouble. The manager was standing behind the counter when he did this and I could tell by the expression on her face that she didn't like it one bit and was waiting for me to leave so that she could lay into him.
My Hormone Disorder--Fed Up with Doctors
I've mentioned that I have a severe hormone disorder, PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome and premature ovarian decline) which caused me to be very ill for many years, including depression, acne, weight gain, glucose intolerance, hypoglycemia, severe PMS symptoms which last most of the month, hot flashes, high blood pressure, irritable bowel syndrome, fatigue, abnormal bleeding/frequent periods, mood swings, and muscle pain--to name a few of the symptoms. It even took away my libido. I had no sex drive at all for years (which my husband claims is the reason he turned to porn). And if all of that isn't bad enough, the lining of my uterus started thinning out and inverting--called hyperplasia, a precursor to uterine cancer. After going to a whole series of incompetent doctors over the years and beginning to feel like there was little hope for improvement, I finally found a doctor who reluctantly, and only because I begged for it, put me on the combi-patch.
After six months there was improvement. After a year on the patch, I'm finally feeling much better all around. I'm rarely depressed now, my periods are more normal, my blood sugar is under control, my moods are more even, and my blood pressure is back to normal. I only have bad downs and muscle pain when I'm on my period (a time when estrogen takes a dive). I've lost 30 pounds so far. And when I started taking Claritin on top of the combi-patch, I got my sex drive back, which is wonderful.
So I went to the doctor today for another checkup and came away from it very upset. She admitted that I look much better and that she's amazed by the improvement. But, she kept going on about the risks of taking a hormone at my age (42) and asked what would happen if I took the patch every 4 days instead of every three.
I told her that would cause me to start a period. I know this, because occasionally, I'll forget to take it and I always start a period.
Nevertheless, she kept going on about reducing the patches and how I need to start weaning myself off of it, eventually only using one patch a week.
Why in the world would I want to go off of it and go back to the debilitating symptoms? It's totally insane that she'd even suggest it. I told her that I didn't wish to go off of it. That I want to remain on estrogen until the day I die.
She said: "Do you know about the risks of taking estrogen?"
I told her that I did, but that I disagree with all of the medical conjecture and hysteria floating around out there, that I'm a proponent of estrogen therapy and have researched it extensively and believe that there is little risk when bio-identical hormones are used. The risks that everyone hears about--how a study showed that hormones cause an increase in the chance of developing breast cancer, were on the pills created from horse urine. The studies were also conducted in Britain where woman are only required to have mammograms every 3 years (In the USA, it's recommended that woman have a mammogram every year.).
I'm also a big fan of Dr. Vliet and her studies about hormone therapy. She discusses the HRT hysteria on her website at herplace.com. This is the wisest doctor that I've ever encountered when it comes to anything involving hormone problems and treatment.
If you are a woman, you're missing out if you haven't read Dr. Vliet's books. I highly recommend this one: "It's My Ovaires, Stupid," which is also available on Amazon. If you think that doctors aren't treating your hormone problem adequately, check Vliet out, and you'll find the answers you've been looking for.
Anyway, I told the doctor that I'm much more concerned about the risks to my body from being estrogen deficient. We're taking heart disease, diabetes, and osteoporosis--not to mention premature aging. Have you ever seen those frail little old ladies out there with a big hump in their backs--the ones that seem to have extreme difficulty moving? They didn't take their estrogen.
No thanks! I don't want to be like that.
I also had an aunt who died at 58 from heart disease. She had the same medical condition that I have. Her PCOS eventually turned into diabetes. She wasn't given estrogen.
In fact, I'm convinced that women with PCOS will have severe cardiac problems if they don't have an adequate amount of estrogen.
Yes, there is a bit of a risk at my age, but I'm willing to take that risk than to live a miserable life. For God's sake, my life had become totally dysfunctional and unmanageable without these hormones. And for her to tell me that I should discontinue them is the same as a doctor telling a diabetic that they needed to be weaned off of insulin.
I'm so fed up with doctors. I feel that I know so much more about my hormones and my condition than they ever will--with the exception of a very few who are years ahead of their time like Dr. Vliet.
So the doctor I saw finally wrote me a script and told me to come back in a year. If she continues with this nonsense about reducing or quitting the hormones at that time, it looks like I'll either be doctor hunting again or purchasing my hormones illegally online. I will do whatever it takes to ensure my health and well-being. I don't want to go back to the basket case I used to be.
After six months there was improvement. After a year on the patch, I'm finally feeling much better all around. I'm rarely depressed now, my periods are more normal, my blood sugar is under control, my moods are more even, and my blood pressure is back to normal. I only have bad downs and muscle pain when I'm on my period (a time when estrogen takes a dive). I've lost 30 pounds so far. And when I started taking Claritin on top of the combi-patch, I got my sex drive back, which is wonderful.
So I went to the doctor today for another checkup and came away from it very upset. She admitted that I look much better and that she's amazed by the improvement. But, she kept going on about the risks of taking a hormone at my age (42) and asked what would happen if I took the patch every 4 days instead of every three.
I told her that would cause me to start a period. I know this, because occasionally, I'll forget to take it and I always start a period.
Nevertheless, she kept going on about reducing the patches and how I need to start weaning myself off of it, eventually only using one patch a week.
Why in the world would I want to go off of it and go back to the debilitating symptoms? It's totally insane that she'd even suggest it. I told her that I didn't wish to go off of it. That I want to remain on estrogen until the day I die.
She said: "Do you know about the risks of taking estrogen?"
I told her that I did, but that I disagree with all of the medical conjecture and hysteria floating around out there, that I'm a proponent of estrogen therapy and have researched it extensively and believe that there is little risk when bio-identical hormones are used. The risks that everyone hears about--how a study showed that hormones cause an increase in the chance of developing breast cancer, were on the pills created from horse urine. The studies were also conducted in Britain where woman are only required to have mammograms every 3 years (In the USA, it's recommended that woman have a mammogram every year.).
I'm also a big fan of Dr. Vliet and her studies about hormone therapy. She discusses the HRT hysteria on her website at herplace.com. This is the wisest doctor that I've ever encountered when it comes to anything involving hormone problems and treatment.
If you are a woman, you're missing out if you haven't read Dr. Vliet's books. I highly recommend this one: "It's My Ovaires, Stupid," which is also available on Amazon. If you think that doctors aren't treating your hormone problem adequately, check Vliet out, and you'll find the answers you've been looking for.
Anyway, I told the doctor that I'm much more concerned about the risks to my body from being estrogen deficient. We're taking heart disease, diabetes, and osteoporosis--not to mention premature aging. Have you ever seen those frail little old ladies out there with a big hump in their backs--the ones that seem to have extreme difficulty moving? They didn't take their estrogen.
No thanks! I don't want to be like that.
I also had an aunt who died at 58 from heart disease. She had the same medical condition that I have. Her PCOS eventually turned into diabetes. She wasn't given estrogen.
In fact, I'm convinced that women with PCOS will have severe cardiac problems if they don't have an adequate amount of estrogen.
Yes, there is a bit of a risk at my age, but I'm willing to take that risk than to live a miserable life. For God's sake, my life had become totally dysfunctional and unmanageable without these hormones. And for her to tell me that I should discontinue them is the same as a doctor telling a diabetic that they needed to be weaned off of insulin.
I'm so fed up with doctors. I feel that I know so much more about my hormones and my condition than they ever will--with the exception of a very few who are years ahead of their time like Dr. Vliet.
So the doctor I saw finally wrote me a script and told me to come back in a year. If she continues with this nonsense about reducing or quitting the hormones at that time, it looks like I'll either be doctor hunting again or purchasing my hormones illegally online. I will do whatever it takes to ensure my health and well-being. I don't want to go back to the basket case I used to be.
Monday, July 2, 2007
Romantic Weekend
We went to a pricey, upper class hotel this weekend--for a romantic night away from the kids. We were both miserable. The room wasn't what it was supposed to be, according to the ads. There was no large, Jacuzi tub, no DVD player, and it was next to the elevator so, we heard it rumble all night long. It never slowed down. On top of that, a drunk couple fought in the hall all evening until after 4 AM., and some drunk people from a wedding party made a lot of noise in the parking lot. We hardly got a wink of sleep. To make matters worse, someone stole our "Do Not Disturb" sign from the door, and the maid woke us up early in the morning.
We were so glad to get out of there.
What a disappointment!
While we were at the hotel, we encountered a few bikini clad teens in the hallway downstairs. I don't know if he was gawking at them or not. If he did, he was careful not to show it, but that horrible feeling of anxiety and pain overwhelmed me, which I tried not to show. When we were walking toward the hotel from the parking lot another time, I saw a young, long-haired brunette in a low cut, romantic dress. I think she was out of his view, but, again, I felt that sickening mix of pain and anxiety in the pit of my stomach. I'm viewing everyone through his eyes and wondering if he's fantasizing about them sexually. And I wish I knew some way to control this. I know this isn't normal. This is something that I need to talk to that counselor about.
What little I did sleep that night, I had nightmares about his porn use and about him having an affair with the brunette I'd seen at the hotel.
We went to lunch after we checked out the hotel, and there was dishwater blonde server who reminded me of the many dishwater blonde porn whores he was looking at, which brought the pain back to me all over again.
I mentioned these things to him after we got home, and, as always, he said that he wants me and only me. And I told him that if I can't get over things like this, and get past this pain, I know our marriage is doomed. I can't keep feeling this miserable all the time.
Anyway, some romantic weekend, huh?
We were so glad to get out of there.
What a disappointment!
While we were at the hotel, we encountered a few bikini clad teens in the hallway downstairs. I don't know if he was gawking at them or not. If he did, he was careful not to show it, but that horrible feeling of anxiety and pain overwhelmed me, which I tried not to show. When we were walking toward the hotel from the parking lot another time, I saw a young, long-haired brunette in a low cut, romantic dress. I think she was out of his view, but, again, I felt that sickening mix of pain and anxiety in the pit of my stomach. I'm viewing everyone through his eyes and wondering if he's fantasizing about them sexually. And I wish I knew some way to control this. I know this isn't normal. This is something that I need to talk to that counselor about.
What little I did sleep that night, I had nightmares about his porn use and about him having an affair with the brunette I'd seen at the hotel.
We went to lunch after we checked out the hotel, and there was dishwater blonde server who reminded me of the many dishwater blonde porn whores he was looking at, which brought the pain back to me all over again.
I mentioned these things to him after we got home, and, as always, he said that he wants me and only me. And I told him that if I can't get over things like this, and get past this pain, I know our marriage is doomed. I can't keep feeling this miserable all the time.
Anyway, some romantic weekend, huh?
Full Disclosure Needed
A couple of days ago, I talked to my husband about the need for full disclosure. I told him that he could read the long story that I sent to the psychologist. He didn't want to read it and it hurt me that he didn't (it still does). It makes it seem like he doesn't care. So I nevertheless told him the highlights, and I read the reply that the counselor gave me about the need for full disclosure and the 50% misery rule. I told him how lingering doubt will cause misery which will continue to ruin our marriage.
He still insists that he never had an affair. He also said that he will try to get his work logs from his previous job to show me that he worked all of that overtime. He claims it's not showing up on his pay stubs, because often he was often low work loaded (sometimes he was) and that he'd have to go over 40 hour a week in regular time before any overtime showed up on his pay stubs. It's true that the hours were crazy there. I distinctly remember that he got few hours around Christmas and even in January, which was hard on us around the holidays, and had to take a lot of PTO in order to get a decent pay check.
These unstable and crazy hours were the reason why he got a job elsewhere this spring.
Anyway, we'll see if he follows through on trying to get those work logs. I doubt he will or will come with some story why he couldn't.
Another thing that's really bothering me about all of this is that it seems like I'm the one who's doing all of the work here. Yes, he's spending a lot of time with me and trying to show me how much he loves me, but he has taken no effort to get help, or to even look into getting help, to understand his condition more, or to find evidence to refute that he had an affair.
He doesn't want me to meet the client he worked for many years who supposedly came on to him while he stayed there at night, and whom I felt he might have had an affair with. He got angry when I suggested that we drop by her house to say hello. He says it would be strange for him to show up there after not seeing the family for many years. Or maybe he's afraid that I'll discover the truth.
One thing that makes me even more suspicious about this is that the day after I mentioned this, several weeks ago, he was about an hour late from work. It makes me wonder if he dropped by her house to give her forewarning that I might show up at her door.
I don't know the answers to these questions about this woman and the extent of their relationship. I only know that there's lingering suspicion and we need to get rid of all lingering doubt as much as we possibly can. I really don't care if she perceives it as strange that we drop by. What does that matter? The only thing that matters is our marriage.
I honestly think that if he did cheat, he's never going to admit it in a zillion years, because he knows that I'll leave him if he did.
I'm trying to think of other ways to find out the truth. I'm thinking about calling the phone company to get a complete list of calls going out of the house for the past several years. I don't know if they'd give me such records or not.
He still insists that he never had an affair. He also said that he will try to get his work logs from his previous job to show me that he worked all of that overtime. He claims it's not showing up on his pay stubs, because often he was often low work loaded (sometimes he was) and that he'd have to go over 40 hour a week in regular time before any overtime showed up on his pay stubs. It's true that the hours were crazy there. I distinctly remember that he got few hours around Christmas and even in January, which was hard on us around the holidays, and had to take a lot of PTO in order to get a decent pay check.
These unstable and crazy hours were the reason why he got a job elsewhere this spring.
Anyway, we'll see if he follows through on trying to get those work logs. I doubt he will or will come with some story why he couldn't.
Another thing that's really bothering me about all of this is that it seems like I'm the one who's doing all of the work here. Yes, he's spending a lot of time with me and trying to show me how much he loves me, but he has taken no effort to get help, or to even look into getting help, to understand his condition more, or to find evidence to refute that he had an affair.
He doesn't want me to meet the client he worked for many years who supposedly came on to him while he stayed there at night, and whom I felt he might have had an affair with. He got angry when I suggested that we drop by her house to say hello. He says it would be strange for him to show up there after not seeing the family for many years. Or maybe he's afraid that I'll discover the truth.
One thing that makes me even more suspicious about this is that the day after I mentioned this, several weeks ago, he was about an hour late from work. It makes me wonder if he dropped by her house to give her forewarning that I might show up at her door.
I don't know the answers to these questions about this woman and the extent of their relationship. I only know that there's lingering suspicion and we need to get rid of all lingering doubt as much as we possibly can. I really don't care if she perceives it as strange that we drop by. What does that matter? The only thing that matters is our marriage.
I honestly think that if he did cheat, he's never going to admit it in a zillion years, because he knows that I'll leave him if he did.
I'm trying to think of other ways to find out the truth. I'm thinking about calling the phone company to get a complete list of calls going out of the house for the past several years. I don't know if they'd give me such records or not.
Friday, June 29, 2007
Advice of Counselor
In desperation, I hired an online counselor from Kasamba to help me deal with some of these issues. She will give me therapy via email for the next month--longer if I need it. I'd come to the realization that, besides jealousy over my husband's porn use, the main thing going on here for me is lingering suspicion that my husband had an affair and is a sexual addict who will continue to hurt me. I wrote a long description of all that has happened in my relationship, including my suspicions, and sent my story to her.
Here's what the psychologist said:
1. You need full disclosure from him otherwise your suspicions will continue to hurt both you and your marriage. Your husband will need to know that without full disclosure, your marriage will eventually fall apart. Does he want that? Phrasing it that way might help to get the information out of him. As for you consider this. Marriages fall apart when the miserable factor goes over 50%. That is when one or the other of the partners feels miserable over half the time. Without full disclosure, you will start feeling more and more miserable because of all the lies and mistrust.
Obviously, she believes that he did have an affair or affairs. I will tell him what she said and see if it loosens his tongue. However, I doubt it will.
2. One of the symptoms of a sexual addiction is frequent sex. An active sex life does not mean that all is well. It just is another symptom of your husband's sex addiction manifesting itself.
This is in response to my mention that our sex life has improved, because my hormone disorder is finally under control.
3. I strongly recommend for him some kind of sex addiction therapy. Patrick Carnes has some very good stuff. At the very least he should read "Out of the Shadows" by Patrick Carnes.
She must also believe that he is, indeed, a sexual addict. I'm going to pick up this book. I did buy and read, Out of the Shadows of the Net, but this one apparently focuses more on sexual addictions in general.
I too think that he needs therapy. I'm not sure how to get it for him. There are no SAA meetings in my area and no counselors who specialize in such disorders. He may have to get online counseling as well.
4. You might be helped by reading "Don't Call it Love" also by Patrick Carnes. I understand that you have done a lot of reading already however it has mostly been from the standpoint of understanding your husband's addiction. You could use some help as well in understanding what it means to live with one or at best a recovering one.
I'll pick this one up as well. I've read a lot of articles by Carnes, and he has certainly earned my respect.
Anyway, I have a lot of other issues that I need to address with this counselor, including one question that has plagued me--what's the underlying reason for his sexual addiction? Lust? Control? Intimacy issues?
I feel hopeful tonight, at least, because I feel that I took a step in the right direction.
Here's what the psychologist said:
1. You need full disclosure from him otherwise your suspicions will continue to hurt both you and your marriage. Your husband will need to know that without full disclosure, your marriage will eventually fall apart. Does he want that? Phrasing it that way might help to get the information out of him. As for you consider this. Marriages fall apart when the miserable factor goes over 50%. That is when one or the other of the partners feels miserable over half the time. Without full disclosure, you will start feeling more and more miserable because of all the lies and mistrust.
Obviously, she believes that he did have an affair or affairs. I will tell him what she said and see if it loosens his tongue. However, I doubt it will.
2. One of the symptoms of a sexual addiction is frequent sex. An active sex life does not mean that all is well. It just is another symptom of your husband's sex addiction manifesting itself.
This is in response to my mention that our sex life has improved, because my hormone disorder is finally under control.
3. I strongly recommend for him some kind of sex addiction therapy. Patrick Carnes has some very good stuff. At the very least he should read "Out of the Shadows" by Patrick Carnes.
She must also believe that he is, indeed, a sexual addict. I'm going to pick up this book. I did buy and read, Out of the Shadows of the Net, but this one apparently focuses more on sexual addictions in general.
I too think that he needs therapy. I'm not sure how to get it for him. There are no SAA meetings in my area and no counselors who specialize in such disorders. He may have to get online counseling as well.
4. You might be helped by reading "Don't Call it Love" also by Patrick Carnes. I understand that you have done a lot of reading already however it has mostly been from the standpoint of understanding your husband's addiction. You could use some help as well in understanding what it means to live with one or at best a recovering one.
I'll pick this one up as well. I've read a lot of articles by Carnes, and he has certainly earned my respect.
Anyway, I have a lot of other issues that I need to address with this counselor, including one question that has plagued me--what's the underlying reason for his sexual addiction? Lust? Control? Intimacy issues?
I feel hopeful tonight, at least, because I feel that I took a step in the right direction.
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Writing4Healing
I started this blog because I thought it would be therapeutic and help me explore my thoughts and the range of emotions I've been feeling after discovering my husband's porn addiction. It does seem to help a lot.
Today, I found a similar therapy that may be helpful when I landed on a site called writing4healing. The therapy involves writing down thoughts and feelings that a professional reads. The professional also gives you exercises to help explore the trauma and bring about healing. Would such therapy work? I don't know, but I'm thinking about trying it. It appeals to me, as I hate the idea of having to visit a therapist and can do this on my own time and space.
The problem is that there appears to be a waiting list. If I signed up today, I'd have to wait until July 30th to begin therapy.
Still, I wrote to them requesting more information.
And I wanted to share this therapy idea with others who may find it useful. Here's the URL:
Writing4Healing.
Today, I found a similar therapy that may be helpful when I landed on a site called writing4healing. The therapy involves writing down thoughts and feelings that a professional reads. The professional also gives you exercises to help explore the trauma and bring about healing. Would such therapy work? I don't know, but I'm thinking about trying it. It appeals to me, as I hate the idea of having to visit a therapist and can do this on my own time and space.
The problem is that there appears to be a waiting list. If I signed up today, I'd have to wait until July 30th to begin therapy.
Still, I wrote to them requesting more information.
And I wanted to share this therapy idea with others who may find it useful. Here's the URL:
Writing4Healing.
Mid-life Crisis?
I got back in touch with my best friend a few days ago. I'd been avoiding her, because I didn't want to lay the heavy weight of my marital problems on her, and because she'd undermined the depth of the problem, though not my pain, when I'd mentioned my husband's porn use to her a couple of months ago.
But I value her friendship and wanted to make sure she knows that I'm just going through something right now, so I wrote her a letter, explaining that I've been quiet because I've suffered terrible grief these past few weeks, and I'm just not myself right now.
I got a letter back from her that was kind and sympathetic, like usual, but she attributed my husband's porn and dating site use to a "mid-life crisis," and told me that I should go ahead and get a puppy, that maybe that's what I need right now.
I'd found a pug puppy a few months ago and fell in love with it, but the owner claimed it. I've thought about getting a pug ever since and probably will eventually. But this is a horrible time to get a puppy. I would be a terrible mother to it, because I'm too stressed out right now and my thoughts are elsewhere. I already have three dogs, and, though I take good care of them, I feel that I'm not giving them as much attention as I usually give them as I'm so distracted, and sometimes I'm low on patience with them.
Can you imagine how awful it would be if I brought a demanding puppy into the scenario right now? The stress level would go through the roof.
And though I honestly believe that some men do suffer from a mid-life crisis or male menopause due to hormone problems, there's no doubt in my mind that this is not responsible for my husband's porn use and sexual acting out as he has been doing this for at least 7 years, starting when he was 39, a little young for a full blown mid-life crisis . Plus, he has none of the other major symptoms, such as becoming obsessed with the way he looks or dresses, buying sports cars, and ruing what he didn't accomplish in life. He does, however, occasionally mention that he's not as physically fit as he used to be and can no longer jog, but I still think that's a long way from the turmoil defined as a mid-life crisis.
Here's some info on a mid-life crisis on wikipedia.
I believe that my husband's porn/sexual addiction comes from some warped sense that he needs to collect and acquire women. Why does he have this need? I don't know. I'm still struggling to answer such a question. It could be a control issue, an intimacy issue, or something else.
But I think my friend is way off in claiming it's all due to a mid-life crisis. I'm not angry over her assertions. She's probably just at a loss as to what to say and is trying to offer up some reassuring words. And though it's good to know she's there, such statements don't help me at all.
So, I'm sitting here wondering how I should respond to her letter without giving her a lesson in what a sexual or porn addiction is (I tried that a bit a few weeks ago but didn't get through to her) and without coming off as defensive. I also don't want to pretend that everything is okay right now and that I'm happy. This is exactly why I've been avoiding her. It's easier to be quiet than to try and explain.
But I value her friendship and wanted to make sure she knows that I'm just going through something right now, so I wrote her a letter, explaining that I've been quiet because I've suffered terrible grief these past few weeks, and I'm just not myself right now.
I got a letter back from her that was kind and sympathetic, like usual, but she attributed my husband's porn and dating site use to a "mid-life crisis," and told me that I should go ahead and get a puppy, that maybe that's what I need right now.
I'd found a pug puppy a few months ago and fell in love with it, but the owner claimed it. I've thought about getting a pug ever since and probably will eventually. But this is a horrible time to get a puppy. I would be a terrible mother to it, because I'm too stressed out right now and my thoughts are elsewhere. I already have three dogs, and, though I take good care of them, I feel that I'm not giving them as much attention as I usually give them as I'm so distracted, and sometimes I'm low on patience with them.
Can you imagine how awful it would be if I brought a demanding puppy into the scenario right now? The stress level would go through the roof.
And though I honestly believe that some men do suffer from a mid-life crisis or male menopause due to hormone problems, there's no doubt in my mind that this is not responsible for my husband's porn use and sexual acting out as he has been doing this for at least 7 years, starting when he was 39, a little young for a full blown mid-life crisis . Plus, he has none of the other major symptoms, such as becoming obsessed with the way he looks or dresses, buying sports cars, and ruing what he didn't accomplish in life. He does, however, occasionally mention that he's not as physically fit as he used to be and can no longer jog, but I still think that's a long way from the turmoil defined as a mid-life crisis.
Here's some info on a mid-life crisis on wikipedia.
I believe that my husband's porn/sexual addiction comes from some warped sense that he needs to collect and acquire women. Why does he have this need? I don't know. I'm still struggling to answer such a question. It could be a control issue, an intimacy issue, or something else.
But I think my friend is way off in claiming it's all due to a mid-life crisis. I'm not angry over her assertions. She's probably just at a loss as to what to say and is trying to offer up some reassuring words. And though it's good to know she's there, such statements don't help me at all.
So, I'm sitting here wondering how I should respond to her letter without giving her a lesson in what a sexual or porn addiction is (I tried that a bit a few weeks ago but didn't get through to her) and without coming off as defensive. I also don't want to pretend that everything is okay right now and that I'm happy. This is exactly why I've been avoiding her. It's easier to be quiet than to try and explain.
Collecting Names and Phone Numbers
After a couple of "good" days, my husband and I had an argument. I'd discovered an address book data file from an old Palm he had which listed 8 women he'd worked with and/or went to school with along with their home phone numbers and addresses. He also has a black address book with 14 more women in it.
I confronted him with this find this morning when he got home, and he reacted angrily about it, making it look all the more suspicious. According to many sources I've read on extramarital affairs, anger is a typical reaction when a guilty party is accused. He also said that he must be a fool, because, after 12 hours working on a very stressful job, he was looking forward to coming home to me and yet all I do each time is lay a bunch of crap on him.
I'm all the angrier and suspicious about his reaction. Besides the fact that he acted disrespectful to me this morning and undermined my pain, he needs to be extra caring and considerate to me about my concerns after the things I've discovered about him during the past few weeks. I'm on the verge of leaving and/or divorcing him due to his sexual behavior, and he needs to reassure me--not snap at me for my suspicions. He also needs to be willing to listen to my concerns and answer my questions honestly and patiently.
Instead, I feel that he's growing weary of the pain and confusion I'm feeling, and I'm growing more bitter. I reminded him that he's the one who caused this by hiding the porn and lying to me for 7 years--that it makes everything he has done for the past 7 years suspicious. He didn't have much to say about that. I told him that if he couldn't handle the consequences of what he did then to get out.
Yes, I sometimes lay into him when he comes home from work, but he works 12 hour night shifts and sleeps when he comes home only to get up and do the same. It makes me feel like I have to quickly slip the heavy issues in during that tiny frame of time in between. And to make matters worse, he's having to attend many work related classes right now in order to keep up his required certifications.
His job has been very difficult for both us during the past two months with these heavy issues going on. But what can we do? Someone has to pay the bills. He can't take vacation time or anything of the like right now, because he's new and hasn't built up vacation time yet. So, all we can do is work on these issues when we can. At least, with the 12 hour shifts, he usually has 3 days off of work a week.
As for the names and phone numbers, he claims that he only collected them for job references. I don't believe that. Why in the world would anyone need the names of 22 women for job references? Maybe I could have believed that if he had 3 or 4 listed. It looked more to me like he was trying to collect and acquire women, the way that he collected and acquired women with his porn use and it reeks of the sexual addiction that he denies he has.
And after our argument this morning, I feel no better about any of it. In fact, I feel much worse. Yet, he's going to get up in 3 hours and go back to work, and I won't see him until tomorrow morning--when he's tired and stressed out.
I confronted him with this find this morning when he got home, and he reacted angrily about it, making it look all the more suspicious. According to many sources I've read on extramarital affairs, anger is a typical reaction when a guilty party is accused. He also said that he must be a fool, because, after 12 hours working on a very stressful job, he was looking forward to coming home to me and yet all I do each time is lay a bunch of crap on him.
I'm all the angrier and suspicious about his reaction. Besides the fact that he acted disrespectful to me this morning and undermined my pain, he needs to be extra caring and considerate to me about my concerns after the things I've discovered about him during the past few weeks. I'm on the verge of leaving and/or divorcing him due to his sexual behavior, and he needs to reassure me--not snap at me for my suspicions. He also needs to be willing to listen to my concerns and answer my questions honestly and patiently.
Instead, I feel that he's growing weary of the pain and confusion I'm feeling, and I'm growing more bitter. I reminded him that he's the one who caused this by hiding the porn and lying to me for 7 years--that it makes everything he has done for the past 7 years suspicious. He didn't have much to say about that. I told him that if he couldn't handle the consequences of what he did then to get out.
Yes, I sometimes lay into him when he comes home from work, but he works 12 hour night shifts and sleeps when he comes home only to get up and do the same. It makes me feel like I have to quickly slip the heavy issues in during that tiny frame of time in between. And to make matters worse, he's having to attend many work related classes right now in order to keep up his required certifications.
His job has been very difficult for both us during the past two months with these heavy issues going on. But what can we do? Someone has to pay the bills. He can't take vacation time or anything of the like right now, because he's new and hasn't built up vacation time yet. So, all we can do is work on these issues when we can. At least, with the 12 hour shifts, he usually has 3 days off of work a week.
As for the names and phone numbers, he claims that he only collected them for job references. I don't believe that. Why in the world would anyone need the names of 22 women for job references? Maybe I could have believed that if he had 3 or 4 listed. It looked more to me like he was trying to collect and acquire women, the way that he collected and acquired women with his porn use and it reeks of the sexual addiction that he denies he has.
And after our argument this morning, I feel no better about any of it. In fact, I feel much worse. Yet, he's going to get up in 3 hours and go back to work, and I won't see him until tomorrow morning--when he's tired and stressed out.
Monday, June 25, 2007
Ex-Porn Star Teacher
I found an interesting article on the Phil Show website about a high school teacher named Tericka who was dismissed from her job after school administrators learned that she was an ex-porn star. One of the students recognized her in a porn film and passed the film around to other students until it circulated around the school.
Eventually, a school staff member took the film from a student, and it was viewed by school staff. After the staff consulted with the Board of Education, the teacher was subsequently removed from her job, suspended with pay until the end of her contract date; however, her contract was not renewed.
She says that the school did not cite a problem with her job performance but it was a problem with what she did in her past. Another teacher at that school who is also a father of boys, said this is a "moral issue" and that she should not be teaching in "a classroom with hormonal boys."
But is this a fair judgment?
When Tericka worked in the porn industry, she was 22-years old, single, homeless, and had two children to care for. She also suffered from bipolar depression, but was not under treatment. She said she was "desperate for money and needed to support her kids." She met some strippers who showed her that making porn was one way to make some easy money. She said she was drinking alcohol and consented to being paid to be in some porn movies.
Later, she tried to find different employment and sought a different path in life. She entered college and earned a bachelors degree in education. Somewhere along the way she “found God.” She also stopped drinking and got treatment for her bipolar depression.
She was hired by a public high school in Kentucky and had positive performance reviews. She was working on her Masters in Education when the student found the movie that had been filmed 11 years earlier.
She clearly regretted what she'd done, and had succeeded in turning her life around, so should she be banned from teaching? Do we have a right to judge her?
Should a teacher be held to a high moral standard?
This is a difficult question. On one hand, it's great that she managed to change her life so drastically, but, on the other, kids look up to teachers. Teachers are major role models. Would you want an ex-porn star teaching your children?
When I first published this article, I'd said that I wouldn't want her teaching my teenage kids (at least after the cat is out of the bag about what she did) and someone wrote to me and said: "Who are you to judge? Haven't you ever made mistakes?" Yes, I've made mistakes, but I would never have worked in the porn industry for any reason whatsoever. And who am I to judge? Someone who has been terribly hurt by porn both as an adult and as a child. I was sexually abused due to a cousin's porn use when I was a child.
Still, it's true though that due to all that has happened to me, I can't judge this situation objectively.
Also, never was I judging this teacher, only the effect that her past could have on her students.
Eventually, a school staff member took the film from a student, and it was viewed by school staff. After the staff consulted with the Board of Education, the teacher was subsequently removed from her job, suspended with pay until the end of her contract date; however, her contract was not renewed.
She says that the school did not cite a problem with her job performance but it was a problem with what she did in her past. Another teacher at that school who is also a father of boys, said this is a "moral issue" and that she should not be teaching in "a classroom with hormonal boys."
But is this a fair judgment?
When Tericka worked in the porn industry, she was 22-years old, single, homeless, and had two children to care for. She also suffered from bipolar depression, but was not under treatment. She said she was "desperate for money and needed to support her kids." She met some strippers who showed her that making porn was one way to make some easy money. She said she was drinking alcohol and consented to being paid to be in some porn movies.
Later, she tried to find different employment and sought a different path in life. She entered college and earned a bachelors degree in education. Somewhere along the way she “found God.” She also stopped drinking and got treatment for her bipolar depression.
She was hired by a public high school in Kentucky and had positive performance reviews. She was working on her Masters in Education when the student found the movie that had been filmed 11 years earlier.
She clearly regretted what she'd done, and had succeeded in turning her life around, so should she be banned from teaching? Do we have a right to judge her?
Should a teacher be held to a high moral standard?
This is a difficult question. On one hand, it's great that she managed to change her life so drastically, but, on the other, kids look up to teachers. Teachers are major role models. Would you want an ex-porn star teaching your children?
When I first published this article, I'd said that I wouldn't want her teaching my teenage kids (at least after the cat is out of the bag about what she did) and someone wrote to me and said: "Who are you to judge? Haven't you ever made mistakes?" Yes, I've made mistakes, but I would never have worked in the porn industry for any reason whatsoever. And who am I to judge? Someone who has been terribly hurt by porn both as an adult and as a child. I was sexually abused due to a cousin's porn use when I was a child.
Still, it's true though that due to all that has happened to me, I can't judge this situation objectively.
Also, never was I judging this teacher, only the effect that her past could have on her students.
His Motives
We had another fight yesterday and I got a lot of angst out. My husband reassured me again that he loves me and only me and wants me and only me. He told me that those other women couldn't compare and that he was only using the images to masturbate to for visual stimulation at a time when we weren't having sex much. He added that they look similar to me (I admit that they do--at least most of them do when I had dark hair) because in a way he was trying to replace me. He told me that he really felt like he didn't have a wife anymore, that I was always turning away from him even if he wanted a kiss or a hug, and, besides sex, his need for intimacy wasn't being met. It's true. I did do that. And I recognize that now. I really didn't spend enough time with him or focus on his needs. My main focus became my work as we have huge debts, including a scary IRS debt, and I was trying to rescue us from total financial ruin.
He also said that he has no desire for other women or desire to return to the porn and will never look at it again. Indeed, he hasn't touched it for nearly 8 weeks now. Is that possible for someone who's truly addicted? And once again, he told me that he has never had an affair and never will, that he thinks it's wrong.
Is he just telling me what I want to hear?
I don't know--probably to some degree, but I did come away from it all, wondering if I'm not building some of what my husband did up in my head way too much, because I'm so hurt and jealous. Yes, looking at the porn behind my back was wrong, but we weren't having much sex over a period of several years due to my hormone problem and heavy workload. It's true that he would have had to do something to satisfy his needs. Yes, he should have worked on the problems we were having in our marriage instead. Yes, he should have communicated with me and told me that our sex life wasn't meeting his needs, and he should never have hidden the porn from me all of that time.
All that he said doesn't excuse what he did. It was still wrong, and I still hurt from it, but perhaps he's not as obsessed with other women or porn as I think.
I've been upset in thinking that he's always checking out other women. He had admitted that he sometimes does this, but perhaps I've built that up in my head too. Maybe he wasn't checking out those teens at the video store with sexual interest. I realize that sometimes I look at other people too--not because I'm interested in them sexually, but because something about them or what they're wearing interests me or maybe they'll remind me of someone, and I can't figure out who.
And perhaps he never had an affair. Sometimes things can look one way and be a totally different way. And perhaps he never intended on having an affair. I don't know. I guess I have no choice but to give him the benefit of a doubt until any solid physical evidence appears.
Yes, I will continue to hurt and grieve over what he did, probably for a long, long time, despite the reasons, but I need to remind myself too that he does love me and is sorry about what he did. Afterall, he has spent the past 8 weeks focusing solely on me and trying to make amends. And I need to give him the benefit of a doubt about what all he did and try not jump to conclusions.
I realize that when it all comes down to it, only time will tell if he's being honest and whether the porn problem remains. Actions truly do speak louder than words.
He also said that he has no desire for other women or desire to return to the porn and will never look at it again. Indeed, he hasn't touched it for nearly 8 weeks now. Is that possible for someone who's truly addicted? And once again, he told me that he has never had an affair and never will, that he thinks it's wrong.
Is he just telling me what I want to hear?
I don't know--probably to some degree, but I did come away from it all, wondering if I'm not building some of what my husband did up in my head way too much, because I'm so hurt and jealous. Yes, looking at the porn behind my back was wrong, but we weren't having much sex over a period of several years due to my hormone problem and heavy workload. It's true that he would have had to do something to satisfy his needs. Yes, he should have worked on the problems we were having in our marriage instead. Yes, he should have communicated with me and told me that our sex life wasn't meeting his needs, and he should never have hidden the porn from me all of that time.
All that he said doesn't excuse what he did. It was still wrong, and I still hurt from it, but perhaps he's not as obsessed with other women or porn as I think.
I've been upset in thinking that he's always checking out other women. He had admitted that he sometimes does this, but perhaps I've built that up in my head too. Maybe he wasn't checking out those teens at the video store with sexual interest. I realize that sometimes I look at other people too--not because I'm interested in them sexually, but because something about them or what they're wearing interests me or maybe they'll remind me of someone, and I can't figure out who.
And perhaps he never had an affair. Sometimes things can look one way and be a totally different way. And perhaps he never intended on having an affair. I don't know. I guess I have no choice but to give him the benefit of a doubt until any solid physical evidence appears.
Yes, I will continue to hurt and grieve over what he did, probably for a long, long time, despite the reasons, but I need to remind myself too that he does love me and is sorry about what he did. Afterall, he has spent the past 8 weeks focusing solely on me and trying to make amends. And I need to give him the benefit of a doubt about what all he did and try not jump to conclusions.
I realize that when it all comes down to it, only time will tell if he's being honest and whether the porn problem remains. Actions truly do speak louder than words.
Sunday, June 24, 2007
A Need to Collect Porn
One of the issues that hurts me deeply about my husband's porn use is that he felt a need to collect it as if it was precious to him. I've gone over and over this in my head, asking myself why he felt a need to collect it, but I come up blank.
I've asked him why he collected it, and he says that he doesn't know.
Of course, some would say that it was a compulsion built on addiction, but I don't think that fully explains it.
Then I landed on an article in Hugo Schwyzer's blog, which is enlightening. He says that men build porn collections: "for the thrill of acquiring so many women."
I can't even begin to describe the pain that fills my heart to know that, in my husband's mind, he was "acquiring" these women, but it must be the way of it. It makes sense. That's why he had to keep each and every picture that turned him on.
I also agree with something else that Hugo says about porn users.
"Ultimately, the great tragedy of porn is that it teaches the men who use it to pursue "everlasting novelty." Ask any man who uses porn -- does he want to see the same pictures over and over again of the same women? No. If looking at one beautiful naked woman was enough, Playboy could put out one issue a decade. Internet porn sites could update annually instead of daily. But as most porn users admit, what was an intense turn-on the first time quickly becomes stale and boring. The seductiveness of internet porn in particular is that some brand new woman, one you've never seen before, is just one or two clicks away on your computer. "
This could explain my husband's desire to gawk at other women while we're out, as I mentioned in my last post. Yes, he used to do it occasionally, but not as much as he does now. Internet porn opened his mind to the novelty of other women. I'm certain of it. I've felt this deep down all along since I discovered his porn use. Porn caused permanent damage to his whole way of thinking about women--not only in regards to novelty but in other negative ways as well. The novelty aspect is one of the things that damaged our relationship and will continue to damage our relationship and is one of the reasons why I'll never be able to fully trust him again. In my mind, he's still on the hunt for other women to acquire--even if only mentally.
The mere thought of my husband wanting to acquire other women makes me wants to head straight to a divorce attorney.
Some would say that a desire for novelty is only natural, but I'll never agree with that. What about self-control, morals, and love for another? I feel that those things should quell any urge for novelty. Hugo has some wisdom to share about that too.
"Lots of things are natural -- and natural is not, despite the claim of some health food stores, invariably a synonym for 'good.' It's natural for us to defecate on ourselves; using the toilet is a learned behavior that involves controlling an instinctive urge. I think we're all deeply grateful to have learned to control this natural instinct."
I've asked him why he collected it, and he says that he doesn't know.
Of course, some would say that it was a compulsion built on addiction, but I don't think that fully explains it.
Then I landed on an article in Hugo Schwyzer's blog, which is enlightening. He says that men build porn collections: "for the thrill of acquiring so many women."
I can't even begin to describe the pain that fills my heart to know that, in my husband's mind, he was "acquiring" these women, but it must be the way of it. It makes sense. That's why he had to keep each and every picture that turned him on.
I also agree with something else that Hugo says about porn users.
"Ultimately, the great tragedy of porn is that it teaches the men who use it to pursue "everlasting novelty." Ask any man who uses porn -- does he want to see the same pictures over and over again of the same women? No. If looking at one beautiful naked woman was enough, Playboy could put out one issue a decade. Internet porn sites could update annually instead of daily. But as most porn users admit, what was an intense turn-on the first time quickly becomes stale and boring. The seductiveness of internet porn in particular is that some brand new woman, one you've never seen before, is just one or two clicks away on your computer. "
This could explain my husband's desire to gawk at other women while we're out, as I mentioned in my last post. Yes, he used to do it occasionally, but not as much as he does now. Internet porn opened his mind to the novelty of other women. I'm certain of it. I've felt this deep down all along since I discovered his porn use. Porn caused permanent damage to his whole way of thinking about women--not only in regards to novelty but in other negative ways as well. The novelty aspect is one of the things that damaged our relationship and will continue to damage our relationship and is one of the reasons why I'll never be able to fully trust him again. In my mind, he's still on the hunt for other women to acquire--even if only mentally.
The mere thought of my husband wanting to acquire other women makes me wants to head straight to a divorce attorney.
Some would say that a desire for novelty is only natural, but I'll never agree with that. What about self-control, morals, and love for another? I feel that those things should quell any urge for novelty. Hugo has some wisdom to share about that too.
"Lots of things are natural -- and natural is not, despite the claim of some health food stores, invariably a synonym for 'good.' It's natural for us to defecate on ourselves; using the toilet is a learned behavior that involves controlling an instinctive urge. I think we're all deeply grateful to have learned to control this natural instinct."
Anorexic Teens
I'm grieving this morning for something that I feel was lost between me and my husband--a special kind of oneness that no longer exists, a way that he used to look at me and had no interest in anyone else. I couldn't sleep again, because my heart was so heavy. I can't stop thinking about my husband and his obsession with other women. The whole notion causes me terrible pain, and I can't seem to get over that, regardless of how sorry he is or how tender and caring he treats me.
Will it take time to get over this pain and feeling of betrayal or is this the way it's going to be from here on? Can I get past it or will a divorce be necessary?
Such questions torture me.
We went to the video store last night, and I noticed that he was looking at a tall, anorexic teen with interest. I've noticed him looking at ultra thin teens a few times lately. What is his fascination with them? Do they remind him of the anorexic porn women he was looking at all of those years?
It must be the porn. He never used to do this or seemed to have any interest in teens. This causes me a lot of inner confusion and turmoil, because he still insists that he doesn't want me that thin. Apparently, he does like women "that" thin.
It also causes me a lot of hurt, because I'm 42 and can never be that young again--so there's no possible way that I can compete with a teen. Still, I think I'm beautiful and I think I look better than those anorexic teens he's so fascinated with.
Sometimes, I want to wallop him over the head and say: "What in the hell is wrong with you? Where did your good sense and morals go?"
While we were at the video store, I pointed out a picture on the DVD set, Desperate Housewives, starring Eva Langoria, and asked him if he rememered her now? He denied that he did.
Such a liar! He'd saved her to her own folder by name.
But then again, I admit, most of the brunette photos that he'd saved to his harddrive looked much alike.
Just thinking about it, and about him, disgusts me.
Will it take time to get over this pain and feeling of betrayal or is this the way it's going to be from here on? Can I get past it or will a divorce be necessary?
Such questions torture me.
We went to the video store last night, and I noticed that he was looking at a tall, anorexic teen with interest. I've noticed him looking at ultra thin teens a few times lately. What is his fascination with them? Do they remind him of the anorexic porn women he was looking at all of those years?
It must be the porn. He never used to do this or seemed to have any interest in teens. This causes me a lot of inner confusion and turmoil, because he still insists that he doesn't want me that thin. Apparently, he does like women "that" thin.
It also causes me a lot of hurt, because I'm 42 and can never be that young again--so there's no possible way that I can compete with a teen. Still, I think I'm beautiful and I think I look better than those anorexic teens he's so fascinated with.
Sometimes, I want to wallop him over the head and say: "What in the hell is wrong with you? Where did your good sense and morals go?"
While we were at the video store, I pointed out a picture on the DVD set, Desperate Housewives, starring Eva Langoria, and asked him if he rememered her now? He denied that he did.
Such a liar! He'd saved her to her own folder by name.
But then again, I admit, most of the brunette photos that he'd saved to his harddrive looked much alike.
Just thinking about it, and about him, disgusts me.
Saturday, June 23, 2007
Dissecting His Reactions
I was upset about Eva Langoria a few days ago, but my husband claims that he can't even remember who she is.
I bet!
He had over 100 photos of her saved on his harddrive.
We got past that--sort of--with me shoving the thought down deep. And we've gotten along fairly well since. Tonight, he's at work, and as I write this post, my heart is heavy. Like usual, when I'm alone, thoughts of what he did rises to the top of my mind and torments me.
Earlier today, we'd gone to a restaurant for lunch and somewhere during our conversation his previous job came up, and he mentioned that he'd kept a spare pair of scrubs in his work locker. This immediately struck me as suspicious as it was the time period in which I believe he had an affair. He has never kept a spare set of clothes at work. So obviously, this could have been a means for him to change out of clothes that held some evidence of the affair.
I'd had a dream a few days ago in which I saw him drive down a long, tree-lined, country road near the hospital where he works (I wasn't familiar with this road). There was a woman in the van, a brunette with short hair. She wore a white shirt. There was a tower-like object on the right side of the road. He drove a ways and then pulled off to the left to a secluded parking area and had sex with the woman. I've thought, ever since, that something was showing me what he did as I sometimes have "revealing" dreams that prove to be accurate. Of course, I have no intention of finding him guilty as charged based on a dream, but to me, it adds to my suspicion.
So after lunch today--and the suspicious comment about the spare clothes, I had him take me down such a road near the hospital where he works so that I could see whether or not it fit the dream. It did. It's a long road with a tall tower-like structure on the right and there was a place on the left where one could pull off for privacy. The area is less than 5 minutes away from the hospital where my husband works.
Still, it's only a suspicion. No proof by any means. If I ever saw that woman in life, however, I'd certainly recognize her.
After we went there, he was a bit angry, insisting, as he always does, that he didn't have an affair, but I told him that I have good reason to be suspicious after what he did. He agreed, but still denied that he had an affair.
And when we got home, he acted strangely quiet. We went upstairs and got in bed. He held me, saying he was sorry.
"For what?" I asked, wondering if he was about to confess.
"For all I did," he said.
"The porn use?"
"Yes."
"And?" I asked, still hoping for a confession.
"For hurting your trust," he said.
"Anything else?"
"No," he said. "I didn't have an affair."
"A one-night stand then?"
"No," he said.
"It's not like you'd tell me if you did."
"Yes I would," he said.
"No, you wouldn't," I said, "because you're afraid of losing me."
He said: "Yes. I am afraid of losing you."
I told him that if he did have an affair that I'd find out eventually, that people talk, and I know people who work at the hospital, and word would eventually get back to me.
To this, he said nothing.
Anyway, tonight, I'm struggling not only with his porn use but also with this issue. I'm dissecting his reactions today about the possible affair, skimming days past and hoping to find a clue, but I'm still confused and uncertain.
I bet!
He had over 100 photos of her saved on his harddrive.
We got past that--sort of--with me shoving the thought down deep. And we've gotten along fairly well since. Tonight, he's at work, and as I write this post, my heart is heavy. Like usual, when I'm alone, thoughts of what he did rises to the top of my mind and torments me.
Earlier today, we'd gone to a restaurant for lunch and somewhere during our conversation his previous job came up, and he mentioned that he'd kept a spare pair of scrubs in his work locker. This immediately struck me as suspicious as it was the time period in which I believe he had an affair. He has never kept a spare set of clothes at work. So obviously, this could have been a means for him to change out of clothes that held some evidence of the affair.
I'd had a dream a few days ago in which I saw him drive down a long, tree-lined, country road near the hospital where he works (I wasn't familiar with this road). There was a woman in the van, a brunette with short hair. She wore a white shirt. There was a tower-like object on the right side of the road. He drove a ways and then pulled off to the left to a secluded parking area and had sex with the woman. I've thought, ever since, that something was showing me what he did as I sometimes have "revealing" dreams that prove to be accurate. Of course, I have no intention of finding him guilty as charged based on a dream, but to me, it adds to my suspicion.
So after lunch today--and the suspicious comment about the spare clothes, I had him take me down such a road near the hospital where he works so that I could see whether or not it fit the dream. It did. It's a long road with a tall tower-like structure on the right and there was a place on the left where one could pull off for privacy. The area is less than 5 minutes away from the hospital where my husband works.
Still, it's only a suspicion. No proof by any means. If I ever saw that woman in life, however, I'd certainly recognize her.
After we went there, he was a bit angry, insisting, as he always does, that he didn't have an affair, but I told him that I have good reason to be suspicious after what he did. He agreed, but still denied that he had an affair.
And when we got home, he acted strangely quiet. We went upstairs and got in bed. He held me, saying he was sorry.
"For what?" I asked, wondering if he was about to confess.
"For all I did," he said.
"The porn use?"
"Yes."
"And?" I asked, still hoping for a confession.
"For hurting your trust," he said.
"Anything else?"
"No," he said. "I didn't have an affair."
"A one-night stand then?"
"No," he said.
"It's not like you'd tell me if you did."
"Yes I would," he said.
"No, you wouldn't," I said, "because you're afraid of losing me."
He said: "Yes. I am afraid of losing you."
I told him that if he did have an affair that I'd find out eventually, that people talk, and I know people who work at the hospital, and word would eventually get back to me.
To this, he said nothing.
Anyway, tonight, I'm struggling not only with his porn use but also with this issue. I'm dissecting his reactions today about the possible affair, skimming days past and hoping to find a clue, but I'm still confused and uncertain.
Thursday, June 21, 2007
Confusion and Insecurity
I'm struggling with thoughts of Eva Langoria today. My husband had over 140 sexy photos of her on his computer. He had numerous photos of many other sexy celebrities as well, but for some reason, Langoria sticks out in my mind today, probably because we saw a movie, HollywoodLand, last night and there was a dark-haired, Latino-looking woman in it, which reminded me of my husband's obsession with brunettes.
Most of the photos of women, both celebrity and porn, my husband saved were of brunettes, and that's one thing that stands out greatly in my mind, because hair color is a sensitive issue for me.
I'm naturally a red head, but I dyed my hair black during the 26 years I've been married--and before. I've always hated my red hair, because kids made fun of me about it when I was young. And I seemed to have spent my life trying to hide it.
About a month before I discovered my husband's porn collection, however, I'd dyed my hair back to its original color, wanting to love myself for who I really am and find beauty in myself as God had intended me to be.
And I remember that I'd gone downstairs afterward and sat on the couch while my husband and kids were sitting on the couch opposite me, watching TV. My husband looked at me a few times and didn't even notice. The change didn't register at all. I sat there for a good half hour until my son noticed my hair. It really hurt that my husband didn't see the change until my son brought it to his attention--and it hurts even more now, knowing about his porn addiction. The fact that he didn't notice shows how very disconnected and withdrawn he was from me at that time.
Needless to say, after discovering his porn collection and noticing that the brunt of the women on his harddrive were brunettes, I've had an internal battle going on about whether to keep my original red hair color or to go back to black.
I've discovered that I really like the red. It makes me feel sexy and beautiful. It makes me look and feel younger. The red hair brings out the brown tones in my eyes and perfectly complements my fair skin. The black was starting to make me look hard and washed out. So I've decided to keep the red for now, knowing that I can go back to being a brunette later if I wish.
But it's not easy at all, and I sat here wondering today if I, with my red hair, can compete, in my husband's mind, with Brunettes likes Eva Langoria.
Of course, there are other issues too, like the fact that she's thin to the point of being anorexic, and even though I was once that thin and he has told me time and time again that he didn't want me to be that thin again.
He has planted a lot of confusion and insecurity in me about my womanhood, which I can only hope that I'll overcome in time.
Most of the photos of women, both celebrity and porn, my husband saved were of brunettes, and that's one thing that stands out greatly in my mind, because hair color is a sensitive issue for me.
I'm naturally a red head, but I dyed my hair black during the 26 years I've been married--and before. I've always hated my red hair, because kids made fun of me about it when I was young. And I seemed to have spent my life trying to hide it.
About a month before I discovered my husband's porn collection, however, I'd dyed my hair back to its original color, wanting to love myself for who I really am and find beauty in myself as God had intended me to be.
And I remember that I'd gone downstairs afterward and sat on the couch while my husband and kids were sitting on the couch opposite me, watching TV. My husband looked at me a few times and didn't even notice. The change didn't register at all. I sat there for a good half hour until my son noticed my hair. It really hurt that my husband didn't see the change until my son brought it to his attention--and it hurts even more now, knowing about his porn addiction. The fact that he didn't notice shows how very disconnected and withdrawn he was from me at that time.
Needless to say, after discovering his porn collection and noticing that the brunt of the women on his harddrive were brunettes, I've had an internal battle going on about whether to keep my original red hair color or to go back to black.
I've discovered that I really like the red. It makes me feel sexy and beautiful. It makes me look and feel younger. The red hair brings out the brown tones in my eyes and perfectly complements my fair skin. The black was starting to make me look hard and washed out. So I've decided to keep the red for now, knowing that I can go back to being a brunette later if I wish.
But it's not easy at all, and I sat here wondering today if I, with my red hair, can compete, in my husband's mind, with Brunettes likes Eva Langoria.
Of course, there are other issues too, like the fact that she's thin to the point of being anorexic, and even though I was once that thin and he has told me time and time again that he didn't want me to be that thin again.
He has planted a lot of confusion and insecurity in me about my womanhood, which I can only hope that I'll overcome in time.
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
Fascination With Lust
I calmed down, following the remark my husband made about my breasts. He has told me over and over that he likes my breasts and only suggested the surgery, because he thinks that I dislike my breasts, because I always buy bras that enhance their appearance and have mentioned how my Grandma's breasts sagged to her knees. I told him I only mentioned my grandma's breasts in hopes of making him realize that huge breasts sag badly with age. And I've only bought bras to enhance my breasts after seeing the big breast fetish sites he was so fascinated with. I have no problem with my breasts.
Doesn't it just figure that he'd once again turn this all around and make it seem like this was something about me?
And, of course, I don't totally believe his nonsense story. I think he truly is unhappy with my breasts and wishes they were those huge, freakish looking things he saw on those big breast fetish sites, but, I've effectively shoved the hurt down for now, because there's no way that I can deal with it. It hurts way too bad and makes me want to file for a divorce immediately.
I'll give this some time first. Think it all out more. And see if I can get past the pain.
We've gotten along fairly well these past couple of days otherwise. Yesterday, however, when we went to the movie rental store, I was pretty sure that he was checking out one of the employees. I noticed him looking at her--more than a passing glance--when she put videos on the shelf and when we checked out. She wasn't even pretty, was ultra thin, and had small breasts. I don't know what could excite him about her. Maybe she reminded him of one of the women he'd seen in his porn photos. As a matter of fact, her facial features did kind of resemble one of the porn whores he favored.
I've not mentioned this though. I don't want to start another huge fight.
We've fought a lot these past few weeks about him gawking at other women while we're out too. I've told him that I think sex is always on his mind and that he's looking at women constantly, thinking about their breasts or other attributes, and having sex with them. I've told him that I've noticed him looking at women many times.
He denies it to some degree, but admits that he does look at women sometimes. He claims that he sees nothing wrong with that, that when he was out with the guys in his youth, they'd always point out good looking women walking down the street, etc., and hoot and hollar. I told him the difference now was that he's married and shouldn't be doing stuff like that. I asked him how that was any different from looking at porn.
He shrugged, indifferent as usual.
It bothers me deeply is his fascination with women and the lust issue. He doesn't seem to realize or want to admit that he has a problem in controlling his feelings of lust. And if he can't get a cap on that, his problem with porn and acting out is bound to continue and he may even take it a step further in the future. Fear is the underlying thing that's working on me, what he may do tomorrow, that his sexual desire will get out of control, pull him away from me, and end up destroying our relationship--it has nearly done that already.
Doesn't it just figure that he'd once again turn this all around and make it seem like this was something about me?
And, of course, I don't totally believe his nonsense story. I think he truly is unhappy with my breasts and wishes they were those huge, freakish looking things he saw on those big breast fetish sites, but, I've effectively shoved the hurt down for now, because there's no way that I can deal with it. It hurts way too bad and makes me want to file for a divorce immediately.
I'll give this some time first. Think it all out more. And see if I can get past the pain.
We've gotten along fairly well these past couple of days otherwise. Yesterday, however, when we went to the movie rental store, I was pretty sure that he was checking out one of the employees. I noticed him looking at her--more than a passing glance--when she put videos on the shelf and when we checked out. She wasn't even pretty, was ultra thin, and had small breasts. I don't know what could excite him about her. Maybe she reminded him of one of the women he'd seen in his porn photos. As a matter of fact, her facial features did kind of resemble one of the porn whores he favored.
I've not mentioned this though. I don't want to start another huge fight.
We've fought a lot these past few weeks about him gawking at other women while we're out too. I've told him that I think sex is always on his mind and that he's looking at women constantly, thinking about their breasts or other attributes, and having sex with them. I've told him that I've noticed him looking at women many times.
He denies it to some degree, but admits that he does look at women sometimes. He claims that he sees nothing wrong with that, that when he was out with the guys in his youth, they'd always point out good looking women walking down the street, etc., and hoot and hollar. I told him the difference now was that he's married and shouldn't be doing stuff like that. I asked him how that was any different from looking at porn.
He shrugged, indifferent as usual.
It bothers me deeply is his fascination with women and the lust issue. He doesn't seem to realize or want to admit that he has a problem in controlling his feelings of lust. And if he can't get a cap on that, his problem with porn and acting out is bound to continue and he may even take it a step further in the future. Fear is the underlying thing that's working on me, what he may do tomorrow, that his sexual desire will get out of control, pull him away from me, and end up destroying our relationship--it has nearly done that already.
Sunday, June 17, 2007
Breast Surgery
Friday and Saturday were an improvement. My husband and I had had a discussion about all that happened, and he assured me that he loved me and wanted only me and had never had an affair. He told me over and over that I was all he wanted and was so much better than any of those porn women.
Of course, I don't totally believe that--though a part of me wants to. And because he'd stayed up and held me all night a few nights ago, I was finally beginning to feel as if the pain was decreasing and we were starting to get past some of these issues. I was anxious to start moving on and focus on healing.
Then, last night, my husband crushed me with something he said, and now I'm in a worse state than I've been in yet. In fact, I'm so upset that I'm struggling to write these words.
I had a nasty spider bite on one of my breasts, and so I went in the bathroom, along with him, to put some medication on it and bandage it, but, beforehand, I got into the tub so that I could clean the wound out and let it soak. While I did this, my husband stood across the room, watching me. Out of the blue, he suddenly started talking about my breasts, saying that he wondered how they do the surgery to uplift them, mentioning that "things go south."
I couldn't believe what he saying. Pain ripped through me. Feeling utterly humiliated, I tried to turn away from him, saying: "Yeah, well I'm not interested in surgery like that. It's not as if I can afford it anyway." I was really thinking: 'What are you talking about? I'm happy with myself as I am, and I thought that you were too, and I wouldn't consider such surgery." At the same time, I was trying to tell myself that he couldn't be referring to me and my breasts, but I knew deep down that he was. His next words confirmed it.
"We can save up for it," he said.
The pain and anger exploded. I told him to "Get out."
He left the room, saying I'd misunderstood him.
Yeah right!
I sat in the tub for a while, crying. I didn't want to get out. I didn't want to see him again.
But I finally went into the bedroom and we argued all night until around 9 AM the next morning. At one point, I was so angry that I threw stuff around the room, hit the door, the bed, and my pillow and really hurt my arm. As I write this, I've only had a couple of hours of sleep.
At first, he made up an awful story about how he suggested it because he thought that's what I wanted--that he thought that I didn't like my breasts. Isn't that a laugh?
His words reveal what a consummate liar he has become.
"No," I told him, "I'm 42 and I've had three children. It's normal for my breasts to sag a bit. I'm happy with myself as I am. And I have no problem with my breasts." All I said was true. They really aren't saggy. Only a little bit as expected at my age.
Of course, the topic inevitably veered back to the porn. Obviously, he was comparing me to his computer whores.
At one point, I wanted to get away from him, and I went downstairs. He followed me and we fought some more. My son, who's sleeping in the parlor, joined in--to my horror. My son is already very angry at my over all that has happened. He said that he felt that it was very wrong for my husband to have said that. He told my husband it was "stupid," that he couldn't imagine suggesting something like to a woman even if the relationship wasn't struggling with major issues.
My husband agreed that it was stupid and kept suggesting that he didn't mean it the way it had come out. How else can he mean it? What other possible meaning could there be except that he thinks my breasts are too saggy and that I should get them surgically repaired?
Anyway, I'm absolutely disgusted...with everything involving my husband right now.
This whole thing proves to me that porn does affect a man's perception of his wife just like the experts say. And it gets me that I'm a very beautiful woman, even at 42. I was given many gifts from God, including a statuesque, voluptuous body, long legs, and a face like Liz Taylor's, and flaming red hair, and I'm aging very well and still turn heads every time we go out, even from a lot of the young guys, and yet, my husband is finding fault with me. I told him he should go and look in the mirror at himself before he criticizes me and he will see an overweight, middle-aged, balding man. I also told him that that didn't matter to me, that I'd always loved him for what he had inside and wouldn't dream of changing his physical attributes.
Of course, I don't totally believe that--though a part of me wants to. And because he'd stayed up and held me all night a few nights ago, I was finally beginning to feel as if the pain was decreasing and we were starting to get past some of these issues. I was anxious to start moving on and focus on healing.
Then, last night, my husband crushed me with something he said, and now I'm in a worse state than I've been in yet. In fact, I'm so upset that I'm struggling to write these words.
I had a nasty spider bite on one of my breasts, and so I went in the bathroom, along with him, to put some medication on it and bandage it, but, beforehand, I got into the tub so that I could clean the wound out and let it soak. While I did this, my husband stood across the room, watching me. Out of the blue, he suddenly started talking about my breasts, saying that he wondered how they do the surgery to uplift them, mentioning that "things go south."
I couldn't believe what he saying. Pain ripped through me. Feeling utterly humiliated, I tried to turn away from him, saying: "Yeah, well I'm not interested in surgery like that. It's not as if I can afford it anyway." I was really thinking: 'What are you talking about? I'm happy with myself as I am, and I thought that you were too, and I wouldn't consider such surgery." At the same time, I was trying to tell myself that he couldn't be referring to me and my breasts, but I knew deep down that he was. His next words confirmed it.
"We can save up for it," he said.
The pain and anger exploded. I told him to "Get out."
He left the room, saying I'd misunderstood him.
Yeah right!
I sat in the tub for a while, crying. I didn't want to get out. I didn't want to see him again.
But I finally went into the bedroom and we argued all night until around 9 AM the next morning. At one point, I was so angry that I threw stuff around the room, hit the door, the bed, and my pillow and really hurt my arm. As I write this, I've only had a couple of hours of sleep.
At first, he made up an awful story about how he suggested it because he thought that's what I wanted--that he thought that I didn't like my breasts. Isn't that a laugh?
His words reveal what a consummate liar he has become.
"No," I told him, "I'm 42 and I've had three children. It's normal for my breasts to sag a bit. I'm happy with myself as I am. And I have no problem with my breasts." All I said was true. They really aren't saggy. Only a little bit as expected at my age.
Of course, the topic inevitably veered back to the porn. Obviously, he was comparing me to his computer whores.
At one point, I wanted to get away from him, and I went downstairs. He followed me and we fought some more. My son, who's sleeping in the parlor, joined in--to my horror. My son is already very angry at my over all that has happened. He said that he felt that it was very wrong for my husband to have said that. He told my husband it was "stupid," that he couldn't imagine suggesting something like to a woman even if the relationship wasn't struggling with major issues.
My husband agreed that it was stupid and kept suggesting that he didn't mean it the way it had come out. How else can he mean it? What other possible meaning could there be except that he thinks my breasts are too saggy and that I should get them surgically repaired?
Anyway, I'm absolutely disgusted...with everything involving my husband right now.
This whole thing proves to me that porn does affect a man's perception of his wife just like the experts say. And it gets me that I'm a very beautiful woman, even at 42. I was given many gifts from God, including a statuesque, voluptuous body, long legs, and a face like Liz Taylor's, and flaming red hair, and I'm aging very well and still turn heads every time we go out, even from a lot of the young guys, and yet, my husband is finding fault with me. I told him he should go and look in the mirror at himself before he criticizes me and he will see an overweight, middle-aged, balding man. I also told him that that didn't matter to me, that I'd always loved him for what he had inside and wouldn't dream of changing his physical attributes.
Friday, June 15, 2007
Did He Have An Affair?
I'm having a terrible day. Thoughts of my husband's strange behavior has been on my mind all day. This morning, I had breakfast with my two sons, and my youngest made a confession to me. He told me he thought my husband had had an affair. Why? His gut feeling and the signs.
Needless to say, this upset me. But the truth is, I think the same thing. I have all through this. Actually, I thought he was having an affair before I discovered his porn. My husband's behavior started to become suspicious sometime around 2005 when he got a new job. And I was looking for a good time to talk to him about it and see if I could get the truth out of him, but I discovered his porn use first.
Here are the reasons I believe he had an affair. Of course, some of the signs could be related to his porn addiction:
1. Working late hours. Yes, he works in medical and sometimes working late is inevitable, but after he started working at an emergency clinic in 2005, he started coming home late almost every night. He was supposed to get home around 4:30 PM, but often got home between 7-12 PM. I know that some of it was legitimate. If a patient comes in in an emergency, you just can't leave them. And I know the clinic was understaffed. But most of the time? And often, he didn't call me.
He claims that this was all legitimate overtime and reminds me that that's why he got a job elsewhere this spring.
I checked a few old pay stubs that I dug out recently and couldn't substantiate it one way or another--because if he was short on hours one day, it wouldn't show up as overtime on the next.
We have this problem where he works now too.
2. Not answering his work phone when I called his work number/hard to reach.
He claims that this is often because he was busy with the patient and couldn't answer the phone. Again, I believe that this is true to some degree, but there are still times that are unaccounted for and room for suspicion.
3. He made up reasons to leave the house when I was asleep such as dropping by the grocery store or hardware store for something small such as salt or xacto blades. That gave me great suspicion at the time. I thought he was up to something and even mentioned to my kids that I thought he might be having an affair.
4. Seats always out of van. We have an extended size mini van and the back seats are all removable. I was around in the 1970s. I remember how folks thought of vans as "shagmobiles." A lot of mothers wouldn't let their daughters date men with vans.
The seats were always out of our van, which would leave plenty of room in the back. And when I told him I wanted them put back in a few days ago, he gave me a big hassel about it and acted angry. They are now in, but he doesn't like it. He claims it will make it a pain to haul things home from the hardware store and to take the dogs to the vet.
It's not proof in itself, but suggestive that was something was up.
5. No wedding ring. Not a sure sign by any means. I think he quit wearing his ring years ago, but something for me to think about, especially since I saw that he'd listed himself as "single" on his Pay statement and on his MSN profile. I told him a few days ago that I wanted him to wear his ring. He says he doesn't know where it is. I told him we'll get new ones, simple and expensive bands.
6. Deleting computer history/temporary internet files. Obviously, this could be due to his hidden porn secret. But I have to wonder if it could also be to hide other evidence, such as a cyber lover. After all, he'd visited several dating sites, including match.com, Lovehappens.com. MILFsexdates.com, and AdultFriendfinder.com. I found the HTML for them in his temporary internet files after I installed a data recovery program.
7. Installation of Instant messaging. He suddenly decided to install MSN Instant Messenger in 2005--the time period I'm most suspicious about. According to him, this was just to talk to his family in Canada. After I discovered his porn use and confronted him about it, he also suspiciously deleted this program from his computer.
8. Dating site cookies/visits. As I stated in 6 above, he had HTML and cookies for dating sites on his harddrive. He claims they were probably just ads, that he never visited them. I'm doubtful.
9. Frequently taking cash out of bank account/always wanting cash on hand
Yes, he needed cash for lunch, but it always seemed like he kept more on hand than he needed, about $50.00, which isn't typical for him. I'm the one who always carries the cash.
10. Sudden emotional withdrawal/lack of true affection/interest/distant/doesn't care what I do or say. After dinner, he'd go to the couch to sit down, away from me and the kids who sat around the table talking. And when we'd spend time together, he'd always turn the TV on as if to block me out. He never looked at me, averted his eyes from me often, and always acted like he was angry at me. This could be a sign of an affair or withdrawal from his porn addiction. It's hard to say. But I knew something was wrong due to the way he acted toward me. It was quite alarming.
11. My gut feeling that something was wrong up. They say that women are correct 85% of the time when they think their husband is having an affair. Men, supposedly, are only correct 30% of the time. My gut instinct tells me he had an affair.
12. Seek out more time alone to be on computer. This is also probably a symptom of his porn use. I do remember that he'd excuse himself early to go up to the bedroom. Often, he'd have the excuse that he had a headache and wanted to lie down.
13. A High Mood. Sometimes, he'd get home from work with with a real "high" mood for no explained reason, which is also atypical of him.
14. More fault finding with me. He complained much more about little things whereas he never used to. I remember that we got into an ugly fight in the early spring, and I can't even remember what it was about now--only that it had to do with some small and petty thing.
15. Always deletes incoming numbers from caller ID. This may be a sign and it may not be. I don't know if he'd actually be stupid enough to give his lover our home phone number. I think he communicated with her primarily at work. I believe she was a coworker whom he met while on the new job.
16. Pager/beeper. I'd asked around on a marriage forum if they thought he'd had an affair based on many of these signs and most people said, "No, because he didn't have a cell phone, and most cheaters get cell phones immediately. I felt relieved for a while, and then I remembered that he had a work pager. Yes, he got paged frequently. Often it was legitimate but I don't know about every time he was called.
17. Sometimes he'd leave the room to talk on the phone. It could be due to work related privacy and it could be due to wanting to talk to a lover. I wish I would have listened in a tad.
18. Need to frequently readjust car seat as if someone smaller was in it. This happened a few times during the past few months. He always explained it by saying that one of our sons had done it when using the van--yet my sons are all large men, much larger than me.
19. Suggestion of divorce due to bills After we went through a major financial loss a few years ago, he suggested that we divorce to keep creditors off our backs and to protect some of our assets. I told him that there was no way I'd even consider divorcing him for that. I don't know if it's related to an affair or not.
20. His strange comment about infidelity. When I was asking him about whether he'd been unfaithful, he said out of the blue: "If you were cheating on me, I could forgive you." That struck me as a near admission at the time or maybe he was testing the waters to see if I'd forgive him.
21. Notice of other women. I've noticed over the past few years that he sometimes stares at other women with interest. Of course, this could also be due to his porn/sexual addiction.
22. Suddenly keeping bedroom door closed while on computer. This is probably also a symptom of his porn use.
23. Sometimes showers/washes clothes immediately upon coming home.
Again, no strong evidence in itself, because he may get bloody or dirty when taking care of a patient that's in bad condition. But it can also be a sign of a spouse having an affair and wanting to hide the evidence.
24. unexplained matchbook to motel found in hall. This one is a big "maybe," because the matchbook, which I found in the fireplace looked kind of old and there have been lots of men in and out of the house for the past few years as we've been doing renovation. So it remains a mystery.
Obviously, none of these signs in themselves proves that he had an affair, but they raise suspicion. Taken together with his porn addiction, declining morals, and lack of guilt, it makes it look like he probably did. But one of the biggest reasons, in my mind, is that he felt justified in taking his sexual needs outside of the relationship, because he felt like we weren't having sex often enough.
Any opinion? Do you think he looks guilty as charged or am I overreacting?
My son doesn't even know all of these reasons, and yet he's convinced that my husband had an affair. I'm grieving the very possibility, because if he did, I'll have no choice but to divorce him. I can't live with a man who'd step over marital bounds like that. The porn is bad enough.
Needless to say, this upset me. But the truth is, I think the same thing. I have all through this. Actually, I thought he was having an affair before I discovered his porn. My husband's behavior started to become suspicious sometime around 2005 when he got a new job. And I was looking for a good time to talk to him about it and see if I could get the truth out of him, but I discovered his porn use first.
Here are the reasons I believe he had an affair. Of course, some of the signs could be related to his porn addiction:
1. Working late hours. Yes, he works in medical and sometimes working late is inevitable, but after he started working at an emergency clinic in 2005, he started coming home late almost every night. He was supposed to get home around 4:30 PM, but often got home between 7-12 PM. I know that some of it was legitimate. If a patient comes in in an emergency, you just can't leave them. And I know the clinic was understaffed. But most of the time? And often, he didn't call me.
He claims that this was all legitimate overtime and reminds me that that's why he got a job elsewhere this spring.
I checked a few old pay stubs that I dug out recently and couldn't substantiate it one way or another--because if he was short on hours one day, it wouldn't show up as overtime on the next.
We have this problem where he works now too.
2. Not answering his work phone when I called his work number/hard to reach.
He claims that this is often because he was busy with the patient and couldn't answer the phone. Again, I believe that this is true to some degree, but there are still times that are unaccounted for and room for suspicion.
3. He made up reasons to leave the house when I was asleep such as dropping by the grocery store or hardware store for something small such as salt or xacto blades. That gave me great suspicion at the time. I thought he was up to something and even mentioned to my kids that I thought he might be having an affair.
4. Seats always out of van. We have an extended size mini van and the back seats are all removable. I was around in the 1970s. I remember how folks thought of vans as "shagmobiles." A lot of mothers wouldn't let their daughters date men with vans.
The seats were always out of our van, which would leave plenty of room in the back. And when I told him I wanted them put back in a few days ago, he gave me a big hassel about it and acted angry. They are now in, but he doesn't like it. He claims it will make it a pain to haul things home from the hardware store and to take the dogs to the vet.
It's not proof in itself, but suggestive that was something was up.
5. No wedding ring. Not a sure sign by any means. I think he quit wearing his ring years ago, but something for me to think about, especially since I saw that he'd listed himself as "single" on his Pay statement and on his MSN profile. I told him a few days ago that I wanted him to wear his ring. He says he doesn't know where it is. I told him we'll get new ones, simple and expensive bands.
6. Deleting computer history/temporary internet files. Obviously, this could be due to his hidden porn secret. But I have to wonder if it could also be to hide other evidence, such as a cyber lover. After all, he'd visited several dating sites, including match.com, Lovehappens.com. MILFsexdates.com, and AdultFriendfinder.com. I found the HTML for them in his temporary internet files after I installed a data recovery program.
7. Installation of Instant messaging. He suddenly decided to install MSN Instant Messenger in 2005--the time period I'm most suspicious about. According to him, this was just to talk to his family in Canada. After I discovered his porn use and confronted him about it, he also suspiciously deleted this program from his computer.
8. Dating site cookies/visits. As I stated in 6 above, he had HTML and cookies for dating sites on his harddrive. He claims they were probably just ads, that he never visited them. I'm doubtful.
9. Frequently taking cash out of bank account/always wanting cash on hand
Yes, he needed cash for lunch, but it always seemed like he kept more on hand than he needed, about $50.00, which isn't typical for him. I'm the one who always carries the cash.
10. Sudden emotional withdrawal/lack of true affection/interest/distant/doesn't care what I do or say. After dinner, he'd go to the couch to sit down, away from me and the kids who sat around the table talking. And when we'd spend time together, he'd always turn the TV on as if to block me out. He never looked at me, averted his eyes from me often, and always acted like he was angry at me. This could be a sign of an affair or withdrawal from his porn addiction. It's hard to say. But I knew something was wrong due to the way he acted toward me. It was quite alarming.
11. My gut feeling that something was wrong up. They say that women are correct 85% of the time when they think their husband is having an affair. Men, supposedly, are only correct 30% of the time. My gut instinct tells me he had an affair.
12. Seek out more time alone to be on computer. This is also probably a symptom of his porn use. I do remember that he'd excuse himself early to go up to the bedroom. Often, he'd have the excuse that he had a headache and wanted to lie down.
13. A High Mood. Sometimes, he'd get home from work with with a real "high" mood for no explained reason, which is also atypical of him.
14. More fault finding with me. He complained much more about little things whereas he never used to. I remember that we got into an ugly fight in the early spring, and I can't even remember what it was about now--only that it had to do with some small and petty thing.
15. Always deletes incoming numbers from caller ID. This may be a sign and it may not be. I don't know if he'd actually be stupid enough to give his lover our home phone number. I think he communicated with her primarily at work. I believe she was a coworker whom he met while on the new job.
16. Pager/beeper. I'd asked around on a marriage forum if they thought he'd had an affair based on many of these signs and most people said, "No, because he didn't have a cell phone, and most cheaters get cell phones immediately. I felt relieved for a while, and then I remembered that he had a work pager. Yes, he got paged frequently. Often it was legitimate but I don't know about every time he was called.
17. Sometimes he'd leave the room to talk on the phone. It could be due to work related privacy and it could be due to wanting to talk to a lover. I wish I would have listened in a tad.
18. Need to frequently readjust car seat as if someone smaller was in it. This happened a few times during the past few months. He always explained it by saying that one of our sons had done it when using the van--yet my sons are all large men, much larger than me.
19. Suggestion of divorce due to bills After we went through a major financial loss a few years ago, he suggested that we divorce to keep creditors off our backs and to protect some of our assets. I told him that there was no way I'd even consider divorcing him for that. I don't know if it's related to an affair or not.
20. His strange comment about infidelity. When I was asking him about whether he'd been unfaithful, he said out of the blue: "If you were cheating on me, I could forgive you." That struck me as a near admission at the time or maybe he was testing the waters to see if I'd forgive him.
21. Notice of other women. I've noticed over the past few years that he sometimes stares at other women with interest. Of course, this could also be due to his porn/sexual addiction.
22. Suddenly keeping bedroom door closed while on computer. This is probably also a symptom of his porn use.
23. Sometimes showers/washes clothes immediately upon coming home.
Again, no strong evidence in itself, because he may get bloody or dirty when taking care of a patient that's in bad condition. But it can also be a sign of a spouse having an affair and wanting to hide the evidence.
24. unexplained matchbook to motel found in hall. This one is a big "maybe," because the matchbook, which I found in the fireplace looked kind of old and there have been lots of men in and out of the house for the past few years as we've been doing renovation. So it remains a mystery.
Obviously, none of these signs in themselves proves that he had an affair, but they raise suspicion. Taken together with his porn addiction, declining morals, and lack of guilt, it makes it look like he probably did. But one of the biggest reasons, in my mind, is that he felt justified in taking his sexual needs outside of the relationship, because he felt like we weren't having sex often enough.
Any opinion? Do you think he looks guilty as charged or am I overreacting?
My son doesn't even know all of these reasons, and yet he's convinced that my husband had an affair. I'm grieving the very possibility, because if he did, I'll have no choice but to divorce him. I can't live with a man who'd step over marital bounds like that. The porn is bad enough.
When Did He Do It?
While my husband was upstairs in the bedroom, studying for a class last night, I was making dinner in the kitchen, and, out of the blue, I suddenly found myself very hurt and angry again about his porn use. At first, I couldn't understand what triggered these feelings--and then it hit me. Life seemed like the way things were before, when he was being deceptive. For the first time, it struck me that he probably went to all of those porn sites while I was busy making dinner each night.
I asked him about it, and he said that wasn't the way of it, that he didn't do it then. He said that he usually visited the porn sites while I was asleep. I was utterly disgusted and all the angrier as thoughts of his sneaking behind my back hit me with yet another blow.
We both sleep strange hours. We're typically night people. I often stay up all night long and work, because I'm more creative then. But when he was doing the brunt of his porn surfing, he was working days and we were on opposite schedules. In the early spring, he got another job and is now on nights.
But...no wonder, it took me so long to discover his secret. He had a lot of time alone on his hands--the bedroom all to himself for many hours while I was asleep downstairs.
Sometimes, I kick myself over it, asking myself how it could have gone on so long without me knowing or having a clue. When his personality took a sudden change and he started to withdraw from me, I thought he was having an affair (and I'm still not sure he didn't). I never suspected that he was a porn addict. I still wonder how I could have missed it.
I asked him about it, and he said that wasn't the way of it, that he didn't do it then. He said that he usually visited the porn sites while I was asleep. I was utterly disgusted and all the angrier as thoughts of his sneaking behind my back hit me with yet another blow.
We both sleep strange hours. We're typically night people. I often stay up all night long and work, because I'm more creative then. But when he was doing the brunt of his porn surfing, he was working days and we were on opposite schedules. In the early spring, he got another job and is now on nights.
But...no wonder, it took me so long to discover his secret. He had a lot of time alone on his hands--the bedroom all to himself for many hours while I was asleep downstairs.
Sometimes, I kick myself over it, asking myself how it could have gone on so long without me knowing or having a clue. When his personality took a sudden change and he started to withdraw from me, I thought he was having an affair (and I'm still not sure he didn't). I never suspected that he was a porn addict. I still wonder how I could have missed it.
Porn Blog
When I clicked on the "Next Blog," feature this morning, I found myself on a commercial porn site's blog--it was full of live sex cams. I was disgusted. That was not something that I wanted to see. It brought back so much pain. I sat here shaking, almost in tears, when I saw that.
And then I thought about all of the people I've met on Google who're fighting a porn addiction. It would be awful if one of them had come across that blog.
It's against Google's Terms for a commercial porn site to spam with a Google blog, so I wrote to them about it. Hopefully, they will remove it.
And then I thought about all of the people I've met on Google who're fighting a porn addiction. It would be awful if one of them had come across that blog.
It's against Google's Terms for a commercial porn site to spam with a Google blog, so I wrote to them about it. Hopefully, they will remove it.
Strange Behavior
My husband acted very strange through the night. He had an 8 AM class this morning and so we went to bed early. Yet, he couldn't sleep all night. I kept waking up (from nightmares about his porn use) to find him awake, staring at me, and holding me closely. When I'd ask him what's wrong, he'd say, "All of what has been going on," but would give no specifics. And then he'd hold me even tighter and kiss me several times. Then I'd fall back to sleep only to awaken a short time later for more of the same. This repeated until we finally got up at 6 AM.
I'm baffled by his behavior. A guilty conscience finally creeping in about the porn use? Fear of losing me? Guilt over something else he's hiding?
I don't know, but I still think that there's a lot that he's not telling me.
Last night, I had him take the sexual addiction assessment test that I'd mentioned in my previous post. It showed that he probably has a sexual addiction and warned that he needs to get help. Perhaps that was on his mind. Maybe he's finally starting to realize that he has a problem.
I'm baffled by his behavior. A guilty conscience finally creeping in about the porn use? Fear of losing me? Guilt over something else he's hiding?
I don't know, but I still think that there's a lot that he's not telling me.
Last night, I had him take the sexual addiction assessment test that I'd mentioned in my previous post. It showed that he probably has a sexual addiction and warned that he needs to get help. Perhaps that was on his mind. Maybe he's finally starting to realize that he has a problem.
Thursday, June 14, 2007
Addiction Vs. Casual Use
Being a porn addict is one form of sexual addiction--there are many different types and degrees. Throughout this ordeal with my husband, I've struggled to figure out if he is indeed a true porn or sexual addict. I came to believe he was for the reasons I wrote in this post: Porn and Sexual Addictions. He also scores high on online assessment tests. Here's one that I think is very good: CyberSexualAddiction.com.
But he has consistently denied that he has a problem and claims he can easily leave porn behind and has no "compulsive" need to use it. He told me last night that he doesn't even really like it and that the only reason he turned to it was because I was not fulfilling his needs sexually or intimately. He says that he only did it twice a week, sometimes less than that. And he swore that he has never had an affair outside of our marriage and never would because he feels it's morally wrong.
Is he just in denial and/or downplaying his problem in order to appease my anger? Is he lying to me? Did he have an affair or do something else that he's hiding?
My gut feeling tells me that he's still hiding something. Some part of me believes that he has had an affair but I haven't been able to find proof of that--just minor circumstantial evidence like being late from work frequently.
Or am I just being paranoid after finding out about his secret porn use?
I'm not sure, but I'll always believe that he has a porn problem that would have escalated to a full blown affair if I'd not caught him, and that thought alone is very painful.
That brings me to the question of casual use. Can some guys use porn on a casual basis and not get addicted to it? Is that possible?
I wrote and asked some experts on allexperts.com. One of them said, "Yes," and though he's against porn and believes it's destructive in many ways, he thinks it's possible for someone to be a casual user and not an addict. Another expert, a psychologist who has experience in counseling porn addicts and used to be one himself, told me that he has "no doubt" that my husband is addicted, and he's of the mindset that any use is destructive. I agree with this point of view. I noticed a definite change in my husband's attitude toward me and other women during the past few years. At the time, I had no idea that it was due to porn use.
And I remained convinced that he was not a "casual user," if there even is such a thing. I'm more inclined to believe that no amount of porn is safe and has a negative affect on one's thinking and behavior, especially toward women. I've read enough research material about it to know that much is true.
But I still sometimes wonder about what extent it has affected my husband and whether more things will come out.
To settle the question about whether he is or isn't a porn or sexual addict, I wanted for us to consult an expert, so that we'd know what to expect down the road and how to handle it. That's why I made an appointment for us to see a counselor last week only to find that she knew nothing about these matters and thought our problems were not related to his porn use. Such a waste of time.
And there's no one in our area who is specialized in sex or porn addictions.
So I guess the only way that we'll know for sure is if he returns to it. Porn/sexual addicts are compulsive. If he is truly a porn or sex addict, he'll return to his previous behavior and then there will be no doubt.
One problem with that is he's going to be much more careful in the future so it may be difficult for me to discover if he's up to something. He may even try other outlets--things I'm not going to mention here, because I don't want to give anyone ideas. But from what I understand, they can get creative when it comes to deception.
Not knowing for sure, right here, right now, troubles me. It could mean more pain for me in the future. If he's a sexual addict, and has done even more than he admits to, including having affairs with "real" women, going to hookers and the like, then I'm doubtlessly bound to get hurt very badly again unless he gets the problem in check right now. But how is he going to get the problem in check if he's denying it and we can't find someone to properly assess him and offer him counseling? I've purchased my husband some books on the subject, one of which he begrudgingly read, but I don't think that's enough.
I only know this, if he's a sex addict and has had affairs, I'd rather leave him now and get on with my life, because I know there's no way that I'll ever be able to forgive him.
He knows that too, which is why he's going to deny it to hell and back even if he did it.
The question as to whether he's a porn addict or, even worse, a sexual addict who has or will act out, has been, for me, the heaviest issue underlying everything else.
Here are a couple of good articles I came across about sexual addiction:
Battling Sexual Addiction on MSN
Sexual Addiction: Diagnosis and Treatment
They both reveal that my husband obviously has a serious problem, but since I don't know if he has acted out beyond the porn and masturbation, I still can't say with certainty that he's a sexual addict who's on the hunt for sexual encounters, and I remain tortured by the thought. I do think sex and women often preoccupy his thoughts.
But he has consistently denied that he has a problem and claims he can easily leave porn behind and has no "compulsive" need to use it. He told me last night that he doesn't even really like it and that the only reason he turned to it was because I was not fulfilling his needs sexually or intimately. He says that he only did it twice a week, sometimes less than that. And he swore that he has never had an affair outside of our marriage and never would because he feels it's morally wrong.
Is he just in denial and/or downplaying his problem in order to appease my anger? Is he lying to me? Did he have an affair or do something else that he's hiding?
My gut feeling tells me that he's still hiding something. Some part of me believes that he has had an affair but I haven't been able to find proof of that--just minor circumstantial evidence like being late from work frequently.
Or am I just being paranoid after finding out about his secret porn use?
I'm not sure, but I'll always believe that he has a porn problem that would have escalated to a full blown affair if I'd not caught him, and that thought alone is very painful.
That brings me to the question of casual use. Can some guys use porn on a casual basis and not get addicted to it? Is that possible?
I wrote and asked some experts on allexperts.com. One of them said, "Yes," and though he's against porn and believes it's destructive in many ways, he thinks it's possible for someone to be a casual user and not an addict. Another expert, a psychologist who has experience in counseling porn addicts and used to be one himself, told me that he has "no doubt" that my husband is addicted, and he's of the mindset that any use is destructive. I agree with this point of view. I noticed a definite change in my husband's attitude toward me and other women during the past few years. At the time, I had no idea that it was due to porn use.
And I remained convinced that he was not a "casual user," if there even is such a thing. I'm more inclined to believe that no amount of porn is safe and has a negative affect on one's thinking and behavior, especially toward women. I've read enough research material about it to know that much is true.
But I still sometimes wonder about what extent it has affected my husband and whether more things will come out.
To settle the question about whether he is or isn't a porn or sexual addict, I wanted for us to consult an expert, so that we'd know what to expect down the road and how to handle it. That's why I made an appointment for us to see a counselor last week only to find that she knew nothing about these matters and thought our problems were not related to his porn use. Such a waste of time.
And there's no one in our area who is specialized in sex or porn addictions.
So I guess the only way that we'll know for sure is if he returns to it. Porn/sexual addicts are compulsive. If he is truly a porn or sex addict, he'll return to his previous behavior and then there will be no doubt.
One problem with that is he's going to be much more careful in the future so it may be difficult for me to discover if he's up to something. He may even try other outlets--things I'm not going to mention here, because I don't want to give anyone ideas. But from what I understand, they can get creative when it comes to deception.
Not knowing for sure, right here, right now, troubles me. It could mean more pain for me in the future. If he's a sexual addict, and has done even more than he admits to, including having affairs with "real" women, going to hookers and the like, then I'm doubtlessly bound to get hurt very badly again unless he gets the problem in check right now. But how is he going to get the problem in check if he's denying it and we can't find someone to properly assess him and offer him counseling? I've purchased my husband some books on the subject, one of which he begrudgingly read, but I don't think that's enough.
I only know this, if he's a sex addict and has had affairs, I'd rather leave him now and get on with my life, because I know there's no way that I'll ever be able to forgive him.
He knows that too, which is why he's going to deny it to hell and back even if he did it.
The question as to whether he's a porn addict or, even worse, a sexual addict who has or will act out, has been, for me, the heaviest issue underlying everything else.
Here are a couple of good articles I came across about sexual addiction:
Battling Sexual Addiction on MSN
Sexual Addiction: Diagnosis and Treatment
They both reveal that my husband obviously has a serious problem, but since I don't know if he has acted out beyond the porn and masturbation, I still can't say with certainty that he's a sexual addict who's on the hunt for sexual encounters, and I remain tortured by the thought. I do think sex and women often preoccupy his thoughts.
Ruined Anniversary
Yesterday was ugly. We argued a lot. Sometimes I want to hurt him, and I say mean things, but I think he deserves that for lying to me and cheating on me (I equate mentally having sex with another as cheating--definitely as adultery), and I need to vent my anger and pain. He says he realizes that it's necessary for me to do so, and that it will take me a long time to deal with this and get over the pain.
It seems like each day I'm upset over a different thing and will focus mainly on one thing--one day it's the big breasted women, the next, it's the nude celebrities, the "naughty housewives," or the fact that he deceived me for so long, etc.. Sometimes I just resent something that he said in an argument the day before, especially when he tries to reverse everything and make it look like I'm at fault for his porn addiction. Such things simmer deep inside me until I explode.
I'd discovered his porn addiction on our 25th wedding anniversary, one of the most important anniversaries in my mind, a great milestone, and yesterday, the main brunt of my angst was over the ruined anniversary and how he was looking up and saving sexy images of Raquel Welch on the day before our anniversary. That is also the day that I walked in on him and found him masturbating. The next day while he was at work, I discovered that he'd had cyber sex that night with "Desiree," one of his favorite porn stars, (the ugly one I've mentioned in other posts) and not Raquel. I guess Raquel didn't do enough for him.
I told him yesterday that every single year, for the rest of my life, I'm going to remember that his thoughts were on other woman on our anniversary. And I asked him if he'd planned on having cyber sex with Raquel or Desiree on the day of our anniversary. Of course, he denied that. Needless to say, the argument got pretty nasty.
He came back like he always does: "He's sorry. He wished he never did it and will never do it again. He never wants to hurt me, and only wants me."
As to the drop in his morality, he denies it and says that he would never even consider having an affair--that he thinks it's wrong. I've told him many times that he needs to apologize to God as well for what he did, but he never has much to say about that. I think his porn addiction wounded his faith.
Anyway, things are better today--so far at least. I've calmed down. I'm going to try and leave the pain behind and get some work done today.
My business is failing, because I haven't kept it up during the past two weeks, and I realize that if we do split up, it will be my only form of support soon.
I was supposed to see that counselor today but cancelled. I told her that something came up, and I'll call to reschedule it. She didn't give me a hassle. I thought she would. I also discovered that she's a social worker and not a psychologist. No wonder she has no idea about how to handle a porn addiction.
If we do return to counseling, we've got to find someone else. That much is certain.
Please pray for me and my family. We could use some prayers right now.
It seems like each day I'm upset over a different thing and will focus mainly on one thing--one day it's the big breasted women, the next, it's the nude celebrities, the "naughty housewives," or the fact that he deceived me for so long, etc.. Sometimes I just resent something that he said in an argument the day before, especially when he tries to reverse everything and make it look like I'm at fault for his porn addiction. Such things simmer deep inside me until I explode.
I'd discovered his porn addiction on our 25th wedding anniversary, one of the most important anniversaries in my mind, a great milestone, and yesterday, the main brunt of my angst was over the ruined anniversary and how he was looking up and saving sexy images of Raquel Welch on the day before our anniversary. That is also the day that I walked in on him and found him masturbating. The next day while he was at work, I discovered that he'd had cyber sex that night with "Desiree," one of his favorite porn stars, (the ugly one I've mentioned in other posts) and not Raquel. I guess Raquel didn't do enough for him.
I told him yesterday that every single year, for the rest of my life, I'm going to remember that his thoughts were on other woman on our anniversary. And I asked him if he'd planned on having cyber sex with Raquel or Desiree on the day of our anniversary. Of course, he denied that. Needless to say, the argument got pretty nasty.
He came back like he always does: "He's sorry. He wished he never did it and will never do it again. He never wants to hurt me, and only wants me."
As to the drop in his morality, he denies it and says that he would never even consider having an affair--that he thinks it's wrong. I've told him many times that he needs to apologize to God as well for what he did, but he never has much to say about that. I think his porn addiction wounded his faith.
Anyway, things are better today--so far at least. I've calmed down. I'm going to try and leave the pain behind and get some work done today.
My business is failing, because I haven't kept it up during the past two weeks, and I realize that if we do split up, it will be my only form of support soon.
I was supposed to see that counselor today but cancelled. I told her that something came up, and I'll call to reschedule it. She didn't give me a hassle. I thought she would. I also discovered that she's a social worker and not a psychologist. No wonder she has no idea about how to handle a porn addiction.
If we do return to counseling, we've got to find someone else. That much is certain.
Please pray for me and my family. We could use some prayers right now.
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Is My Marriage Over?
I awoke upset. I got my typical four hours of sleep last night. Yesterday wasn't too bad, but the pain about what my husband did came raining down on me late last night and we had another confrontation about it before we went to sleep.
The thing I'm having the most trouble dealing with is that he could go behind my back with all of those women, lust after them and mentally make love to them all of those years and never once have a bit of guilt (except for a little bit at the onset, according to his own admission), and never once think about quitting. From what I've read online, even the most dedicated porn addicts know somewhere inside that what they're doing is wrong, and they want to quit.
Last night I asked him how he felt after I walked in on him when he was masturbating that night and discovered his secret? His answer was elusive, a typical, "I dont know." So I asked him if he'd felt bad that night?
He hum hauled around my questions but finally admitted that he didn't. I asked him if he'd finished doing what he was doing that night after I left the room. He said he couldn't remember, and I knew he was lying. He'd reopened his laptop and continued with his whore--even knowing that his wife had caught him in the act.
That blows my mind. He should have felt awful at being discovered, guilt should have torn at his heart. The fact that he didn't feel bad about it tells me that he could not only do this again, but could do even worse behind my back and not entertain a bit of guilt.
Something is very wrong with that.
What's more, I think my husband's morality has greatly declined over the years.
All through this ordeal, there has been a question about whether our marriage is over, whether I'll be able to get past this pain, whether I'll be able to forgive him. Today I'm leaning on "it's over." Several weeks have passed, and I'm not even close to getting over it. I'm not even close to getting past this pain or forgiving him.
I'm going to discuss some options with him today about a trial separation.
The thing I'm having the most trouble dealing with is that he could go behind my back with all of those women, lust after them and mentally make love to them all of those years and never once have a bit of guilt (except for a little bit at the onset, according to his own admission), and never once think about quitting. From what I've read online, even the most dedicated porn addicts know somewhere inside that what they're doing is wrong, and they want to quit.
Last night I asked him how he felt after I walked in on him when he was masturbating that night and discovered his secret? His answer was elusive, a typical, "I dont know." So I asked him if he'd felt bad that night?
He hum hauled around my questions but finally admitted that he didn't. I asked him if he'd finished doing what he was doing that night after I left the room. He said he couldn't remember, and I knew he was lying. He'd reopened his laptop and continued with his whore--even knowing that his wife had caught him in the act.
That blows my mind. He should have felt awful at being discovered, guilt should have torn at his heart. The fact that he didn't feel bad about it tells me that he could not only do this again, but could do even worse behind my back and not entertain a bit of guilt.
Something is very wrong with that.
What's more, I think my husband's morality has greatly declined over the years.
All through this ordeal, there has been a question about whether our marriage is over, whether I'll be able to get past this pain, whether I'll be able to forgive him. Today I'm leaning on "it's over." Several weeks have passed, and I'm not even close to getting over it. I'm not even close to getting past this pain or forgiving him.
I'm going to discuss some options with him today about a trial separation.
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
Is He Comparing Me Part II
I'd mentioned some concerns that porn has affected my husband's thinking and made him more critical of me in my post: "Is He Comparing Me?"
Well, this morning after he got home from work, I addressed some of these issues. He confessed that he does like for me to look sexy when we go out. He says it turns him on when I attract other men's notice. He claims that it has nothing to do with the porn, that he has always felt that way.
I realize that this is true. Somehow, I'd forgotten that. Perhaps because I'd gained weight and quit worrying about dressing sexy when we went out and the subject fell to the wayside. It became a moot point until I started dressing a little more sexy recently.
When we were younger, however, he used to get extreme pleasure when I'd wear short skirts and high heels, or something else that was a bit enticing when we went out. It seemed to really turn him on--more so than if we were at home and I was wearing something sexy for him. I remember that it used to concern me a bit. Most guys would be jealous, knowing that others were checking out their wife-yet my husband had the reverse reaction.
I remember when we came back to Missouri after living in Texas for 12 years that my family was aghast at how I dressed and urged me to dress more conservatively. I thought they were just being prudes.
Still, the brunt of the problem didn't hit me until last night.
When we went out for dinner a few days ago, I wore a black dress with a low cut bodice. It kept creeping down and showing a bit more than I was comfortable with when we were sitting in the restaurant, and I was embarrassed and kept pulling it back up. He told me to stop.
I whispered: "There's a man, sitting over there, behind you, who keeps gawking."
To this my husband said: "So. If you have it, flaunt it."
I was shocked.
As is my norm, I've been picking this thing apart in my need for understanding. And I've come to the conclusion that though this seems like a sexual thing, I have to wonder if it's not more of a "flaunting," type thing--the same thing as showing off a nice car, a nice house, wealth, or whatever asset one has. To some degree, a desire to flaunt what one has is normal, but I think it can be taken too far and become destructive. I think that it makes my husband feel better about himself if others envy what he has. I've always known that my husband has a tendency to flaunt things and show off, but I've never put all of the pieces together before.
I believe this is something from his childhood. His rich parents are extremely "artificial" people. His dad always boasts about who he knows and what their net worth is. Both of his parents have to live in the best part of town with the best cars and the best of everything. To his parents, a person's worth is based on their monetary assets or position. I think my husband picked some of this up and equates his self worth with what he has and what he projects to others.
This is not good, because it makes me wonder what my husband is going to do when the "middle age craze" strikes. Or what about in 10-20 years when I'm much older--I'm 42 now--and draw fewer, if any, stares from strangers. Is he then going to be discontent with me and want a much younger woman on his arm?
A middle aged man lived next door to us who was like that. He wore tight leather pants, shirts opened down the front, lots of flashy jewelry, and drove around in a little red convertible. I think it was a porsche, but I can't remember. He was always gawking. He always tried to get my attention and even went so far as to knock on the door a few times about trivial things. Every time, he'd be dressed to high heaven. I knew it was just an excuse to chat with me and get my notice. I noticed alright. I thought he was downright disgusting.
I hope my husband is never like that! But unless we address this issue now, that's a possibility.
I was going to cancel that appointment with the psychologist on Thursday, but now I think I'm going to keep it. I need to discuss this with her.
Of course, I'm going to discuss it with him too tonight.
As for my husband's criticism of the lingerie and things I wear when we're at home together, yes, I think that is related to the porn. There are two separate issues going on here.
Well, this morning after he got home from work, I addressed some of these issues. He confessed that he does like for me to look sexy when we go out. He says it turns him on when I attract other men's notice. He claims that it has nothing to do with the porn, that he has always felt that way.
I realize that this is true. Somehow, I'd forgotten that. Perhaps because I'd gained weight and quit worrying about dressing sexy when we went out and the subject fell to the wayside. It became a moot point until I started dressing a little more sexy recently.
When we were younger, however, he used to get extreme pleasure when I'd wear short skirts and high heels, or something else that was a bit enticing when we went out. It seemed to really turn him on--more so than if we were at home and I was wearing something sexy for him. I remember that it used to concern me a bit. Most guys would be jealous, knowing that others were checking out their wife-yet my husband had the reverse reaction.
I remember when we came back to Missouri after living in Texas for 12 years that my family was aghast at how I dressed and urged me to dress more conservatively. I thought they were just being prudes.
Still, the brunt of the problem didn't hit me until last night.
When we went out for dinner a few days ago, I wore a black dress with a low cut bodice. It kept creeping down and showing a bit more than I was comfortable with when we were sitting in the restaurant, and I was embarrassed and kept pulling it back up. He told me to stop.
I whispered: "There's a man, sitting over there, behind you, who keeps gawking."
To this my husband said: "So. If you have it, flaunt it."
I was shocked.
As is my norm, I've been picking this thing apart in my need for understanding. And I've come to the conclusion that though this seems like a sexual thing, I have to wonder if it's not more of a "flaunting," type thing--the same thing as showing off a nice car, a nice house, wealth, or whatever asset one has. To some degree, a desire to flaunt what one has is normal, but I think it can be taken too far and become destructive. I think that it makes my husband feel better about himself if others envy what he has. I've always known that my husband has a tendency to flaunt things and show off, but I've never put all of the pieces together before.
I believe this is something from his childhood. His rich parents are extremely "artificial" people. His dad always boasts about who he knows and what their net worth is. Both of his parents have to live in the best part of town with the best cars and the best of everything. To his parents, a person's worth is based on their monetary assets or position. I think my husband picked some of this up and equates his self worth with what he has and what he projects to others.
This is not good, because it makes me wonder what my husband is going to do when the "middle age craze" strikes. Or what about in 10-20 years when I'm much older--I'm 42 now--and draw fewer, if any, stares from strangers. Is he then going to be discontent with me and want a much younger woman on his arm?
A middle aged man lived next door to us who was like that. He wore tight leather pants, shirts opened down the front, lots of flashy jewelry, and drove around in a little red convertible. I think it was a porsche, but I can't remember. He was always gawking. He always tried to get my attention and even went so far as to knock on the door a few times about trivial things. Every time, he'd be dressed to high heaven. I knew it was just an excuse to chat with me and get my notice. I noticed alright. I thought he was downright disgusting.
I hope my husband is never like that! But unless we address this issue now, that's a possibility.
I was going to cancel that appointment with the psychologist on Thursday, but now I think I'm going to keep it. I need to discuss this with her.
Of course, I'm going to discuss it with him too tonight.
As for my husband's criticism of the lingerie and things I wear when we're at home together, yes, I think that is related to the porn. There are two separate issues going on here.
Monday, June 11, 2007
Is He Comparing Me?
I'm a full figure woman, just a little overweight, and I felt beautiful and sexy just as I am--until I discovered my husband's porn use. And after seeing thousands of scantily clad, anorexic, big breasted, 20-year olds on my husband's computer, a zillion comparisons arose in my beleagured mind. Am I good enough for him? Does he want those anorexic women instead? Are my breasts too small? Am I too fat? Questions like that overwhelmed me.
I was in full co-addict mode.
At first, I obsessed over these issues. I quit eating and lost 20 pounds in 30 days. I ordered all kinds of sexy clothes and lingerie in order to make him want me and to see that I was just as sexy and desirable as his porn chicks.
And then something dawned on me --I was acting crazy. What was I doing? He needed to want me as I am for who I am, and I fully believe that he does want and desire me.
I also realized that putting on that sexy lingerie was making me feel bad deep inside, because it was reminding me of the other women at a time when the pain was raw. I have nothing against sexy lingerie, but I've decided that I'm not going to wear it until this pain is past and we're on the road to healing. And then, I'll wear it only if I want to wear it. I don't want to feel like one of those whores or compare myself to them.
He assured me that he didn't compare me in any way and that he wants me as I am. I began to believe him. After all, his desire for me was apparent.
I also realized that the lingerie may keep his thoughts too focused on sex at a time when he needs to cool it with fantasy.
And I think these realizations show great progress and personal growth on my part. I burst out of co-addict mode and started thinking more about myself and my needs.
But some unexpected complications have arisen, which still bother me.
A few days ago, he told me that he didn't like much of the lingerie that I'd bought. I know that honesty is important, but, still, I was crushed. I'd bought a pair of feathery stiletto heels. He doesn't like them. He said he likes the kind "with straps around the ankles." I'd bought a body stocking. He doesn't like it--and yet he had some photos of other women wearing them. He doesn't like a light blue lingerie outfit I purchased, because he dislikes the "faded" color and the fact that the bra part is padded. He's unsure about what he thinks about the rest. Out of all of it, he only likes a couple of things.
That temporarily sent me into comparison mode again, but I quickly pulled myself back to reality and got those thoughts in check. I'm not going to beat up on myself or compare myself to those fake, photoshopped women who've had tons of plastic surgery.
But is he comparing me?
I didn't think so at first, but I'm sitting here tonight thinking that maybe porn did make him more critical of me. In fact, it goes beyond lingerie. He has been critical about nearly everything I've worn these past few weeks. I got a sexy, low cut shirt from zaftique.com and I wore it with a black skirt. I felt beautiful in the outfit and drew many stares--even from the young guys--when I went out. He said he likes the shirt but dislikes it with the skirt. And then the other day, he mentioned that he always thinks I'm sexy except for when I "wear those ugly bags."
"What bags?" I asked.
He dug into my laundry basket and withdrew one of my housedresses. "These, old lady gowns" he said.
I was hurt, but tried not to show it.
"Well what do you expect me to do, go outside in a corset when I take out the dogs?" I asked.
The next night, I wore a short t-shirt like gown to sleep in--not exactly sexy, but much sexier than my housedresses. I asked him if this is what he considers an "old lady gown."
"Yes," he said.
I shook my head, baffled. I've never seen an old lady wear something like that.
I was so upset that I spoke about this with my son (not about the lingerie, but about the sexy clothes my husband wants me to wear in general). My son was aghast. His reaction was "Why in the world is he suddenly so critical of you? He's an overweight, middle-aged, balding man who doesn't give a damn about how he looks or dresses. It's unrealistic for him to expect you to look sexy all the time."
I think so too, and that's what's bothering me. I'm at a loss about how to deal with this, and I wonder if it has something to do with his porn addiction. My husband has never been overly critical of my clothes before. Perhaps he is having a difficult time differentiating between fantasy and reality.
In reality women don't look like that--and they certainly don't look sexy all the time.
I've always dressed very nice when I go out, better than most people I see. I usually always wear a dress, jewelry, and high heels, but when I'm home, comfort rules and I dress casually. What does he want me to do--serve up dinner in sheer babydoll lingerie when the kids are living at home?
I'm confused about all of this.
I was in full co-addict mode.
At first, I obsessed over these issues. I quit eating and lost 20 pounds in 30 days. I ordered all kinds of sexy clothes and lingerie in order to make him want me and to see that I was just as sexy and desirable as his porn chicks.
And then something dawned on me --I was acting crazy. What was I doing? He needed to want me as I am for who I am, and I fully believe that he does want and desire me.
I also realized that putting on that sexy lingerie was making me feel bad deep inside, because it was reminding me of the other women at a time when the pain was raw. I have nothing against sexy lingerie, but I've decided that I'm not going to wear it until this pain is past and we're on the road to healing. And then, I'll wear it only if I want to wear it. I don't want to feel like one of those whores or compare myself to them.
He assured me that he didn't compare me in any way and that he wants me as I am. I began to believe him. After all, his desire for me was apparent.
I also realized that the lingerie may keep his thoughts too focused on sex at a time when he needs to cool it with fantasy.
And I think these realizations show great progress and personal growth on my part. I burst out of co-addict mode and started thinking more about myself and my needs.
But some unexpected complications have arisen, which still bother me.
A few days ago, he told me that he didn't like much of the lingerie that I'd bought. I know that honesty is important, but, still, I was crushed. I'd bought a pair of feathery stiletto heels. He doesn't like them. He said he likes the kind "with straps around the ankles." I'd bought a body stocking. He doesn't like it--and yet he had some photos of other women wearing them. He doesn't like a light blue lingerie outfit I purchased, because he dislikes the "faded" color and the fact that the bra part is padded. He's unsure about what he thinks about the rest. Out of all of it, he only likes a couple of things.
That temporarily sent me into comparison mode again, but I quickly pulled myself back to reality and got those thoughts in check. I'm not going to beat up on myself or compare myself to those fake, photoshopped women who've had tons of plastic surgery.
But is he comparing me?
I didn't think so at first, but I'm sitting here tonight thinking that maybe porn did make him more critical of me. In fact, it goes beyond lingerie. He has been critical about nearly everything I've worn these past few weeks. I got a sexy, low cut shirt from zaftique.com and I wore it with a black skirt. I felt beautiful in the outfit and drew many stares--even from the young guys--when I went out. He said he likes the shirt but dislikes it with the skirt. And then the other day, he mentioned that he always thinks I'm sexy except for when I "wear those ugly bags."
"What bags?" I asked.
He dug into my laundry basket and withdrew one of my housedresses. "These, old lady gowns" he said.
I was hurt, but tried not to show it.
"Well what do you expect me to do, go outside in a corset when I take out the dogs?" I asked.
The next night, I wore a short t-shirt like gown to sleep in--not exactly sexy, but much sexier than my housedresses. I asked him if this is what he considers an "old lady gown."
"Yes," he said.
I shook my head, baffled. I've never seen an old lady wear something like that.
I was so upset that I spoke about this with my son (not about the lingerie, but about the sexy clothes my husband wants me to wear in general). My son was aghast. His reaction was "Why in the world is he suddenly so critical of you? He's an overweight, middle-aged, balding man who doesn't give a damn about how he looks or dresses. It's unrealistic for him to expect you to look sexy all the time."
I think so too, and that's what's bothering me. I'm at a loss about how to deal with this, and I wonder if it has something to do with his porn addiction. My husband has never been overly critical of my clothes before. Perhaps he is having a difficult time differentiating between fantasy and reality.
In reality women don't look like that--and they certainly don't look sexy all the time.
I've always dressed very nice when I go out, better than most people I see. I usually always wear a dress, jewelry, and high heels, but when I'm home, comfort rules and I dress casually. What does he want me to do--serve up dinner in sheer babydoll lingerie when the kids are living at home?
I'm confused about all of this.
Sexy Lingerie Store?
The evening started out great. We went to the Red Lobster for dinner. Afterward, we stopped by Priscilla's, a lingerie and sexy gift store, so that I could get some massage oil. After reading some articles about how to "spice things up," in a relationship, I'd told my husband that I wanted to give him a massage. And so we dropped by the store at his urging.
I have mixed feelings about going to a store like that right now. Deep in my mind, I wonder if he's oogling the many images of lingerie clad women on the boxes and packages throughout the store and if that was his purpose in wanting us to drop by.
Maybe I'm just being overly suspicious. But regardless of his purpose, in retrospect, I don't think it's a very good environment for him right now, and so I'm going to protest the next time he wants to go to that store. Looking back over the past few weeks, he has suggested a few times that we go to Priscilla's for various things.
Am I just being paranoid?
Anyway, we got home to find a message from his employer on the answering machine. My husband was supposed to be at work over an hour earlier. He didn't know. He'd mentally mixed up his schedule and thought he was off tonight. So our plans were ruined. He got dressed in his uniform and raced out the door.
This is a prime example of how stress from all that has been going on is taking a toll in our lives. My husband has never missed work and is rarely late. Unfortunately, it's a new job and he doesn't have much of a track record there. I just hope his boss understands.
I have mixed feelings about going to a store like that right now. Deep in my mind, I wonder if he's oogling the many images of lingerie clad women on the boxes and packages throughout the store and if that was his purpose in wanting us to drop by.
Maybe I'm just being overly suspicious. But regardless of his purpose, in retrospect, I don't think it's a very good environment for him right now, and so I'm going to protest the next time he wants to go to that store. Looking back over the past few weeks, he has suggested a few times that we go to Priscilla's for various things.
Am I just being paranoid?
Anyway, we got home to find a message from his employer on the answering machine. My husband was supposed to be at work over an hour earlier. He didn't know. He'd mentally mixed up his schedule and thought he was off tonight. So our plans were ruined. He got dressed in his uniform and raced out the door.
This is a prime example of how stress from all that has been going on is taking a toll in our lives. My husband has never missed work and is rarely late. Unfortunately, it's a new job and he doesn't have much of a track record there. I just hope his boss understands.
A Needed Distraction
After my husband got home from work this morning, it was more of the same--the same argument, the same questions, the same accusations. Sometimes, it seems like we get nowhere. At other times, I come away from it feeling more sure about the relationship.
I do know that he loves me, wants me, and wants to make this work. I do know that he's trying very hard.
But sometimes, none of that is enough when I'm overcome with pain.
It dawned on me that part of the problem I have in dealing with this pain are thoughts of him looking at and fantasizing about those other women. I need to try to distract my mind from that and forget them. I'm just not sure how to. I used to find distraction in my work. I'm a professional novelist, and I've put that aside because of this. I also have an internet based graphic design company that I started a little over 3 years ago. I specialize in 3D artwork. But lately I haven't even wanted to do that, because I'm so depressed that I've withdrawn from life.
Nothing brings me joy like it used to.
This is grief, no doubt about it, and it's the worst grief I've ever felt. It's even worse than the grief I felt when I lost my job and all of my money a few years ago when my publisher broke his contract with me. It's worse than when we lost our beautiful home to a foreclosure in 2003 (as a result of that contract being broken). It's worse than what I felt when my aunt died this spring and how I felt the spring before when a close friend died in a car accident.
And when I shove it down and then try to work on 3D images of humans, the pain quickly rises to the top of the stack.
I'm disgusted now with doing any kind of beautiful 3D women figures as it reminds me of my husband's porn use. In fact, he brought that up once during an argument, saying he thought it made him feel as if looking at images of women was okay with me. I don't get that. I've created a few sexy images of women, but I've never thought of my 3D work as sexual. The brunt of my artwork has been fantasy art--such as fairies and elves. And to me, it's purely art. It's also a lame argument from him, because he knew I was against porn and even magazines like Sports Illustrated, because I thought they portray women as objects--not to mention the fact that if he didn't think his porn use was wrong that he wouldn't have hid it.
Anyway, since this happened I've focused mainly on toon art, because I can't deal with thoughts of beautiful women, and I've gotten far behind on my obligations to customers.
If that's not bad enough, I find myself jealous in a way that I wasn't before. I think about all of the relationships he's had at work during the past few years and wonder about them all, pick them to pieces, looking for clues of infidelity--even the friendships he has had with elderly women.
Why is this? Because he'd also started visiting porn sites revolving around older women, some even granny age, during the past year. I never even knew what the term MILF meant before this.
It all sounds insane. Crazy!
We went out for dinner the other night and encountered one of my husband's coworkers, a young and attractive brunette who greeted him warmly, all smiles, saying: "I thought that was you." I was immediately jealous and hated the familiar and friendly way she spoke to him. Adding to the feeling of jealousy was the fact that he didn't introduce me or even bother to tell me who she was until I asked later. And then he said: "I knew you were wondering."
This is a prime example of how I think he uses this whole thing to his advantage sometimes--likes to make me feel jealous for whatever reason, stoke up an argument, because he wants the passionate sex that usually follows. Maybe I'm wrong on that, but it sure looks like he goes out of his way to keep the jealousy flowing.
Anyway, I've got to get over this. I've got to reclaim my life and stop dwelling on what he did and start focusing on healing.
I read somewhere that it can take up to 8 months, maybe even longer, for a woman to get over the pain of discovering that her husband is an internet porn addict. I'm not surprised. I guess, all we can do is take this one day at a time. It does seem to be getting just a little bit better each day.
I do know that he loves me, wants me, and wants to make this work. I do know that he's trying very hard.
But sometimes, none of that is enough when I'm overcome with pain.
It dawned on me that part of the problem I have in dealing with this pain are thoughts of him looking at and fantasizing about those other women. I need to try to distract my mind from that and forget them. I'm just not sure how to. I used to find distraction in my work. I'm a professional novelist, and I've put that aside because of this. I also have an internet based graphic design company that I started a little over 3 years ago. I specialize in 3D artwork. But lately I haven't even wanted to do that, because I'm so depressed that I've withdrawn from life.
Nothing brings me joy like it used to.
This is grief, no doubt about it, and it's the worst grief I've ever felt. It's even worse than the grief I felt when I lost my job and all of my money a few years ago when my publisher broke his contract with me. It's worse than when we lost our beautiful home to a foreclosure in 2003 (as a result of that contract being broken). It's worse than what I felt when my aunt died this spring and how I felt the spring before when a close friend died in a car accident.
And when I shove it down and then try to work on 3D images of humans, the pain quickly rises to the top of the stack.
I'm disgusted now with doing any kind of beautiful 3D women figures as it reminds me of my husband's porn use. In fact, he brought that up once during an argument, saying he thought it made him feel as if looking at images of women was okay with me. I don't get that. I've created a few sexy images of women, but I've never thought of my 3D work as sexual. The brunt of my artwork has been fantasy art--such as fairies and elves. And to me, it's purely art. It's also a lame argument from him, because he knew I was against porn and even magazines like Sports Illustrated, because I thought they portray women as objects--not to mention the fact that if he didn't think his porn use was wrong that he wouldn't have hid it.
Anyway, since this happened I've focused mainly on toon art, because I can't deal with thoughts of beautiful women, and I've gotten far behind on my obligations to customers.
If that's not bad enough, I find myself jealous in a way that I wasn't before. I think about all of the relationships he's had at work during the past few years and wonder about them all, pick them to pieces, looking for clues of infidelity--even the friendships he has had with elderly women.
Why is this? Because he'd also started visiting porn sites revolving around older women, some even granny age, during the past year. I never even knew what the term MILF meant before this.
It all sounds insane. Crazy!
We went out for dinner the other night and encountered one of my husband's coworkers, a young and attractive brunette who greeted him warmly, all smiles, saying: "I thought that was you." I was immediately jealous and hated the familiar and friendly way she spoke to him. Adding to the feeling of jealousy was the fact that he didn't introduce me or even bother to tell me who she was until I asked later. And then he said: "I knew you were wondering."
This is a prime example of how I think he uses this whole thing to his advantage sometimes--likes to make me feel jealous for whatever reason, stoke up an argument, because he wants the passionate sex that usually follows. Maybe I'm wrong on that, but it sure looks like he goes out of his way to keep the jealousy flowing.
Anyway, I've got to get over this. I've got to reclaim my life and stop dwelling on what he did and start focusing on healing.
I read somewhere that it can take up to 8 months, maybe even longer, for a woman to get over the pain of discovering that her husband is an internet porn addict. I'm not surprised. I guess, all we can do is take this one day at a time. It does seem to be getting just a little bit better each day.
Sunday, June 10, 2007
Permanently Etched?
My husband went to work tonight and when he's gone, thoughts of his porn addiction always rises to the top of my mind. Hopefully, I won't let it get the best of me tonight.
One thing that's bothering me today is my husband's inability to take responsibility for what he did. He's still looking at me and what he perceives that I did wrong instead of at himself for what he did wrong. He still claims that I rejected him by not spending enough time with him, and that that's why he turned to porn.
Why can't he examine his failure to resist porn in the first place? If I wasn't meeting his needs, why can't he examine his reasons for not expressing this to me?
On top of that, thoughts of an argument we had late last night continue to dominate my mind. I'd told him that one of the porn sites he visited bothered me more than all of the others. For a while, I couldn't figure out why, but then it dawned one me. It's because the "star" of the site, and one he'd looked at often, looks so "ordinary," like anyone you'd meet on the street or at the grocery store, somehow making her seem more like a real woman to me. I told him that if he was interested in her, that he might be interested in just about any woman he met.
I know I shouldn't have, because it only brought me more pain, but I asked him what he liked about her as she wasn't very attractive. He said she has a "great ass."
Those words tore through my heart like a bullet.
I told him, "Now do you see what's wrong with that? You're sitting there telling me you like another woman's ass and yet, at the same time, you keep telling me that you only want me."
He just nodded and looked guilty.
It also bothers me that he remembered her name, and I told him that.
To that, he said: "Well, it hasn't been too long."
No. I suppose it hasn't been. But the one thing that gives my heart some comfort is the hope that he'll forget these images eventually. Won't he? Or are they permanently etched in his brain?
One thing that's bothering me today is my husband's inability to take responsibility for what he did. He's still looking at me and what he perceives that I did wrong instead of at himself for what he did wrong. He still claims that I rejected him by not spending enough time with him, and that that's why he turned to porn.
Why can't he examine his failure to resist porn in the first place? If I wasn't meeting his needs, why can't he examine his reasons for not expressing this to me?
On top of that, thoughts of an argument we had late last night continue to dominate my mind. I'd told him that one of the porn sites he visited bothered me more than all of the others. For a while, I couldn't figure out why, but then it dawned one me. It's because the "star" of the site, and one he'd looked at often, looks so "ordinary," like anyone you'd meet on the street or at the grocery store, somehow making her seem more like a real woman to me. I told him that if he was interested in her, that he might be interested in just about any woman he met.
I know I shouldn't have, because it only brought me more pain, but I asked him what he liked about her as she wasn't very attractive. He said she has a "great ass."
Those words tore through my heart like a bullet.
I told him, "Now do you see what's wrong with that? You're sitting there telling me you like another woman's ass and yet, at the same time, you keep telling me that you only want me."
He just nodded and looked guilty.
It also bothers me that he remembered her name, and I told him that.
To that, he said: "Well, it hasn't been too long."
No. I suppose it hasn't been. But the one thing that gives my heart some comfort is the hope that he'll forget these images eventually. Won't he? Or are they permanently etched in his brain?
Counselor First Appointment
We went to see the counselor for the first time last night. She was a very nice person with an ability to make one feel at ease, but I'm having second thoughts about seeing her again. For one thing, she doesn't seem to know much or anything about internet porn addiction. That much was obvious from the start when she issued the cliche excuse: "Men are very visual." Every time I hear this, I think, What does that have to do with my husband secretly taking his sexual needs elsewhere and betraying my trust?
She then asked us each a zillion questions about our backgrounds, jobs, family, and childhood and learned that we were both from abusive homes.
She concluded that that was the brunt of the issue here and that we must begin with therapy in that area. She specificly said: "There is a problem here, but porn is not the issue, and we must address things that happened to both of you when you were children. Then we can move on with marriage counseling."
I'm just so disgusted with this. This is not what I wanted. I dealt with issues from my childhood years ago, and I don't wish to call up those old demons again. My husband feels the same way about his childhood.
What I do want to deal with is my husband's overzealous sexual needs and desire to hide thousands of porn files on his computer, even though he violated his vows to me and risked our relationship with his behavior. I don't believe those issues had anything to do with his childhood.
I'm not convinced that childhood is the cause of everyone's woes in life, and I think a lot of people use it as an excuse for bad behavior. I think it's just a way to peg a problem on something else instead of taking responsibility for one's actions. And I think psychologists often use it as an excuse to make more money off their clients by extending therapy time and the number of office visits. Don't forget, they're making $85.00-$100.00 a pop. And wow, there's an opportunity to make double that if the wife and husband are going to therapy.
Maybe some people did use porn to escape pain in childhood, but, unlike most porn addicts, my husband was never interested in porn and didn't get hooked in childhood. Sure, he saw a couple of Playboys from time to time when he was a teenager, but he left it behind and felt no compulsion to look at such material again--not until 7 years ago that is.
Why do I think he did it? Because it was there, in large quantity, was free, and easy to access, and it turned him on. And after it did, it was hard to quit, because he liked it and it was so available--didn't even cost him a dime. I think he liked it so much, in fact, that he left me and his guilt behind. I think his morals and values slipped beneath his lust.
I smoke, and I certainly can't blame that on childhood pain. I smoke because way back when I tried it, I liked it, repeated it, and got addicted in the process. And the amount of cigarettes I needed to sustain that addiction has increased over the years. What's more, I have a hard time giving it up, not because I still like it, but because of the chemical changes it has done to my body. This is what I think describes a porn addiction. A person sees it, masturbates, has a chemical change in the brain not unlike that of crack cocaine use, repeats it, and gets hooked pretty quickly.
How is digging up my husband's childhood going to help with that? How is digging up my childhood going to help with the pain I feel over my husband's addiction?
I feel that this counselor has no idea how hurt I've been about my husband's porn use or how destructive it has been in our relationship. I think porn might have damanged his perceptions about women and sex and possibly opened up a desire to take his sexual needs outside of our marriage. Hopefully, I'm wrong about these things. But whether I am or not, nothing in my childhood is causing me to have these thoughts and this pain. My pain comes from what my husband did and from the resulting trust issues he created by lying to me for all of those years.
My husband thinks we should see the counselor at least one more time. He's welcome to do so if he wishes, but I want to think about it. I don't relish the thought of us both having to see her once a week. This is time that we could be spending together and working out our marriage problems. She, of course, pressed me into an appointment next week, even said she'd pick me up for it (I don't drive due to vision problems.). So now, I'm wondering what to tell her if I decide not to continue the treatment.
She then asked us each a zillion questions about our backgrounds, jobs, family, and childhood and learned that we were both from abusive homes.
She concluded that that was the brunt of the issue here and that we must begin with therapy in that area. She specificly said: "There is a problem here, but porn is not the issue, and we must address things that happened to both of you when you were children. Then we can move on with marriage counseling."
I'm just so disgusted with this. This is not what I wanted. I dealt with issues from my childhood years ago, and I don't wish to call up those old demons again. My husband feels the same way about his childhood.
What I do want to deal with is my husband's overzealous sexual needs and desire to hide thousands of porn files on his computer, even though he violated his vows to me and risked our relationship with his behavior. I don't believe those issues had anything to do with his childhood.
I'm not convinced that childhood is the cause of everyone's woes in life, and I think a lot of people use it as an excuse for bad behavior. I think it's just a way to peg a problem on something else instead of taking responsibility for one's actions. And I think psychologists often use it as an excuse to make more money off their clients by extending therapy time and the number of office visits. Don't forget, they're making $85.00-$100.00 a pop. And wow, there's an opportunity to make double that if the wife and husband are going to therapy.
Maybe some people did use porn to escape pain in childhood, but, unlike most porn addicts, my husband was never interested in porn and didn't get hooked in childhood. Sure, he saw a couple of Playboys from time to time when he was a teenager, but he left it behind and felt no compulsion to look at such material again--not until 7 years ago that is.
Why do I think he did it? Because it was there, in large quantity, was free, and easy to access, and it turned him on. And after it did, it was hard to quit, because he liked it and it was so available--didn't even cost him a dime. I think he liked it so much, in fact, that he left me and his guilt behind. I think his morals and values slipped beneath his lust.
I smoke, and I certainly can't blame that on childhood pain. I smoke because way back when I tried it, I liked it, repeated it, and got addicted in the process. And the amount of cigarettes I needed to sustain that addiction has increased over the years. What's more, I have a hard time giving it up, not because I still like it, but because of the chemical changes it has done to my body. This is what I think describes a porn addiction. A person sees it, masturbates, has a chemical change in the brain not unlike that of crack cocaine use, repeats it, and gets hooked pretty quickly.
How is digging up my husband's childhood going to help with that? How is digging up my childhood going to help with the pain I feel over my husband's addiction?
I feel that this counselor has no idea how hurt I've been about my husband's porn use or how destructive it has been in our relationship. I think porn might have damanged his perceptions about women and sex and possibly opened up a desire to take his sexual needs outside of our marriage. Hopefully, I'm wrong about these things. But whether I am or not, nothing in my childhood is causing me to have these thoughts and this pain. My pain comes from what my husband did and from the resulting trust issues he created by lying to me for all of those years.
My husband thinks we should see the counselor at least one more time. He's welcome to do so if he wishes, but I want to think about it. I don't relish the thought of us both having to see her once a week. This is time that we could be spending together and working out our marriage problems. She, of course, pressed me into an appointment next week, even said she'd pick me up for it (I don't drive due to vision problems.). So now, I'm wondering what to tell her if I decide not to continue the treatment.
Saturday, June 9, 2007
Woke Up Crying
I had a terrible night. My husband was at work, and when he's away, my moods always take a dive, and I find myself hurt all over again as if the wounds that are trying to heal are torn open anew. I subconsciously search for answers, even reviewing the past and recalling things we said or did while he was hiding his dark porn secret; like the time that we watched the movie, The Pilot's Wife in January 2006. It's about a woman who learns, after her husband's death, that he had a secret side that she never suspected, another wife and kid in another country. I asked him this morning when he got home: "Didn't that movie shake you up at all, make you think twice about what you were doing to me in secret--make you think about quitting?" To these questions, he said, "No."
I don't understand this. You would think that, at the very least, it would have made him feel guilty about what he was doing behind my back. But it apparently had no affect on him and he continued--his porn use escalating to an all time high in 2006.
Backtracking though, I was down in the dumps last night, and I went downstairs to put the dogs out and my grown son, who's living at home and sleeping in our formal living room, asked me what's wrong with me, because he could tell that I was upset. I told him that I'm depressed, because my marriage may be over and that I'm having to face the reality that my husband may be a sex addict who will hurt me in the future and may even have affairs. To this my son said: "You aren't perfect either. You can be hard to live with me."
What? I was shocked that he said that. I can't even express how much his words hurt me. He was trivializing my pain once again. All through this, he has been acting as if I'm overreacting. He doesn't understand how I feel. He has no idea what's it like to live with, trust, and love someone for 26 years, only to have your whole world shattered. He has no idea what the pain of infidelity and deception is like.
I asked him why he's minimalizing my pain. He threw up his hands and yelled: "Conversation over."
Hurt, I told him that I'm never going to talk to him about this again.
I went upstairs, got in bed, and cried, thinking all kinds of terrible things that I can't even put into words today, wanting so badly to get out of this house where there is hostility and pain coming to me from every angle. I felt like my son nearly threw me over the edge.
I have three grown sons living at home, and that in itself can be stressful. We're all cooped up even though it's a big house, and my husband and I have little privacy. I wish that my sons weren't involved in this conflict in any way, but there's no way to hide it. They see the tears; they hear the arguments. Sometimes, to my horror, they jump in and unwittingly make things worse.
It seems like an impossible situation, adding stress to a relationship that's already volatile and fragile.
And I can say, with all honestly, that only one of my sons has been understanding and kind to me throughout this whole ordeal.
My husband and I discussed these things when he got home. We didn't argue. I didn't sleep much last night so I slept with him for a few hours.
And I woke up crying a little bit ago, having nightmares again about his porn ladies. I wish I could get a grip on my emotions.
Tonight, we have an appointment with the counselor, and I'm afraid--afraid that in some way, the counselor might make things worse. I don't know why I feel that way. Well, we'll find out.
I don't understand this. You would think that, at the very least, it would have made him feel guilty about what he was doing behind my back. But it apparently had no affect on him and he continued--his porn use escalating to an all time high in 2006.
Backtracking though, I was down in the dumps last night, and I went downstairs to put the dogs out and my grown son, who's living at home and sleeping in our formal living room, asked me what's wrong with me, because he could tell that I was upset. I told him that I'm depressed, because my marriage may be over and that I'm having to face the reality that my husband may be a sex addict who will hurt me in the future and may even have affairs. To this my son said: "You aren't perfect either. You can be hard to live with me."
What? I was shocked that he said that. I can't even express how much his words hurt me. He was trivializing my pain once again. All through this, he has been acting as if I'm overreacting. He doesn't understand how I feel. He has no idea what's it like to live with, trust, and love someone for 26 years, only to have your whole world shattered. He has no idea what the pain of infidelity and deception is like.
I asked him why he's minimalizing my pain. He threw up his hands and yelled: "Conversation over."
Hurt, I told him that I'm never going to talk to him about this again.
I went upstairs, got in bed, and cried, thinking all kinds of terrible things that I can't even put into words today, wanting so badly to get out of this house where there is hostility and pain coming to me from every angle. I felt like my son nearly threw me over the edge.
I have three grown sons living at home, and that in itself can be stressful. We're all cooped up even though it's a big house, and my husband and I have little privacy. I wish that my sons weren't involved in this conflict in any way, but there's no way to hide it. They see the tears; they hear the arguments. Sometimes, to my horror, they jump in and unwittingly make things worse.
It seems like an impossible situation, adding stress to a relationship that's already volatile and fragile.
And I can say, with all honestly, that only one of my sons has been understanding and kind to me throughout this whole ordeal.
My husband and I discussed these things when he got home. We didn't argue. I didn't sleep much last night so I slept with him for a few hours.
And I woke up crying a little bit ago, having nightmares again about his porn ladies. I wish I could get a grip on my emotions.
Tonight, we have an appointment with the counselor, and I'm afraid--afraid that in some way, the counselor might make things worse. I don't know why I feel that way. Well, we'll find out.
Friday, June 8, 2007
My Boundaries
A Letter to My husband
I must set boundaries in my life in order to find happiness. In my marriage, there are certain types of behavior that I will expect and others that I will not. Overstepping any of these boundaries will bring a certain guaranteed reaction, which I'm writing here so that you will know what to expect and what I expect of you.
1. I will not accept other women in our lives emotionally or physically, this includes porn images/models/celebrities. If this boundary is overstepped, I will seek a divorce and seek out happiness of my own. And though I may lose you, I will find me.
2. I will not tolerate suspicious behavior. In cases where there might be cause for suspicion, (such as you being late from work) I need to be given a heads up so that I won't think you're trying to hide something. Otherwise, I could obsess on what you're doing which will bring me great physical and mental pain. I choose happiness even if that will mean being without you.
3. I expect honesty. I expect to be told the truth about where you are, what you're doing, and what you've done. You are either in this marriage 100% or not. There is no 99%.
4. I choose to stay for now, as long as honesty and healing are present, and no suspicious behavior is present and if I'm doing all the right things in the marriage and you chose not to, then I know what I need to do. I will not play the victim.
5. If I choose not to have sex for whatever reason, then that is my decision. It has nothing to do with you or with love. Sex does not equal love. Love is the
bond and joy we find in each other beyond sex.
6. Though I take pride in my sexuality and womanhood, I will not dress like a hooker to try and compete with pornographic images and degrade myself merely because that's what I think you desire. I will not change to try and look like a whore or anyone else. I love me for who I am: I want only to be myself, as I am. And I hope that you love me for the qualities I have.
7. I will not take responsibility for your obsession with other women and porn. I will not take your shit on as mine. I know when it is me and when it is you, and your porn addiction belongs to you. YOU made the decision to turn to porn and only YOU can decide not to turn to porn.
8. If it turns out that you can't get a grasp on your sex addiction or if you've acted out your fantasies in any other way outside of this marriage, such as having an affair, I would be happier living without you than with you. There will be no second chance. I can't bear this kind of hurt, pain, and deception, and I won't put up with it ever again.
9. I expect you to listen to me, hear me out, and to take what I say seriously. If I start to think that you're taking what I say with disregard or disrespect, then you are giving me the message that you are not committed to healing and are not committed to me.
I must set boundaries in my life in order to find happiness. In my marriage, there are certain types of behavior that I will expect and others that I will not. Overstepping any of these boundaries will bring a certain guaranteed reaction, which I'm writing here so that you will know what to expect and what I expect of you.
1. I will not accept other women in our lives emotionally or physically, this includes porn images/models/celebrities. If this boundary is overstepped, I will seek a divorce and seek out happiness of my own. And though I may lose you, I will find me.
2. I will not tolerate suspicious behavior. In cases where there might be cause for suspicion, (such as you being late from work) I need to be given a heads up so that I won't think you're trying to hide something. Otherwise, I could obsess on what you're doing which will bring me great physical and mental pain. I choose happiness even if that will mean being without you.
3. I expect honesty. I expect to be told the truth about where you are, what you're doing, and what you've done. You are either in this marriage 100% or not. There is no 99%.
4. I choose to stay for now, as long as honesty and healing are present, and no suspicious behavior is present and if I'm doing all the right things in the marriage and you chose not to, then I know what I need to do. I will not play the victim.
5. If I choose not to have sex for whatever reason, then that is my decision. It has nothing to do with you or with love. Sex does not equal love. Love is the
bond and joy we find in each other beyond sex.
6. Though I take pride in my sexuality and womanhood, I will not dress like a hooker to try and compete with pornographic images and degrade myself merely because that's what I think you desire. I will not change to try and look like a whore or anyone else. I love me for who I am: I want only to be myself, as I am. And I hope that you love me for the qualities I have.
7. I will not take responsibility for your obsession with other women and porn. I will not take your shit on as mine. I know when it is me and when it is you, and your porn addiction belongs to you. YOU made the decision to turn to porn and only YOU can decide not to turn to porn.
8. If it turns out that you can't get a grasp on your sex addiction or if you've acted out your fantasies in any other way outside of this marriage, such as having an affair, I would be happier living without you than with you. There will be no second chance. I can't bear this kind of hurt, pain, and deception, and I won't put up with it ever again.
9. I expect you to listen to me, hear me out, and to take what I say seriously. If I start to think that you're taking what I say with disregard or disrespect, then you are giving me the message that you are not committed to healing and are not committed to me.
My Promise To Myself
My promise to myself about my porn addicted husband.
If he ever deceives or hurts me again, I will leave him, divorce him and find happiness elsewhere. I will never let him do this to me again.
I will not be a victim to his overzealous sexuality on any level ever!
He needs to grow up and shape up now, and learn that there's more to life than sex or he's out.
If he ever deceives or hurts me again, I will leave him, divorce him and find happiness elsewhere. I will never let him do this to me again.
I will not be a victim to his overzealous sexuality on any level ever!
He needs to grow up and shape up now, and learn that there's more to life than sex or he's out.
Truly Afraid
I'm truly afraid of what the future holds.
Here are my concerns:
That he is a porn addict and won't stop
That he is a sex addict and will progress and act out
That he's obsessed with other women
That he might have had an affair or affairs or will have an affair
That I will be hurt again
That he has been permanently "damaged" by his porn use in some way, with altered perceptions about women and sex
That our marriage will never be the same
That I will never be able to trust him again
That I will never be able to forgive him
That our marriage will be ruined by his porn/sex addiction.
That he has grown adept at lying and deception and will continue to lie to me.
That he thinks my lack of sex drive was justification for cheating
That I might develop an illness in the future or have further difficulties with my sex drive, and he may return to cheating or deceptive behavior
That though he's sorry for the pain he caused, he doesn't fully appreciate what he did wrong.
That if diagnosed with a sex or porn addiction, he may use that as an excuse for inappropriate behavior that will hurt me.
Here are my concerns:
That he is a porn addict and won't stop
That he is a sex addict and will progress and act out
That he's obsessed with other women
That he might have had an affair or affairs or will have an affair
That I will be hurt again
That he has been permanently "damaged" by his porn use in some way, with altered perceptions about women and sex
That our marriage will never be the same
That I will never be able to trust him again
That I will never be able to forgive him
That our marriage will be ruined by his porn/sex addiction.
That he has grown adept at lying and deception and will continue to lie to me.
That he thinks my lack of sex drive was justification for cheating
That I might develop an illness in the future or have further difficulties with my sex drive, and he may return to cheating or deceptive behavior
That though he's sorry for the pain he caused, he doesn't fully appreciate what he did wrong.
That if diagnosed with a sex or porn addiction, he may use that as an excuse for inappropriate behavior that will hurt me.
Not Much Understanding
When I first discovered my husband's porn addiction, my whole world was crushed, and I found myself in one of the most severe cycles of pain, depression, and anger that I've ever experienced in my life. Yet, I didn't find much understanding among friends or family. I went online hoping to connect to others who've been through the same, but at first, I found hostility there.
My grown sons seemed to have the "all males do it" mentality, which, by the way, is a myth, and they couldn't understand my pain or what was wrong with what he'd done. Forget that he'd lied to me for many years and hid his secret. Forget that he'd forsaken the marriage vows he made to me and did something that equates to cheating. I felt betrayed, lied to, cheated, hurt, angry, scared, confused, worthless, and depressed.
I tried to explain my feelings to them but had difficulty getting through, but as the days passed and they saw my pain, they started realizing the impact this discovery had on me. I still don't think they totally "get" what he did wrong, but some progress has been made in this area.
Still, just yesterday my youngest son had the audacity to say that I'd "brought this all on myself." Brought it on myself? What doesn't he get? I'm not the one who had a secret porn addiction. I'm the victim here.
Of course, I've also considered the possibility that my sons may also have a porn addiction. I know they look at porn, but I can't even begin to know how to address such an issue at this time. I don't even know how to address the issue with my husband. So I've put it on a backburner for now.
Feeling desperate to connect to someone who understood, I told a close friend about the problem. She too had the "all males do it" mentality. She also offered up the second thing that people, sometimes even supposed experts, say about this problem: "Males are more visual and need greater visual stimulation." What a bunch of crap! I'm an artist. I have a great need and appreciation for visual things and very heightened visual hardwiring--but I sure as hell don't look at porn, and I don't need it for sexual stimulation. And I certainly wouldn't seek out anything if it would hurt my spouse and then hide it from him to boot.
My friend suggested that I make myself more sexy and available to him. I took her advice and did that at first, and it nearly drove me nuts as I started trying to compete with the porn images, spending a ton of money on sexy lingerie, clothes, and shoes.
That was the wrong course to take. It only made me feel worse about everything and made me feel cheap on some spiritual and mental level.
I've since stopped doing that and refuse to dress like a whore. Maybe in the future, I'll make an effort to look sexy for him if he's able to get this problem under control. But now is not the time for that. In fact, parading about like a whore in stockings and stilleto heels, may even help feed his addiction in some way, instead of helping him get it under control. This is because one of the first things a sex addict must do is get a grip on their fantasies.
As one psychologist told me, heating things up isn't at the core of the problem anyway and is irrelevant. My husband's problem is a sexual addiction caused from who knows what, perhaps something in his childhood, perhaps overbearing and controlling parents, and because he had those holes in him, porn only feed his underlying sex addiction and brought it to the core.
I know my friend was only trying to help. And I'm grateful that she was there for me. But her bad advice has pulled me away from our friendship these past few weeks. I don't know why. I guess I feel like I don't have the energy to commit to the friendship right now, and I don't want to discuss this problem with her anymore and my only other option would be to lie to her about why I've been so quiet.
Added to those experiences is an initial bad online experience I had at a popular marriage/infidelity forum where I posted about my discovery and hurt. Several of the members ganged up on me and attacked me as if I'd done something wrong. I never realized that porn use was under such hot debate. Most likely, some of those people are porn addicts as well and I nipped at something sensitive in them.
At any rate, I came away from that experience feeling worse than ever, certain that no one out there understood, and I was in a private hell. I'm sure that it helped to increase my ire and hurt as well and made everything much worse.
Whether one believes that porn is intrinsically wrong or not, there's something of major importance that the pro porn folks often overlook, and that is the spouse's feelings. I believe there is no room for secrecy, especially regarding sex, in a marriage. And to hide such use is wrong. I also believe that one should never do something that their spouse is opposed to. My husband knew I'd be opposed to him viewing porn or he wouldn't have felt a need to hide it. Also, what one's spouse believes is cheating IS CHEATING! Infidelity and cheating are a betrayal of the expectations you have of your partner, especially when it concerns sex or a relationship with another person.
Why is that so difficult for some people to understand?
So I really can't understand this virulent attack of the wounded spouse and defense of porn that is often seem on the internet.
Anyway, I found the answers I needed when I researched porn addictions online and came across some great message boards where there are caring and understanding people such as chatcheaters.com. There I found many other people who've suffered the pain of infidelity and are hurting just like me.
It's good to talk to someone who understands.
My grown sons seemed to have the "all males do it" mentality, which, by the way, is a myth, and they couldn't understand my pain or what was wrong with what he'd done. Forget that he'd lied to me for many years and hid his secret. Forget that he'd forsaken the marriage vows he made to me and did something that equates to cheating. I felt betrayed, lied to, cheated, hurt, angry, scared, confused, worthless, and depressed.
I tried to explain my feelings to them but had difficulty getting through, but as the days passed and they saw my pain, they started realizing the impact this discovery had on me. I still don't think they totally "get" what he did wrong, but some progress has been made in this area.
Still, just yesterday my youngest son had the audacity to say that I'd "brought this all on myself." Brought it on myself? What doesn't he get? I'm not the one who had a secret porn addiction. I'm the victim here.
Of course, I've also considered the possibility that my sons may also have a porn addiction. I know they look at porn, but I can't even begin to know how to address such an issue at this time. I don't even know how to address the issue with my husband. So I've put it on a backburner for now.
Feeling desperate to connect to someone who understood, I told a close friend about the problem. She too had the "all males do it" mentality. She also offered up the second thing that people, sometimes even supposed experts, say about this problem: "Males are more visual and need greater visual stimulation." What a bunch of crap! I'm an artist. I have a great need and appreciation for visual things and very heightened visual hardwiring--but I sure as hell don't look at porn, and I don't need it for sexual stimulation. And I certainly wouldn't seek out anything if it would hurt my spouse and then hide it from him to boot.
My friend suggested that I make myself more sexy and available to him. I took her advice and did that at first, and it nearly drove me nuts as I started trying to compete with the porn images, spending a ton of money on sexy lingerie, clothes, and shoes.
That was the wrong course to take. It only made me feel worse about everything and made me feel cheap on some spiritual and mental level.
I've since stopped doing that and refuse to dress like a whore. Maybe in the future, I'll make an effort to look sexy for him if he's able to get this problem under control. But now is not the time for that. In fact, parading about like a whore in stockings and stilleto heels, may even help feed his addiction in some way, instead of helping him get it under control. This is because one of the first things a sex addict must do is get a grip on their fantasies.
As one psychologist told me, heating things up isn't at the core of the problem anyway and is irrelevant. My husband's problem is a sexual addiction caused from who knows what, perhaps something in his childhood, perhaps overbearing and controlling parents, and because he had those holes in him, porn only feed his underlying sex addiction and brought it to the core.
I know my friend was only trying to help. And I'm grateful that she was there for me. But her bad advice has pulled me away from our friendship these past few weeks. I don't know why. I guess I feel like I don't have the energy to commit to the friendship right now, and I don't want to discuss this problem with her anymore and my only other option would be to lie to her about why I've been so quiet.
Added to those experiences is an initial bad online experience I had at a popular marriage/infidelity forum where I posted about my discovery and hurt. Several of the members ganged up on me and attacked me as if I'd done something wrong. I never realized that porn use was under such hot debate. Most likely, some of those people are porn addicts as well and I nipped at something sensitive in them.
At any rate, I came away from that experience feeling worse than ever, certain that no one out there understood, and I was in a private hell. I'm sure that it helped to increase my ire and hurt as well and made everything much worse.
Whether one believes that porn is intrinsically wrong or not, there's something of major importance that the pro porn folks often overlook, and that is the spouse's feelings. I believe there is no room for secrecy, especially regarding sex, in a marriage. And to hide such use is wrong. I also believe that one should never do something that their spouse is opposed to. My husband knew I'd be opposed to him viewing porn or he wouldn't have felt a need to hide it. Also, what one's spouse believes is cheating IS CHEATING! Infidelity and cheating are a betrayal of the expectations you have of your partner, especially when it concerns sex or a relationship with another person.
Why is that so difficult for some people to understand?
So I really can't understand this virulent attack of the wounded spouse and defense of porn that is often seem on the internet.
Anyway, I found the answers I needed when I researched porn addictions online and came across some great message boards where there are caring and understanding people such as chatcheaters.com. There I found many other people who've suffered the pain of infidelity and are hurting just like me.
It's good to talk to someone who understands.
What Was Sacred
Our intimate life, to me, was sacred. It was exclusive and off-limits to others, real or imagined. He was mine and I was his. What we had together in private was ours. I was the only one who should know him in that way, and I was the only person that he should know that way. Marital sex is the tie that physically binds two individuals together and creates a spiritual union which is sacred.
When I found out that my husband was collecting porn images and masturbating to them, I was crushed. He was sexually, mentally, and spiritually tying himself to anything with a vagina, big breasts, or sexy lingerie: giving away what was MINE! Our union was broken, shattered. That special intimacy which belonged only to us was no more. Our hideaway had been cheapened by him giving himself to others; his loyalty to me and our relationship thrown away as though it had little or no value to him. What he wanted from our union, he could find on any porn site.
There was now nothing left that was uniquely ours as a married couple. We were just two people living together, sharing space. It killed me. Day after day the pain of the reality that our marriage would never be the same again and that something precious was forever lost, swept over me like sea billows.
May 2007
When I found out that my husband was collecting porn images and masturbating to them, I was crushed. He was sexually, mentally, and spiritually tying himself to anything with a vagina, big breasts, or sexy lingerie: giving away what was MINE! Our union was broken, shattered. That special intimacy which belonged only to us was no more. Our hideaway had been cheapened by him giving himself to others; his loyalty to me and our relationship thrown away as though it had little or no value to him. What he wanted from our union, he could find on any porn site.
There was now nothing left that was uniquely ours as a married couple. We were just two people living together, sharing space. It killed me. Day after day the pain of the reality that our marriage would never be the same again and that something precious was forever lost, swept over me like sea billows.
May 2007
Trouble Getting Help
I took a positive step yesterday. Realizing that we aren't doing better and keep going back to square one in our arguments, I made an appointment for us to see a counselor, but I'm sitting here this morning, worried about it. Why? Because I have no idea who this woman is or what her experience is in treating a problem like this. I think it's vital that whoever we see has knowledge and experience in dealing with sexual and/or porn addictions, preferably a certification in the subject (CSAT for short.).
We live in a small city and only a few psychologists are listed in the Yellow Pages. I called several and asked if they had experience in treating sex addiction or internet porn addiction. The answers were unanimously negative. I left a query on a reputable psychologist's answering machine, and she called me back, recommending a woman in town. I called the woman and made an appointment for Saturday. And then, I went online to check her out and found nothing.
Now I'm asking myself: "Who is she? What are her qualifications?" I find it suspicious that she's supposedly an expert in porn addiction when she doesn't even have an online presence.
I discussed these issues with my husband, and he agreed. We decided that if we don't like her, we don't have to see her again.
There is a psychologist online whom I'm very impressed with who offers treatment via telephone, but I doubt that our insurance will pay for it. In addition to the treatment fees, which are $85.00 to $100.00 a pop, we'd have the added charge of long distance phone bills. Still, he may be our only option if this other counselor isn't what we're hoping for.
We live in a small city and only a few psychologists are listed in the Yellow Pages. I called several and asked if they had experience in treating sex addiction or internet porn addiction. The answers were unanimously negative. I left a query on a reputable psychologist's answering machine, and she called me back, recommending a woman in town. I called the woman and made an appointment for Saturday. And then, I went online to check her out and found nothing.
Now I'm asking myself: "Who is she? What are her qualifications?" I find it suspicious that she's supposedly an expert in porn addiction when she doesn't even have an online presence.
I discussed these issues with my husband, and he agreed. We decided that if we don't like her, we don't have to see her again.
There is a psychologist online whom I'm very impressed with who offers treatment via telephone, but I doubt that our insurance will pay for it. In addition to the treatment fees, which are $85.00 to $100.00 a pop, we'd have the added charge of long distance phone bills. Still, he may be our only option if this other counselor isn't what we're hoping for.
Porn and Sexual Addictions
All day long, while he was at work yesterday, the thought that he'd lied to me for seven years stayed on my mind. I kept asking myself how he could have lied to me for so long without a bit of guilt--one day one issue will plague my mind, like the sexy photos of Monica Belluci, the blonde in the see through body stocking, or the big tit fetish sites he visited, and the next day, my thoughts will focus mainly on the betrayal.
His denial the night before about having a porn addiction stayed on my mind as well. We'd already established that he had a problem so why he was suddenly denying it again confused me. And so I wrote down the reasons why I believe he has a porn addiction.
1. He lied about it and hid it for years, keeping it a dark secret known only to him.
2. He not only saved it, but carefully organized it, and backed it up many times
as if it was precious to him on CD Rewritables, multiple harddrives and computers.
3. He never once thought about giving it up until his secret was discovered. He was so consumed that, by his own admission, giving it up wasn't even an option that ever entered his mind.
4. He did it even knowing it would hurt me if I discovered it, putting our marriage and relationship at risk.
5. He was often irritable and in a hurry to get up to the bedroom in the evening instead of spending time with me.
6. He formed a tolerance and felt no guilt for what he was doing.
7. He compromised his morals, values, and vows made to me.
8. He even resorted to stealing lingerie catalogs addressed to me and hiding them.
9. His use shows the classic signs of escalation over time. What's more, he sought more and more drastic things, including fetish and bondage pics.
10. He withdrew emotionally from me and his family while putting his energy into porn and masturbation.
11. He couldn't leave it. He kept going back to it.
12. I'd noticed, for the past few years, that he treated women very negatively when we were out. I began to think that he was a woman hater and even mentioned my suspicions to my sons a couple of times.
When he got home, we had another argument, and I discussed my angst over this betrayal, telling him that he'd doubtlessly became adept at lying after doing it for seven years. Of course, he denies it. He always denies it. As for how he could have kept doing it, even knowing it would hurt and upset me, he said that he didn't know I'd be "this" upset about it. Then why did he hide it so well. Why did he hide it at all?
I read him the list I'd written about why I believe he has a porn addiction. He didn't deny any of it, yet still seems to downplay what he did. I still believe that, though he knows he hurt me and compromised our relationship, he doesn't realize the full significance of what he did or how terrible it is to keep a secret, especially involving sex, to your spouse.
Later, we went over some informative articles and tests I'd downloaded online about sexual addictions, and he took some self-tests and came away from it thinking that maybe he does have a problem.
We wound up the argument the way we always do, with sex. He was very sexual today...wanting sex no fewer than 4 times. We watched a movie on the couch in between and he had his hands all over me as if he couldn't get enough.
And today, I'm sitting here thinking that that doesn't seem quite normal either. It just seems a little excessive. Yes, I believe he has a sexual addiction, in addition to the porn addiction, and that the porn addiction was only one facet of that. I read that sex addictions can be progressive, and I'm so scared, because it may very well cause me further pain in the future and ultimately destroy our relationship.
His denial the night before about having a porn addiction stayed on my mind as well. We'd already established that he had a problem so why he was suddenly denying it again confused me. And so I wrote down the reasons why I believe he has a porn addiction.
1. He lied about it and hid it for years, keeping it a dark secret known only to him.
2. He not only saved it, but carefully organized it, and backed it up many times
as if it was precious to him on CD Rewritables, multiple harddrives and computers.
3. He never once thought about giving it up until his secret was discovered. He was so consumed that, by his own admission, giving it up wasn't even an option that ever entered his mind.
4. He did it even knowing it would hurt me if I discovered it, putting our marriage and relationship at risk.
5. He was often irritable and in a hurry to get up to the bedroom in the evening instead of spending time with me.
6. He formed a tolerance and felt no guilt for what he was doing.
7. He compromised his morals, values, and vows made to me.
8. He even resorted to stealing lingerie catalogs addressed to me and hiding them.
9. His use shows the classic signs of escalation over time. What's more, he sought more and more drastic things, including fetish and bondage pics.
10. He withdrew emotionally from me and his family while putting his energy into porn and masturbation.
11. He couldn't leave it. He kept going back to it.
12. I'd noticed, for the past few years, that he treated women very negatively when we were out. I began to think that he was a woman hater and even mentioned my suspicions to my sons a couple of times.
When he got home, we had another argument, and I discussed my angst over this betrayal, telling him that he'd doubtlessly became adept at lying after doing it for seven years. Of course, he denies it. He always denies it. As for how he could have kept doing it, even knowing it would hurt and upset me, he said that he didn't know I'd be "this" upset about it. Then why did he hide it so well. Why did he hide it at all?
I read him the list I'd written about why I believe he has a porn addiction. He didn't deny any of it, yet still seems to downplay what he did. I still believe that, though he knows he hurt me and compromised our relationship, he doesn't realize the full significance of what he did or how terrible it is to keep a secret, especially involving sex, to your spouse.
Later, we went over some informative articles and tests I'd downloaded online about sexual addictions, and he took some self-tests and came away from it thinking that maybe he does have a problem.
We wound up the argument the way we always do, with sex. He was very sexual today...wanting sex no fewer than 4 times. We watched a movie on the couch in between and he had his hands all over me as if he couldn't get enough.
And today, I'm sitting here thinking that that doesn't seem quite normal either. It just seems a little excessive. Yes, I believe he has a sexual addiction, in addition to the porn addiction, and that the porn addiction was only one facet of that. I read that sex addictions can be progressive, and I'm so scared, because it may very well cause me further pain in the future and ultimately destroy our relationship.
Thursday, June 7, 2007
Excuses, Excuses
My husband has made countless excuses about why he turned to porn. Here are some of them. They seem to change from day to day.
1. I wasn't having sex often enough for him
I admit that I wasn't. I have a severe hormone problem caused from PCOS and early ovarian decline, and I lost my sex drive. I still had drive sporadically in 2001-2002, but by 2003 it was rare. By 2004, it was gone entirely and we were rarely having sex. But he knew the source of the problem and he knew I'd sought an endless number of doctors, trying to get help. We even went to Chicago in 2003 to a supposed PCOS specialist. It was a wasted trip. I came away from it feeling that I knew more about my disorder than the doctor.
Nothing seemed to work until I started taking Claritin in 2007--just before hell broke loose when I discovered the porn. Suddenly, my sex drive was strong again, seeming like some kind of divine miracle sent from above to save my marriage.
In all honesty, I don't see my lack of sex drive as an excuse anyway. A man should stand by his wife in sickness and in health--that was also a vow he made to me before God. It brings even more grief to my heart that he uses this as an excuse. I already felt bad enough about the illness. And sometimes I felt so physically ill that I thought about suicide.
I do regret, however, that I didn't worry more about his satisfaction and try other things. I was simply feeling too bad most of the time and suffered terrible depression to boot.
2. I was working too much and it seemed like he no longer had a wife.
In 2001, I got a demanding 3 year contract, that required me to work 80-100 hours a week at home, but it was for a lofty sum of money, and he knew it would be difficult for both of us. We both thought it worth it at the time. It hurts me very much that he was unfaithful to me at a time when I needed his support to get through that hell of a contract.
I don't think I'd ever work that many hours again, no matter how much money I'm offered. It was destructive in many areas of my life and we came away from the contract more broke than before I made all of that money.
3. I hurt him when I chased after guys years ago.
I never did, and I never had an affair in the 25 years we've been married, or in the year we dated before we were married. I was attracted to a coworker when I was 19 and working in grocery store. I had had a baby a few months before, and was feeling tied down. I think some of this attraction was postnatal depression speaking. It never went further than casual conversation. We were never alone outside of work.
4. I wasn't responsive enough when we had sex and sometimes made faces.
That might be true. I had no sex drive or desire, and he knew why. I was sick and wanted, more than anything, just to get it over with.
5. He was merely substituting me. Yeah, right then why didn't he use my photo? This hurts on another level too, because it makes me seem like a replacable object instead of the unique person I am.
6. I was always in my office on my computer (after the contract).
That's true too. After the demanding contract, we found ourselves in financial straits. We'd lost all of the big money I'd made and had big debts. So I threw myself into starting my own online business. Yes, I should have spent more time with him. I realize that now. By that time, I was so used to being a workaholic that working just seemed normal. Then again, he could have told me that he wanted me to spend more time with him. He never did.
7. There was already porn on his computer when he got on.
Actually, it's possible as my kids are into gaming and sometimes game sites have porn popups or endless loops, but I don't think that accounts for his addiction. I believe he purposely sought porn out after getting turned on by lingerie ads when he was shopping for a gift for me. Ladies beware. Tell your husband not to give you lingerie gifts. Tell him you'll buy it yourself.
8. There were problems in our relationship, and he'd been unhappy for years.
This was a new one on me. I thought our relationship was fine. I considered us to be a close couple.
9. I made him feel rejected, unwanted
I don't feel that I ever gave him cause to feel rejected or unwanted. I think he took the lack of sex as rejection on some personal level even though he knew I had a medical condition.
In many ways this hurts me, because it tells me that he really didn't understand the severity of my disorder.
Anyway, do you notice a pattern here? There's little to no looking at himself or taking responsibility for what he did. Even if all of the above is true, that doesn't excuse what he did. There is no excuse for cheating on your spouse. And any problems we were having in our marriage should have been addressed. If he thought I was spending too much time on my computer, working, or not having sex often enough with him, he should have expressed how much these things bothered him. If he was having issues about things that happened in the past, again, he should have brought this up so that we could have sought marriage counseling.
Instead, he shut me out and turned to porn and got hooked on porn in the process, seriously wounding our relationship--possibly forever.
From what I understand, the inability to blame oneself is typical of a cheating spouse. They'll come up with all kinds of reasons to excuse themselves instead of taking responsibility for their actions.
1. I wasn't having sex often enough for him
I admit that I wasn't. I have a severe hormone problem caused from PCOS and early ovarian decline, and I lost my sex drive. I still had drive sporadically in 2001-2002, but by 2003 it was rare. By 2004, it was gone entirely and we were rarely having sex. But he knew the source of the problem and he knew I'd sought an endless number of doctors, trying to get help. We even went to Chicago in 2003 to a supposed PCOS specialist. It was a wasted trip. I came away from it feeling that I knew more about my disorder than the doctor.
Nothing seemed to work until I started taking Claritin in 2007--just before hell broke loose when I discovered the porn. Suddenly, my sex drive was strong again, seeming like some kind of divine miracle sent from above to save my marriage.
In all honesty, I don't see my lack of sex drive as an excuse anyway. A man should stand by his wife in sickness and in health--that was also a vow he made to me before God. It brings even more grief to my heart that he uses this as an excuse. I already felt bad enough about the illness. And sometimes I felt so physically ill that I thought about suicide.
I do regret, however, that I didn't worry more about his satisfaction and try other things. I was simply feeling too bad most of the time and suffered terrible depression to boot.
2. I was working too much and it seemed like he no longer had a wife.
In 2001, I got a demanding 3 year contract, that required me to work 80-100 hours a week at home, but it was for a lofty sum of money, and he knew it would be difficult for both of us. We both thought it worth it at the time. It hurts me very much that he was unfaithful to me at a time when I needed his support to get through that hell of a contract.
I don't think I'd ever work that many hours again, no matter how much money I'm offered. It was destructive in many areas of my life and we came away from the contract more broke than before I made all of that money.
3. I hurt him when I chased after guys years ago.
I never did, and I never had an affair in the 25 years we've been married, or in the year we dated before we were married. I was attracted to a coworker when I was 19 and working in grocery store. I had had a baby a few months before, and was feeling tied down. I think some of this attraction was postnatal depression speaking. It never went further than casual conversation. We were never alone outside of work.
4. I wasn't responsive enough when we had sex and sometimes made faces.
That might be true. I had no sex drive or desire, and he knew why. I was sick and wanted, more than anything, just to get it over with.
5. He was merely substituting me. Yeah, right then why didn't he use my photo? This hurts on another level too, because it makes me seem like a replacable object instead of the unique person I am.
6. I was always in my office on my computer (after the contract).
That's true too. After the demanding contract, we found ourselves in financial straits. We'd lost all of the big money I'd made and had big debts. So I threw myself into starting my own online business. Yes, I should have spent more time with him. I realize that now. By that time, I was so used to being a workaholic that working just seemed normal. Then again, he could have told me that he wanted me to spend more time with him. He never did.
7. There was already porn on his computer when he got on.
Actually, it's possible as my kids are into gaming and sometimes game sites have porn popups or endless loops, but I don't think that accounts for his addiction. I believe he purposely sought porn out after getting turned on by lingerie ads when he was shopping for a gift for me. Ladies beware. Tell your husband not to give you lingerie gifts. Tell him you'll buy it yourself.
8. There were problems in our relationship, and he'd been unhappy for years.
This was a new one on me. I thought our relationship was fine. I considered us to be a close couple.
9. I made him feel rejected, unwanted
I don't feel that I ever gave him cause to feel rejected or unwanted. I think he took the lack of sex as rejection on some personal level even though he knew I had a medical condition.
In many ways this hurts me, because it tells me that he really didn't understand the severity of my disorder.
Anyway, do you notice a pattern here? There's little to no looking at himself or taking responsibility for what he did. Even if all of the above is true, that doesn't excuse what he did. There is no excuse for cheating on your spouse. And any problems we were having in our marriage should have been addressed. If he thought I was spending too much time on my computer, working, or not having sex often enough with him, he should have expressed how much these things bothered him. If he was having issues about things that happened in the past, again, he should have brought this up so that we could have sought marriage counseling.
Instead, he shut me out and turned to porn and got hooked on porn in the process, seriously wounding our relationship--possibly forever.
From what I understand, the inability to blame oneself is typical of a cheating spouse. They'll come up with all kinds of reasons to excuse themselves instead of taking responsibility for their actions.
He's In Denial
We got into a big fight last night. I didn't think we'd go that route again, but we did. I wasn't even in that bad of a mood when he came home from work. I'm not even sure I can remember how it started this time, but I remember that his porn addiction was at the top of my mind, as always, and talk about it came up.
Among other things, I wanted to know how he could lie to me about it and hide it for seven years.
He never has an answer for that.
I also wanted to know if anything ever made him think twice about it or make him feel guilty, and if he ever thought about discontinuing it.
He said he sometimes felt guilty (before he'd said a bit at first but that the guilt quickly passed) and that he'd never considered quitting it before I discovered it.
And, like usual, he turned everything around and pointed an accusing finger at me. Basically, he thinks I had an affair when I was 19 (I'm 42 now), and he always brings that up as an excuse for everything he does. He also thinks I had an affair with at least two other men. I've never had an affair and resent these accusations. It infuriates me that he uses that as an excuse for his misbehavior.
When I tell him that I'm not responsible for his addiction, that I'm not the cause and that he had a choice about whether to look at porn or not, he says he's not accusing me, but his belief that I had these affairs led up to it and made him feel like a "consolation prize." God, I'm so sick of that term.
He's also in full denial that he has an addiction. He claims he can leave it and not return to it. He claims that he has no desire to go back to it. From all of my research into porn addiction, I can't believe that he can go cold turkey and never think of it again. I'd also contacted a psychologist specialized in porn addictions shortly after I discovered his porn stash, and he said there's no doubt in his mind that my husband has a porn addiction. Here's what he said: "Yes he is addicted to porn, which makes him a porn addict. That is not even a question. Keeping secrets, lying, emotional isolation, guilt, tolerance (guilt leaving after a time) and compromising his morals and values are all characteristics of a person consumed with addiction."
So I don't think we got anywhere with our argument. I think we've circled around again and are back where we started. I'm angry, hurt, and confused, and he's still denying that he even has a problem even though he knows that if he returns to porn our marriage is over.
Among other things, I wanted to know how he could lie to me about it and hide it for seven years.
He never has an answer for that.
I also wanted to know if anything ever made him think twice about it or make him feel guilty, and if he ever thought about discontinuing it.
He said he sometimes felt guilty (before he'd said a bit at first but that the guilt quickly passed) and that he'd never considered quitting it before I discovered it.
And, like usual, he turned everything around and pointed an accusing finger at me. Basically, he thinks I had an affair when I was 19 (I'm 42 now), and he always brings that up as an excuse for everything he does. He also thinks I had an affair with at least two other men. I've never had an affair and resent these accusations. It infuriates me that he uses that as an excuse for his misbehavior.
When I tell him that I'm not responsible for his addiction, that I'm not the cause and that he had a choice about whether to look at porn or not, he says he's not accusing me, but his belief that I had these affairs led up to it and made him feel like a "consolation prize." God, I'm so sick of that term.
He's also in full denial that he has an addiction. He claims he can leave it and not return to it. He claims that he has no desire to go back to it. From all of my research into porn addiction, I can't believe that he can go cold turkey and never think of it again. I'd also contacted a psychologist specialized in porn addictions shortly after I discovered his porn stash, and he said there's no doubt in his mind that my husband has a porn addiction. Here's what he said: "Yes he is addicted to porn, which makes him a porn addict. That is not even a question. Keeping secrets, lying, emotional isolation, guilt, tolerance (guilt leaving after a time) and compromising his morals and values are all characteristics of a person consumed with addiction."
So I don't think we got anywhere with our argument. I think we've circled around again and are back where we started. I'm angry, hurt, and confused, and he's still denying that he even has a problem even though he knows that if he returns to porn our marriage is over.
Wednesday, June 6, 2007
Porn Addiction?
Is porn addictive? I'm certain it is. Not only have I seen this happen with my husband, and I never thought it was possible for him to get hooked on porn as he was never interested in porn before the year 2000, but I've thrown myself into researching the topic since this happened.
Porn addiction is not uncommon, especially in this age of the internet when it's easy to access. Do a search on porn addiction and you'll see what I mean.
I've learned that porn is not only addictive but destructive to relationships, jobs, family and self .
It can lead one to having an affair as the user begins to want to act out his or her fantasies. It increases sex drive so that a user will start thinking sexually about people whom he or she never found attractive before. And worst of all, the user will start believing that sex is the most important thing in life--it's not, love is. It could also bring out sexual problems or dangerous desires (such as pedophilia) that the user never realized. Plus, it can consume someone so much that they have little or nothing left over to give their family or job. Getting their porn fix becomes the most important thing in their lives.
Porn brought out sexual addiction in my husband. Once exposed to porn, he couldn't leave it alone. He kept going back to it over a period of 7 years, and amassed thousands of images, which he carefully backed up on disks and on his laptop as well, and he hid it all from me.
Looking at his usage, I can see that it escalated quickly at times. He'd started looking at lingerie sites, and then celebrity sites and swimsuit sites, and then suddenly he was spending a lot of time on hardcore porn sites by 2001. In 2005-2006, his usage increased dramatically, and he started looking at bondage and various fetish sites.
Experts say that porn addicts usually always end up at bondage sites as their addiction progresses. Some even end up at child porn sites.
Yes, it's progressive and destructive. The user needs increasingly shocking images or material in order to continue to get "turned on." Eventually comes the sex chats or live interactive sex, and/or dating sites, and then secret meetings with strangers at Motel 6.
I hope it didn't go that far with my husband. He had a dark secret that no one knew about, and I'm convinced that he either had an affair or was on the verge of having one. There's a lot to suggest he did, but I haven't found solid proof, which is the only reason why I'm still with him today.
And even if he didn't have an affair, I'm so hurt from his obsession over other women and betrayal that often I think about ending our relationship of 26 years. What's more, whether he had an affair or not, since he damaged the trust in our relationship, I may always be suspicious and doubtful of his sincerity and honesty. Things will probably never be the same again. I grieve the relationship we once had.
He wants an answer from me...whether I agree that he will leave or stay. I can't, in all honesty, give him a definitive answer right now. I don't know if things are mendable or whether I'll ever get past this hurt. It has been over a month now, and it's still as raw as the day I discovered his secret.
Porn addiction is not uncommon, especially in this age of the internet when it's easy to access. Do a search on porn addiction and you'll see what I mean.
I've learned that porn is not only addictive but destructive to relationships, jobs, family and self .
It can lead one to having an affair as the user begins to want to act out his or her fantasies. It increases sex drive so that a user will start thinking sexually about people whom he or she never found attractive before. And worst of all, the user will start believing that sex is the most important thing in life--it's not, love is. It could also bring out sexual problems or dangerous desires (such as pedophilia) that the user never realized. Plus, it can consume someone so much that they have little or nothing left over to give their family or job. Getting their porn fix becomes the most important thing in their lives.
Porn brought out sexual addiction in my husband. Once exposed to porn, he couldn't leave it alone. He kept going back to it over a period of 7 years, and amassed thousands of images, which he carefully backed up on disks and on his laptop as well, and he hid it all from me.
Looking at his usage, I can see that it escalated quickly at times. He'd started looking at lingerie sites, and then celebrity sites and swimsuit sites, and then suddenly he was spending a lot of time on hardcore porn sites by 2001. In 2005-2006, his usage increased dramatically, and he started looking at bondage and various fetish sites.
Experts say that porn addicts usually always end up at bondage sites as their addiction progresses. Some even end up at child porn sites.
Yes, it's progressive and destructive. The user needs increasingly shocking images or material in order to continue to get "turned on." Eventually comes the sex chats or live interactive sex, and/or dating sites, and then secret meetings with strangers at Motel 6.
I hope it didn't go that far with my husband. He had a dark secret that no one knew about, and I'm convinced that he either had an affair or was on the verge of having one. There's a lot to suggest he did, but I haven't found solid proof, which is the only reason why I'm still with him today.
And even if he didn't have an affair, I'm so hurt from his obsession over other women and betrayal that often I think about ending our relationship of 26 years. What's more, whether he had an affair or not, since he damaged the trust in our relationship, I may always be suspicious and doubtful of his sincerity and honesty. Things will probably never be the same again. I grieve the relationship we once had.
He wants an answer from me...whether I agree that he will leave or stay. I can't, in all honesty, give him a definitive answer right now. I don't know if things are mendable or whether I'll ever get past this hurt. It has been over a month now, and it's still as raw as the day I discovered his secret.
Pain Triggers
I've only slept between 3-6 hours for the past month. I'd chucked this up to Claritin, but I now know that part of the cause is my inner turmoil and pain.
I woke up this morning around 4 AM upset from a nightmare that my husband sought women on a dating site. That possibility is always on my mind since I found cookies and HTML for four dating sites on his harddrive, but he denies it, saying he doesn't know how they got on his hard drive, because he'd never visited the sites and that, maybe, they were ads from a porn site. I've never fully swallowed that explanation and think he was beginning to shop around for sex as the sites were all in a certain time frame between January and April. I think that random ad cookies would have gone back much earlier as I'd brought up data from his harddrive going back to 1998 with a data recovery program.
Since that discovery, I've shoved the thought way down deep but it often rises to the surface as of its own free will.
Last night, the rest of the baggage rose to the surface as well and I was plagued with thoughts of him masturbating to Raquel and thousands of others. Pain riped through my heart. And though I thought the brunt of the fighting was over, I found myself in a nasty mood again and asking him the typical "How could you?" questions, punctuated by "I don't understand." I really don't understand how he could love me and want to be with them.
And I hate it how he says over and over that he "only wants me." Yeah, me and Eve and Desiree, and Raquel, and Sophia, and the Oriental bondage bitches, the numerous brunettes and big titted blondes with shaved twats, and all of the other flavors in between, that he was getting off to. I'm really not sure what triggered it all for me this time. I hadn't gotten much sleep the night before, and I realize that when I get tired logic takes a back seat to emotion.
Looking back through the past couple of days, I see other triggers as well. And though the days were fairly good, angst was surely building inside.
Sometimes I think he might purposely set me off on this, because perhaps he likes the attention and the sex we have after an argument. Or maybe I'm just reading too much into it and he's just unthinkingly slipping on his tongue.
Before we'd made love the other night, I mentioned that "I'm not going to dress like a whore in bed." I'll dress sexy if I wish to for me, but I'm not going to dress like a porn star and hold myself in competition with those sluts. He said something to the nature of that being fine with him. I mentioned how many of them were ugly. No response to that. And I added that I know I'm much better than the porn women anyway.
This, I honestly believe. People used to come up to me all the time and tell me that I'm the most beautiful woman that they'd ever seen. At 42, and even a bit overweight, I'm still beautiful and sexy and better looking than a lot of the sluts he was oogling that are half my age. And I'm beautiful without Photoshop enhancements, wigs, and a tit job.
But that's not enough. I want him to desire me over those whores, because somewhere in my pain-ladden mind, he wants them over me, and I can't shake that thought.
I realize that a lot of porn stars aren't even pretty and never would have been even in their prime. Some of them look hard and rough like hookers or junkies plucked off the street after an all night binge. Even Photoshop can't fix all the flaws, because the marrs run too deep and shine through the fake tits, makeup, and gausian blurs.
Anyway, back to the topic, to my comment about being better, he said nothing. That sunk deep into my mind and started gnawing. His lack of response told me that he disagreed and found them much more physically attractive and appealing than me.
The next day, we went to lunch at a Sports Bar--not because either of us are into sports, but because we like the food there. He mentioned how a coworker was complaining about her husband, saying that she claimed it was like she wasn't married during football season as her husband was always watching sports and never spent time with her.
Alarm, alarm, he shouldn't be talking to coworkers about their romantic relationships. Through my research I'd learned that discussing one's spousal troubles is often how affairs begin in the workplace, because emotional intimacy forms. And we agreed not to discuss marriage issues with those of the opposite sex, including coworkers and friends. We agreed on that boundary. Apparently he'd already overstepped it.
What else would he overstep?
I didn't mention that at the time, but that knowledge stayed in my conscious all day as late in the evening I told him that I'd prefer that my husband was a sports fanatic rather than a sex addict. In fact, I told him, other than alcohol and drugs, being married to a sex addict is the worst possible imaginable in a relationship. I'd actually rank it at the top--second only to being married to sociopath.
He had no response for that.
But it's true.
They say that there's no other pain as bad as the pain of infidelity. It's likened to the pain and grief of losing a child, which is supposed to be the worst grief of all.
I often think of Sylvia Plath and her sex addict husband and how she put her head in the oven and gassed herself to death. I understand the pain she felt now more than ever.
Of course, all of this had to be hurried as he had to go to class. He's having to take numerous work related classes right now, because he works in the medical field and he has to get various certifications every so often. Since he recently got a new job, they're making him take classes through August, in addition to his regular work load, and it's a real pain in the ass for us while we're going through all of this crap right now.
We need time together. We need to work this stuff out. But he must take this classes.
He wanted to have sex before he went to sleep, and I didn't want to, because I still had all of this baggage on my mind and the pain was heavy, but I went ahead and had sex with him. Today, I wish that I hadn't. I resent that I let him when I was feeling like that. I don't want to feel that I have to have sex with him in order to make sure he won't stray.
I woke up this morning around 4 AM upset from a nightmare that my husband sought women on a dating site. That possibility is always on my mind since I found cookies and HTML for four dating sites on his harddrive, but he denies it, saying he doesn't know how they got on his hard drive, because he'd never visited the sites and that, maybe, they were ads from a porn site. I've never fully swallowed that explanation and think he was beginning to shop around for sex as the sites were all in a certain time frame between January and April. I think that random ad cookies would have gone back much earlier as I'd brought up data from his harddrive going back to 1998 with a data recovery program.
Since that discovery, I've shoved the thought way down deep but it often rises to the surface as of its own free will.
Last night, the rest of the baggage rose to the surface as well and I was plagued with thoughts of him masturbating to Raquel and thousands of others. Pain riped through my heart. And though I thought the brunt of the fighting was over, I found myself in a nasty mood again and asking him the typical "How could you?" questions, punctuated by "I don't understand." I really don't understand how he could love me and want to be with them.
And I hate it how he says over and over that he "only wants me." Yeah, me and Eve and Desiree, and Raquel, and Sophia, and the Oriental bondage bitches, the numerous brunettes and big titted blondes with shaved twats, and all of the other flavors in between, that he was getting off to. I'm really not sure what triggered it all for me this time. I hadn't gotten much sleep the night before, and I realize that when I get tired logic takes a back seat to emotion.
Looking back through the past couple of days, I see other triggers as well. And though the days were fairly good, angst was surely building inside.
Sometimes I think he might purposely set me off on this, because perhaps he likes the attention and the sex we have after an argument. Or maybe I'm just reading too much into it and he's just unthinkingly slipping on his tongue.
Before we'd made love the other night, I mentioned that "I'm not going to dress like a whore in bed." I'll dress sexy if I wish to for me, but I'm not going to dress like a porn star and hold myself in competition with those sluts. He said something to the nature of that being fine with him. I mentioned how many of them were ugly. No response to that. And I added that I know I'm much better than the porn women anyway.
This, I honestly believe. People used to come up to me all the time and tell me that I'm the most beautiful woman that they'd ever seen. At 42, and even a bit overweight, I'm still beautiful and sexy and better looking than a lot of the sluts he was oogling that are half my age. And I'm beautiful without Photoshop enhancements, wigs, and a tit job.
But that's not enough. I want him to desire me over those whores, because somewhere in my pain-ladden mind, he wants them over me, and I can't shake that thought.
I realize that a lot of porn stars aren't even pretty and never would have been even in their prime. Some of them look hard and rough like hookers or junkies plucked off the street after an all night binge. Even Photoshop can't fix all the flaws, because the marrs run too deep and shine through the fake tits, makeup, and gausian blurs.
Anyway, back to the topic, to my comment about being better, he said nothing. That sunk deep into my mind and started gnawing. His lack of response told me that he disagreed and found them much more physically attractive and appealing than me.
The next day, we went to lunch at a Sports Bar--not because either of us are into sports, but because we like the food there. He mentioned how a coworker was complaining about her husband, saying that she claimed it was like she wasn't married during football season as her husband was always watching sports and never spent time with her.
Alarm, alarm, he shouldn't be talking to coworkers about their romantic relationships. Through my research I'd learned that discussing one's spousal troubles is often how affairs begin in the workplace, because emotional intimacy forms. And we agreed not to discuss marriage issues with those of the opposite sex, including coworkers and friends. We agreed on that boundary. Apparently he'd already overstepped it.
What else would he overstep?
I didn't mention that at the time, but that knowledge stayed in my conscious all day as late in the evening I told him that I'd prefer that my husband was a sports fanatic rather than a sex addict. In fact, I told him, other than alcohol and drugs, being married to a sex addict is the worst possible imaginable in a relationship. I'd actually rank it at the top--second only to being married to sociopath.
He had no response for that.
But it's true.
They say that there's no other pain as bad as the pain of infidelity. It's likened to the pain and grief of losing a child, which is supposed to be the worst grief of all.
I often think of Sylvia Plath and her sex addict husband and how she put her head in the oven and gassed herself to death. I understand the pain she felt now more than ever.
Of course, all of this had to be hurried as he had to go to class. He's having to take numerous work related classes right now, because he works in the medical field and he has to get various certifications every so often. Since he recently got a new job, they're making him take classes through August, in addition to his regular work load, and it's a real pain in the ass for us while we're going through all of this crap right now.
We need time together. We need to work this stuff out. But he must take this classes.
He wanted to have sex before he went to sleep, and I didn't want to, because I still had all of this baggage on my mind and the pain was heavy, but I went ahead and had sex with him. Today, I wish that I hadn't. I resent that I let him when I was feeling like that. I don't want to feel that I have to have sex with him in order to make sure he won't stray.
My Story--Discovery
I started this blog, because I'm struggling with my husband's porn addiction and possible sex addiction beyond that.
Here's my story.
For the past year I knew that something was wrong. My husband's attitude changed toward me. He seemed distant, withdrawn, and found fault more often. I suspected that he was having an affair, and he was working a lot of supposed "overtime." But, I never investigated, because I couldn't believe that he'd do something like that. And so I chucked all of the signs up to something else like work-related stress.
Then, on our 25th wedding anniversary on May 5, I discovered his porn addiction. The night before, I'd walked into the bedroom to find him masturbating to porn on his laptop. He quickly closed his laptop when he realized that I was in the room. I was in shock. I left the room, pretending that I didn't know what he was doing, and waited until he was at work the next day to see what all he was hiding.
To my shock, I discovered a collection of over 1,000 porn files on both of his computers going back 4 years. Each woman was carefully categorized and had a file with her name.
We got into a big fight when he got home the next day. He continued to lie to me, saying that he'd only been looking at porn for a year. He tried to blame me for it all, saying that I didn't have sex often enough with him. It's true that we rarely had sex during the past 3 years as I suffer from a hormone problem and lost my drive, but I thought that I was giving him enough sex until we could sort this hormone problem out. Still, I wasn't totally satisfied with that explanation and wondered if he'd had an affair in addition to hiding the porn.
He did say he was sorry and swore that he'd never do it again. I wasn't convinced. He'd wounded my trust.
A few days later, and after many more explosive fights, I found more of his precious porn files in a box in the attic. Some of these were much older, going back to 2001. I was totally shocked that he'd been looking at porn for seven years--much longer than I thought, and I was angry, because I'd told him to get rid of it all. This time, I thew his clothes out on the street. And when he got home, another big fight ensued.
But, through some miracle, I settled down later that night, and we talked--though we really got no where. But, in view of the fact that he'd lied to me for so long, I wondered what else he'd hidden from me. I thought of all of that overtime and became suspicious that he'd acted out and had a real life affair.
A few days later, I decided to have another look at his computer and see if there was any evidence of an affair. I installed a data recovery program only to find that he had nearly 10,000 porn files on his main harddrive. What's more I found cookies and HTML for 4 dating sites--two of which were purely sex dates.
He claims he never went to those dating sites, but I have proof he did. I think he was shopping around for a lover. I also think, though I found no evidence that he'd had an affair with someone he met online, that he might have had an affair with a coworker in the fall/winter as that's when I noticed the personality change. He also frequently made excuses to leave the house when I was asleep, such as to get blades for an exacto knife at the hardware store or to pick up something at the grocery store. I have no idea how long he was gone.
He denies having an affair, of course. Last night, we discussed this and I mentioned all of the "overtime," and how that was suspicious, and I promised him that if he'd had an affair, I'd find out. Well, he started acting antsy about taking out the trash later that night, and I suspected that there was something in it that he was trying to hide. I hunted through it today and found some pay stubs for August 2006 and they don't show much in the way of overtime. Suspicious that he'd hide these particular pay stubs in light of our discussion. Don't you think?
At any rate, he promised that he'd never look at porn again and I believe he's sorry that he hurt me. He's now reading a book about porn addiction that I purchased for him and he promises that he'll get counseling if we find it's necessary. But he continues to lie from time to time when I ask him questions.
Thinking I'd found the worst of the evidence, I found I was wrong a few days later. I looked through his bedside dresser and found a Fredrick's of Hollywood catalog tucked beneath some books and papers. He must have snatched it from the mail as it was addressed to me. When I asked him about it, he claimed that he'd forgotten the catalog was there, and yet, I'd gone through those drawers weeks ago, looking for some kind of evidence and didn't see it then. I know I wouldn't have missed it in light of this.
BTW, he also looks at celebrity websites and had tons of sexy photos of Raquel Welch and other stars on his computer (He spent the eve of our anniversary hunting for photos of her). Obviously he masturbated to those photos as well.
I'm certain that he has a very serious problem and yet he denies having a porn addiction. And he tells me over and over that I'm the only one he wants. I told him that his actions speak louder than words.
Since all of this happened, I've not been myself. Not only am I hurt and angry from his lies, betrayal, and lust for other women, but when he goes to work, I endlessly research sex addiction issues online. It's like I've suddenly had a crash course in sexual psychology and infidelity. I've also become a detective, going through his papers, his files, his folders, certain that there's some piece of evidence somewhere to prove that he had an affair or affairs.
It's like investigating him has become a compulsion for me,and I can't stop--even though I'm self-employed and my work has gotten far behind, and I've not cleaned the house in weeks. I already know the worst, and yet I'm certain there's more that he's hiding from me. I feel like I need to know every detail so that I can digest it and get it over with.
In addition, I've felt bad about myself as a woman since I discovered his fascination with young, slim, big busted women. I've never had huge breasts, and I'm overweight and middle-aged. I've been practically starving myself from a desire to lose weight so that I can look like the porn girls. I've lost about 20 pounds this past month. I feel totally inadequate as a woman even though I know the women he was looking at are all fake and airbrushed.
I've purchased a lot of lingerie and sexy clothes in hopes of making him want me over those women. And I know this is insane, but I can't stop trying to please him.
My moods seem to vary from overly sexual (and I've had a lot of sex with him since I discovered this as if I'm trying to compete with his fantasy ladies) to paranoid and angry and then back to hurt. We fight often--sometimes I say really mean things to him, because I want to hurt him for the hurt he has caused me.
When he's giving me attention and reassuring me, the pain lightens, but when he goes to work or does something without me, I become a basketcase all over again, thinking he's up to something.
I even think about suicide occasionally. And then the next minute I want to kick him out and divorce him, for lusting after other women and lying to me all this time. It kills me that I supported him most of the time that he was doing porn. When I was working hard, trying to make a future for us, he was cheating on me with these thousands of fantasy women.
The next minute, I'm afraid of losing what we had, and so I become the slut for him, putting on lingerie and all that jazz, trying to make sure he's sexually fulfilled so that he won't seek sex elsewhere.
It seems to be a circle of sex, suspicion, pain, and anger, and I just don't know how to deal with all of this. I keep telling myself that it will get better in time and I put off getting counseling in hopes that it will get better on its own. At the same time, I promise myself to get help if I don't snap out of this soon.
I realize that I'm very depressed. I feel like I'm on the verge of a complete breakdown. Maybe writing out my thoughts here will bring some sanity back to my life.
Here's my story.
For the past year I knew that something was wrong. My husband's attitude changed toward me. He seemed distant, withdrawn, and found fault more often. I suspected that he was having an affair, and he was working a lot of supposed "overtime." But, I never investigated, because I couldn't believe that he'd do something like that. And so I chucked all of the signs up to something else like work-related stress.
Then, on our 25th wedding anniversary on May 5, I discovered his porn addiction. The night before, I'd walked into the bedroom to find him masturbating to porn on his laptop. He quickly closed his laptop when he realized that I was in the room. I was in shock. I left the room, pretending that I didn't know what he was doing, and waited until he was at work the next day to see what all he was hiding.
To my shock, I discovered a collection of over 1,000 porn files on both of his computers going back 4 years. Each woman was carefully categorized and had a file with her name.
We got into a big fight when he got home the next day. He continued to lie to me, saying that he'd only been looking at porn for a year. He tried to blame me for it all, saying that I didn't have sex often enough with him. It's true that we rarely had sex during the past 3 years as I suffer from a hormone problem and lost my drive, but I thought that I was giving him enough sex until we could sort this hormone problem out. Still, I wasn't totally satisfied with that explanation and wondered if he'd had an affair in addition to hiding the porn.
He did say he was sorry and swore that he'd never do it again. I wasn't convinced. He'd wounded my trust.
A few days later, and after many more explosive fights, I found more of his precious porn files in a box in the attic. Some of these were much older, going back to 2001. I was totally shocked that he'd been looking at porn for seven years--much longer than I thought, and I was angry, because I'd told him to get rid of it all. This time, I thew his clothes out on the street. And when he got home, another big fight ensued.
But, through some miracle, I settled down later that night, and we talked--though we really got no where. But, in view of the fact that he'd lied to me for so long, I wondered what else he'd hidden from me. I thought of all of that overtime and became suspicious that he'd acted out and had a real life affair.
A few days later, I decided to have another look at his computer and see if there was any evidence of an affair. I installed a data recovery program only to find that he had nearly 10,000 porn files on his main harddrive. What's more I found cookies and HTML for 4 dating sites--two of which were purely sex dates.
He claims he never went to those dating sites, but I have proof he did. I think he was shopping around for a lover. I also think, though I found no evidence that he'd had an affair with someone he met online, that he might have had an affair with a coworker in the fall/winter as that's when I noticed the personality change. He also frequently made excuses to leave the house when I was asleep, such as to get blades for an exacto knife at the hardware store or to pick up something at the grocery store. I have no idea how long he was gone.
He denies having an affair, of course. Last night, we discussed this and I mentioned all of the "overtime," and how that was suspicious, and I promised him that if he'd had an affair, I'd find out. Well, he started acting antsy about taking out the trash later that night, and I suspected that there was something in it that he was trying to hide. I hunted through it today and found some pay stubs for August 2006 and they don't show much in the way of overtime. Suspicious that he'd hide these particular pay stubs in light of our discussion. Don't you think?
At any rate, he promised that he'd never look at porn again and I believe he's sorry that he hurt me. He's now reading a book about porn addiction that I purchased for him and he promises that he'll get counseling if we find it's necessary. But he continues to lie from time to time when I ask him questions.
Thinking I'd found the worst of the evidence, I found I was wrong a few days later. I looked through his bedside dresser and found a Fredrick's of Hollywood catalog tucked beneath some books and papers. He must have snatched it from the mail as it was addressed to me. When I asked him about it, he claimed that he'd forgotten the catalog was there, and yet, I'd gone through those drawers weeks ago, looking for some kind of evidence and didn't see it then. I know I wouldn't have missed it in light of this.
BTW, he also looks at celebrity websites and had tons of sexy photos of Raquel Welch and other stars on his computer (He spent the eve of our anniversary hunting for photos of her). Obviously he masturbated to those photos as well.
I'm certain that he has a very serious problem and yet he denies having a porn addiction. And he tells me over and over that I'm the only one he wants. I told him that his actions speak louder than words.
Since all of this happened, I've not been myself. Not only am I hurt and angry from his lies, betrayal, and lust for other women, but when he goes to work, I endlessly research sex addiction issues online. It's like I've suddenly had a crash course in sexual psychology and infidelity. I've also become a detective, going through his papers, his files, his folders, certain that there's some piece of evidence somewhere to prove that he had an affair or affairs.
It's like investigating him has become a compulsion for me,and I can't stop--even though I'm self-employed and my work has gotten far behind, and I've not cleaned the house in weeks. I already know the worst, and yet I'm certain there's more that he's hiding from me. I feel like I need to know every detail so that I can digest it and get it over with.
In addition, I've felt bad about myself as a woman since I discovered his fascination with young, slim, big busted women. I've never had huge breasts, and I'm overweight and middle-aged. I've been practically starving myself from a desire to lose weight so that I can look like the porn girls. I've lost about 20 pounds this past month. I feel totally inadequate as a woman even though I know the women he was looking at are all fake and airbrushed.
I've purchased a lot of lingerie and sexy clothes in hopes of making him want me over those women. And I know this is insane, but I can't stop trying to please him.
My moods seem to vary from overly sexual (and I've had a lot of sex with him since I discovered this as if I'm trying to compete with his fantasy ladies) to paranoid and angry and then back to hurt. We fight often--sometimes I say really mean things to him, because I want to hurt him for the hurt he has caused me.
When he's giving me attention and reassuring me, the pain lightens, but when he goes to work or does something without me, I become a basketcase all over again, thinking he's up to something.
I even think about suicide occasionally. And then the next minute I want to kick him out and divorce him, for lusting after other women and lying to me all this time. It kills me that I supported him most of the time that he was doing porn. When I was working hard, trying to make a future for us, he was cheating on me with these thousands of fantasy women.
The next minute, I'm afraid of losing what we had, and so I become the slut for him, putting on lingerie and all that jazz, trying to make sure he's sexually fulfilled so that he won't seek sex elsewhere.
It seems to be a circle of sex, suspicion, pain, and anger, and I just don't know how to deal with all of this. I keep telling myself that it will get better in time and I put off getting counseling in hopes that it will get better on its own. At the same time, I promise myself to get help if I don't snap out of this soon.
I realize that I'm very depressed. I feel like I'm on the verge of a complete breakdown. Maybe writing out my thoughts here will bring some sanity back to my life.
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